David Icke’s Total War


“The world is so crazy that it is considered ‘controversial’ to call for an end to people killing each other, but not to make money from selling video games about Total War.” This is why former TV sports pundit and nemesis of the giant lizards that secretly control society, David Icke, is very cross that he’s not been allowed to use a piece of music from Total War in his stage shows. While the notorious Icke might have become a lecturer on all manner of conspiracy theory-based socio-political topics since his, uh, awakening, he’s unlikely to ever escape the lizard-shaped albatross that he hung around his own neck back in 1999. Or the thing about being the son of God. Or the thing about how we’re all being remote-controlled by the moon. Or the thing about how Bush, Blair, the Queen and chums are holograms.

Or… well, anyway, SEGA/CA own the rights to ‘anti-war song’ We Are All One by Angela & Jeff van Dyck (as used in Medieval: Total War II), which Icke had hoped to use in his upcoming talk/show at Wembley, ‘Remember Who You Are.’ They’ve since blocked this from happening.

Their reasoning, he claims, was because they don’t much fancy being associated with a controversial figure. In an angry statement on his website, written all in bold, he seems convinced that ‘controversial’ refers only to his planned anti-war arguments, rather than, y’know, the lizard stuff. Moreover, he’s disgusted that a company that makes games about Total War would a) make money from this activity and b) hold the rights to an anti-war song.

“And they say that I’m mad?”

It’s because they’re all lizards at the Creative Assembly, Dave. Historic West Sussex market town Horsham is famous for its reptilian population, after all. In fact, former RPS contributor Al Bickham now works at CA, and I can tell you for a fact that he has a forked tongue and sheds his skin every Summer Solstice.

Here’s the song in question, in the form of an unofficial fan-made video.

Icke comments upon the unfairness of this song being freely-available on YouTube, but seems unaware that something being on YouTube very rarely means permission was granted by the license-holder. He calls for his fans to pester a bunch of poor folk at SEGA and CA about this, publicly providing their email addresses to this end. He, if you will, declares total war on them. HOW IRONIC.

And here’s Icke’s full statement. He’d like you to spread it far and wide.

Thanks, Kieran W.


  1. Anarki says:

    Oh come on. David Icke? Why don’t you get a second opinion from another mad raving lunatic in the street?

    • frightlever says:

      And yet I find my own views are more in tune with David Icke than with the typical creationist.

      Icke was at the forefront of the movement to uncover the machinations of the 1%. Granted his 1% are the descendants of alien space lizards, but in theory he was ahead of the curve.

      I like him. He’s mostly harmless.

      • Ultra Superior says:

        He’s just another puppet of his lizard masters. He only wanted the song because of the

        “Why can’t we see the truth/
        we are all one (percent)”

        Can’t you see the anti 1% agenda for what it really is ? Man, OPEN YOUR THIRD CHOCO-EYE !

      • Tim Ward says:

        Unless you’re part of the Occupy movement, in which case you probably don’t want your ideas to be associated with some nutter’s theories about space lizards and inter-dimensional conspiracies or whatever the fuck it is Icke actually believes.

        • Ultra Superior says:

          Poor Occupy – little do they know that pushing their goals is precisely what the 1% want.

      • iucounu says:

        David Icke believes the Protocols of the Elders of Zion are authentic, but says that he’s not an antisemite because ‘Jew’ is a code-word for ‘space lizard’. He certainly does seem to have pals who are, shall we say, aggressively Gentile.

        • nidhoggstrike says:

          To be fair to Icke, he means that most jews are human, he just believes that the extra-dimensional aliens knew to exploit the close-knittedness of the jewish community and…hang on, that’s no better. No better at all…

        • Hypocee says:

          It took me a long time to get past a weird mental blind spot where I couldn’t separate David Icke from David Irving – the primary English-language Holocaust denier. So yeah, backsliding a bit I guess.

      • AngelAtTheTomb says:

        I can definitely say that’s he NOT mostly harmless. All of my father’s friends (and my father, to a lesser degree) are all enamored with this guy and spout his drivel any chance they get. Of course, since I argue with them about the world being secretly run by lizards from space who inhabit a massive underground fortress in northern New Mexico and are putting mind control agents into jet fuel, I’m immediately called a far-right Republican and a supporter of George W. Bush. Which I’m not, at all. I just don’t think he’s a lizard, or from space.

        At the very least he’s harmful to my sense of not being really fucking annoyed.

    • Godwhacker says:

      Have you read any of his books, or are you just calling him a lunatic because that’s what you’ve heard other people call him?

      • President Weasel says:

        Let’s be fair here: he’s a loon.

        Or conceivably a covert CIA plant, part of a disinformation spam program aimed at discrediting the few conspiracy theorists who do have half of a handle on what’s going on by lumping them in with people who believe the Queen and Kris Kristofferson are shapeshifting lizard people.

        But it’s far more likely he’s a former sports presenter who had a breakdown and is now a bloody loony.

        • Godwhacker says:

          It’s still a point worth making. I leafed through a copy of something he’d written in Waterstones a few years back, and it looked to be something a TV psychic would write. Want to believe that rich people are aliens? Well, here’s the book for you- that’ll be £20 please.

          So it may well be bollocks, but you shouldn’t just regurgitate other people’s opinions on the matter. I’m willing to bet you’re getting that he’s called Kris Kristofferson a lizard from the Wikipedia article.

          • Ergates_Antius says:

            Back in 1991 I watched the original Wogan* interview he gave shortly after coming out as the Godhead. At that point, I formed my own opinion of him being a lunatic.

            It hasn’t changed in the mean time. But to be fair, I can’t remember the last time I heard his name mentioned or gave him any thought.

            * Yes, I used to watch Wogan – there wasn’t much on TV in those days.

          • P7uen says:

            If he’d written it in Waterstones he can’t have been focusing that much on it anyway.

          • Universal Quitter says:

            Well, I HAVE read his book and he’s completely fucking insane.

            Google YOUTUBE, if you want to know more…

          • SkittleDiddler says:

            It doesn’t take a deep reading of Icke’s work to realize he’s either insane, a political plant, or a con artist.

            And yes, I’ve read several of his books. The guy can’t be taken seriously on any topic.

      • x1501 says:

        [In one of his books] he writes that the Earth and the collective human mind are manipulated from the Moon, a spacecraft and inter-dimensional, inter-density portal controlled by the reptilians. The Moon Matrix is a broadcast from that spacecraft to the “human body-computer,” specifically to the left hemisphere of the brain, which gives us our sense of reality. He writes: “We are living in a dreamworld within a dreamworld—a Matrix within the virtual-reality universe—and it is being broadcast from the Moon.”

        Seems like calling him a lunatic is about as apt as it can get.

    • Screamer says:

      No hang on, if RPS never posted this I would never have known there are people this bat shit crazy! :D.To think there is someone out there, and actual person, that truly believes this is astounding.

      Thanks RPS!

      • iucounu says:

        Here is a lovely old Jon Ronson late night chat show, in which Ronson, so laid-back he is literally closer to the horizontal than the vertical, teases utterly bonkers conspiracy theories out of amiable paranoids: link to youtube.com

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      phuzz says:

      Because none of the other raving lunatics down my street used to play for Hereford United, that’s why.

  2. magnus says:

    Does the text have to be in bold, it’s giving me a headache.

    • Llewyn says:

      You think it’s the text but actually it’s the receptor in your brain implanted by our lunar overlords which is trying to prevent you from reading our Saviour’s truth.

  3. qrter says:

    Don’t feed the lizard troll.

  4. Hoaxfish says:

    I thought he thought the queen was a lizard too

  5. sirdavies says:

    Not that it doesn’t say true stuff, but the song kinda sucks IMHO. Something like Bob Dylan’s “With God on our side” would be less painfully boring to hear. Also, I don’t see why is this relevant in any way.

    • jonfitt says:

      It’s no ‘Still Alive’. I can’t say I recall hearing it in MTW2.

      • Ateius says:

        The instrumentals are defintely one of the tracks that plays in MTW2. The actual lyrics are one of those “game soundtrack” deals where they shoehorn them in after the fact. End result is they don’t quite fit as the music was not written with lyrics in mind.

    • mr.black says:

      I remember it vividly from pre-battle loading scene and it made me wanna play TW:M2 again. Though it was used in completely opposite context, without text and it psyched me always for awesome fight..
      So much better without text.

  6. rustybroomhandle says:

    Queen, hologram? Bullshit! Freddy Mercury lives!

  7. Riaktion says:

    I remember the music from TW:M2 … clearly they didn’t put the lyrics in though right? I didn’t know it was an actual song.

    • Arclight says:

      It plays with the credits.

    • Gap Gen says:

      Yeah, I don’t remember the lyrics at all. Ironic given the usage in a game called Total War, I guess.

  8. spectone says:

    It’s lizards all the way down people. All the way down.

  9. Loyal_Viggo says:

    Who the fcuk… is David Icke?

    A no-mark merchant banker by the sounds of it.

    • Bhazor says:

      Heres a pretty good documentary about him and how he went from fairly normal (but wrong) global warming denier to completely whacked out lizard fearer.
      link to youtube.com

      Warning: Jon Ronson has one of the most monotonous voices in the world.

      • ffordesoon says:

        Poor bastard. Icke, I mean. He’s completely bonkers, but harmlessly so, and he comes off in that piece as, at the least, a likable enough fellow. A likable fellow who thinks the world is run by blood-drinking lizard people and teaches his kids that, but likable nonetheless.

        Steve Coogan could have some fun playing a guy like Icke.

  10. buzzmong says:

    Can’t see why he’s bothered really, it’s a rubbish song.

    • Richie Shoemaker says:

      Agreed, it’s horrible, mawkish end-credit bollocks. A track from one of the Ur-Quan Masters remix packs would be much better, (and free) and features space lizards by association.

      • Dys Does Dakka says:


        My, what a splendid little word.

        Mawkish… Mmm…

        -And yeah, it describes that We Are One thing well enough indeed. Dreadful toe-curler of a song.

    • Skipperoo says:

      Yup. Dreadful.

  11. Lemming says:

    Memo to David: If you are doing gigs at fucking Wembley, you can afford to pay for music rights you cheap twat.

    • Llewyn says:

      The painfully bold statement on his website claims that he’d agreed financial terms with SEGA who subsequently withdrew because they decided Icke was a little controversial.

      • TCM says:

        I’d buy it. I mean, if I had anything David Icke wanted to use, and I looked up his name, I wouldn’t allow it.

  12. Deepo says:

    Are they singing “Dumbed down” at the start of the song? Very prophetic!

  13. LennyLeonardo says:

    Does anyone else idly wish for David Icke’s nonsense theories to be true?

    I would so love to live in a world ruled by lizard men.

  14. Reapy says:

    Yeah, copyright law sucks sometimes, but it is what it is. The same reason I make frag videos and youtube flags them all up for the background music I picked for it. I try to claim fair use on them, maybe he could do so here, but I don’t think you can sample someone else’s work at will esp when the main delivery is a song.

    I mean, I’m sort all in on CA’s side here, of course they don’t want their history themed entertainment game lumped in with modern day politics, whether the message is good or not.

    • zeekthegeek says:

      Fair Use does not work that way. It is a specific defense for educational or critical commentary. You are not making some sort of comment that requires the specific music to be there. Neither is Icke – it’s just background. You can get a ton of free music for use on the internet these days – Kevin Macleod’s Incompetech collection is pretty good!

  15. Cinnamon says:

    If he was really the messiah he would have known to use Melee Cafe instead.

  16. Radiant says:

    Warren Ellis on twitter:
    “Somewhere, poor David Icke is studying images of Prince Harry’s ballsack in Photoshop for signs of lizard scales. “

    • LionsPhil says:

      But lizards don’t even have ballsacks.

      The prince’s must be prosthetic.

      • Radiant says:

        Conspiracy disproved!
        How many people would have to be involved in the creation of a prosthetic nut sack? Dozens of companies.

        It’s not like you can just use a paper bag with a couple of walnuts.

        Or something… I haven’t tried… Really I haven’t.

  17. Radiant says:

    Also he used to use the lizard reference as a metaphor for jews before he later echo chambered himself into believing that actual lizards really do rule the world.

  18. Moni says:

    I think Bearded Dragons are my favourite lizard.

  19. Spacewalk says:

    Fuckin’ space lizards coming down here an’ stealing jobs from our Earth lizards… this is why we need off-planet processing.

  20. Yosharian says:

    *reads wiki article*

    Jesus… this guy is fucking insane.

  21. Haplo says:

    Not even David Icke knows how far the conspiracy goes. Doesn’t he realise that the lizard overlords are also denying 4-corner days?! They’re keeping 4-simultaneous 24 hour days from the world!

    They’re educating us stupid!

  22. Bhazor says:

    “Mind controlled by the moon”

    TIS A LIE!

  23. lowprices says:

    When I saw the title of this post I thought it was going to be a Total War mod in which conspiracy theorists fight armies of lizards ad their puppets. Sadface that it isn’t.

  24. Chaz says:

    He should use the C&C Red Alert – Hell March instead.

  25. Dys Does Dakka says:

    When I think about it, the Total War games are just about as anti-war as can be beneath the megalomanic-power-fantasy surface, and it’s not just conveyed through its often cynically humourous descriptions.
    Wars are declared and waged for completely arbitrary reasons, untold thousands thrown into pitiless slaughter for the ambitions of a few deranged individuals, infrastructural and social improvements only ever happen with a view to putting more troops at the frontlines, civilian revolts against brutal taxation, repression or occupation are ruthlessly stamped out with military force, cities looted so the stolen wealth can be put towards yet more troops, routed foes mercilessly cut down because it’s ‘bad strategy’ to leave an enemy alive that might fight another day…

    And in the game.

  26. Inigo says:

    I miss Francis E. Dec.

  27. Eddy9000 says:

    I never managed to finish medieval. Really? This is the end credits song? Glad I didn’t now.

  28. Ultra-Humanite says:

    Jeff van Dyck works directly for Creative Assembly as their sound designer and would’ve designed the song specifically for the game. There is no reality in any universe in which this fuckwit will get anywhere with a lawsuit.

  29. The Dark One says:

    I thought David Eick was an executive producer for the Battlestar remake, not the V remake!