STRIKE! PES 2013 Shooting Hoops On 21st September

Oh good grief, not ANOTHER zombie game.

Which is your favourite foot-to-ball game? Mine is Semi-Professional Sunday Soccer V. What? Yours isn’t? YOU ARE STUPID AND WRONG! Let’s fight about this, while I chant some words to a popular 80s hit about how you are less masculine than I. Now let us consume liquid until we are ill or in prison.

It sickens me when people say RPS is out of touch. Also, PES 2013 has a release date. Is it in 2013? Don’t be silly. It’s the 21st of this very month.

Konami’s FIFA rival will appear a week ahead of EA’s franchise. In footballing terms you’d call that a mid-off shot on the nine iron. And it says it will be a “massive advance” for the little men kicking balls genre, with the introduction of something called PES Full Control. This will, they say, offer “fully manual control over every pass and shot”, which sounds enormously tricky. It’s as much as I can do to get the man to get near the ball and press A, let alone think about in which direction I’m kicking it. It will also feature Active AI (the inactive AI was famously disappointing) which will apparently make the players move and react more realistically. So presumably they’ll fall to the ground, rolling around and crying every time someone kicks a blade of grass too near to them, and then say they can’t possibly play another game because they’ve got an international match in three weeks and they need to rest.

This video is supposed to explain Full Control. It also features music that sounds a bit like when something gets stuck in my food processor:

There’s also a demo which has been out for aaaaages.


  1. RaveTurned says:

    Damnit Walker, I’m sick of you pushing this mansport-hating liberal pro-feminist agenda!

    LOL, kidding. Don’t ever change RPS. :) FORE!

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      Aerothorn says:

      Mansport? You mean there are no ladies in this game? WAY TO BE PROGRESSIVE VIDEO GAMES.

      In all seriousness, it strikes me as a little weird that all the sports games only simulate all-male sports, since whatever sexual differences are behind sex-segragating sports obviously don’t exist in a virtual world.

      • arccos says:

        That’s why I only buy sports games where the players are hermaphrodite robots.

      • MD says:

        That’s a good point actually, I’d never really thought about it. It does make sense for this sort of game to be men-only though, since it’s simulating real-world leagues, and the popular ones are all-male.

      • iucounu says:

        Do you know, I’d never considered this; but yes, why can’t you play in women’s leagues in any of these games? Surely it wouldn’t be hard to add.

  2. Brun says:

    inb4 foot-to-ball.

  3. Rumpel says:

    mine is Nintendo World Cup. lets dance walker!

  4. OMMad says:

    I still press X to pass the ball… and I juke and dribble using the shoulder buttons…

    Whew, glad I got that off my chest. Sorry, Konami. Full Moving Whatchamhoozits looks cool… for real… but I will never use it.

  5. Norskov says:

    I’ve played PES a lot earleir, but the last few years I’ve turned to FIFA instead. There’s just something about the movement in PES that feels to slow and rigid, FIFA just has a better flow.

    • scannerdarkly says:

      totally agree

      don’t know why PES spends time for this touch thing (awesome, ok), when a simple thing like a player running is SO rigid and unnatural…

  6. caddyB says:

    A game in which you hit the ball with your FEET? What will the crazy Japanese come up with next?

    • jikavak says:

      A game where you ARE THE BALL.

      • Kid_A says:

        Naaaa, nanana na na na naaa, Katamari Damacy…

        • jikavak says:

          …but in a football game

          • Kid_A says:

            Well now you’re just being silly.

          • jikavak says:

            You start during a football game and you don’t have control over you,until…well,you suddenly develop free will and start rolling around.Everyone in the stadium is chasing you because it was the Champ league finals and they had no replacement balls (somehow they all dissapeared,this turns out to be important for the plot later on).So,you decide to take on a quest to discover what had happened there and who turned you into the monstrous abomination you are.

  7. kwyjibo says:

    Is this coming onto Steam?

    It really should, they’ve got millions of Football Manager Excel-em-up fans on there, it would really sell well. Surprised that EA never bothered putting a FIFA on there, and they’re even less likely to now that we’re all gaming all the time on Origin.

  8. Reynoldio says:

    Come off it, John, that series peaked at Semi-Professional Sunday Soccer 3, and you know it. The new features are rubbish.

  9. milman says:

    I love ridiculing foot-to-ball games as much as everyone, but, there’s some serious evolution every year in pes and/or fifa. Clunky animations aside there’s a real desire to progress towards a real life simulation of how players interact with the ball. Everyone can see the floating on rails body movement but every year they progress a little closer to a true simulation of how foot interacts with ball.

    Both franchises do an excellent job of simulating the “beautiful” game, I don’t buy them every year as the game play remains largely the same, but each incarnation is interresting.

  10. Revolving Ocelot says:

    There’s nothing Sensible about Soccer now.

  11. tigershuffle says:

    Would also like to see Womens teams and even U21 teams…..give us something new?!

    although they are ‘striving’ to improve every year the gameplay and graphics…however miniscule, perhaps its time to give us some diversity with the teams.

    • jikavak says:

      It would take too much dev time and resources for something that doesn’t really matter.I mean,you’re there for the football.

    • bill says:

      Given that the Japanese women’s footie team is insanely popular right now (won world cup, silver medal in olympics, on tv every minute) I’m surprised they haven’t added them.
      I also always had the impression that women’s football was more popular than mens in the US.

      Actually, I’m surprised they haven’t made it a separate game. they’d sell enough units in japan alone to make it profitable.

  12. Munken says:

    Interestingly (or probably not) that music is probably best described as “Breaks”. Just like what happens to your food processor.

  13. Moni says:

    Hmm,. a game where you have to survive against a rampaging hoard of zombies using only your footballing technique and wits.

    I would totally click the thumbs up button on Steam Greenlight for that idea.

  14. orionstar says:

    Those are all very nice.

    I will never use any of them. I just need to know what the buttons for pass, sprint, shoot and tackle are. Then I get frustrated at the AI, switch the level down to easy and win everything with a subpar team and feel guilty.

    More on topic, PES seemed to have fallen behind FIFA for a while… perhaps this is their year?

  15. MD says:

    Haha, great opening. I chuckled when I got to “Konami’s FIFA rival will appear a week ahead of EA’s franchise. In footballing terms you’d call that a mid-off shot on the nine iron.”

    • MD says:

      Also, I’m secretly waiting gleefully for the ANGRY comments because you disrespected sport, and the earnest corrections of your various points of confusion.

  16. Oldelpaso says:

    Can we please have a spectator simulator where you have to rile up the stadium as much as you can via the strategic use of mexican waves and flares?

  17. Ian says:

    Oh Walker you crazy fool, players pretend to be injured to MISS international games, not play in them!

    Otherwise the article is spot on and completely accurate.

  18. Codor says:

    I was genuinely sad when the FM2013 article referred to football rather than foot-to-ball. This totally and utterly redeems that error.