The British Are Coming! World Of Tanks Stiffens Upper Lip

Tanks: like, the scariest thing there is.

I was thinking, seeing that World Of Tanks has unveiled its 8.1 update with accompanying video, that this isn’t a Halloweeny thing. What are they doing releasing it today? And then it occurred to me: tanks are actually scary. Ghosts and monsters may be the more traditional source of chills, but their overall efficacy at being frightening is somewhat limited by their not existing. Tanks exist. They blow people up. They could blow you up. Thanks are fucking terrifying. Everyone: dress up as a tank tonight.

The latest update to the extraordinarily popular MMO primarily includes something I’m horrified wasn’t there before: British tanks. Distinguishable by their hefty handlebar moustaches, and running on milky tea, British tanks’ only weakness is the need to apologise both before and after firing. Quite how accurately they’ll be depicted by the game is unclear, but I’m having trouble spotting those nose-wigs.

The Royal Tank Corps brings with it 22 of her majesty’s finest angry hulks, including the Crusader, Centurion Mk III, and Conqueror. Along with those come three new premium tanks, the Soviet tank destroyer SU-122-44 (as my first daughter will be called), the Panther M-10, and the Pz IV Schmalturm. Also promised is improved rendering of the maps, and improvements to both tank and camouflage graphics. And there are a few new battle modes, we’re told.


  1. Phantoon says:

    I’m pretty sure tanks can’t sneak up on people, though.

    • Koozer says:

      On the other hand, they don’t really need to sneak up on you when you cannot escape their crushing treads of noisy death.

    • pupsikaso says:

      But you can sneak up on other tanks!
      And when everyone’s a tank there is no issue, really…

    • 4th Dimension says:

      T-50 tank need not sneak, since it will likely catch you even if you take a vehicle. That thing can DRIFT in corners.

  2. Eddy9000 says:

    Scene – a regular day at John Walkers house.

    John Walker: ‘hello darling, while I was out I noticed that the bakery was selling those cinnamon swirls you like so much, so I picked one up for you’

    Mrs. Walker: ‘Thanks!’

    John Walker: ‘Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!’ (Runs out the house terror stricken and hides in the shed)

    • Low Life says:

      Oh, you silly thing.

      • Eddy9000 says:

        Oh come on, just pointing out a typo would be boring!

      • Lev Astov says:

        Come to think of it, World of Thanks would be a pretty incredible thing.

        • Low Life says:

          Indeed it does – I’ll add this to my list of silly games I’ll probably never have time to actually develop in any way.

          How about a game jam with misheard/mistyped games?

          • dE says:

            Iron Brickhate
            Porks Must Fly
            Miro’s Hedge
            Hulu shaves the world
            Romance and Conquer 3: Kayne’s Bath

            Yeah, I can actually see that happen.

        • westyfield says:

          World of T.Hanks.

  3. pupsikaso says:

    Wow, is this pre-rendered in a non-production build with post processing effects added (like most in-game trailers)? Cause this looks NOTHING like the game that I played when it first released…

    • liquidsoap89 says:

      Seems legit…

    • Koozer says:

      They’ve added a splash of motion blur, maybe some more AA, but it’s pretty accurate.

      Also, I love how the battles in these update trailers are nothing like the actual game. It’s like Unreal Tournament versus Red Orchestra.

      • pupsikaso says:

        Well, TBH back in beta most battles actually were as dumb as shown here. Everyone just rushed right across the field, firing while moving, rammed others, then blew up and waited while the remaining artillery played hide and seek with each other.

        • yurusei says:

          I have no idea what you’re talking about, I STILL play like that. It’s the only way to play a battle of tanks. Hiding behind a cliff taking pot-shots? What are you, a lady tank?


    • Gurrah says:

      That’s what it actually looks like. The correct term is fucking gorgeous. But seriously, it does look like that since the last update entitled 8.0 – they updated their render engine and revamping all of the old maps, with 8.1 out I’d say about half of the maps have been overhauled and look really stunning, coupled with the physics engine the game really feels nothing like it did in open beta or after launch.

      • pupsikaso says:

        Ah, well that would explain it. Maybe I should give it another go… hope they fixed armour penetration and magic bullets…

      • Adekan says:

        It’s a bit of a shame that they managed to ruin most of the sound tactical positions (The only places Artillery can’t one shot you 30 seconds into the match) in the revamped maps. But yay pretty maps, I suppose?

        • pupsikaso says:

          Did they ever re-work the way artillery works? I thought it was very odd in game of careful aiming taking gravity, trajectory, and movement into account when firing from a tank that shooting with artillery is just clicking on a point on the map…

          • Adekan says:

            Nope. It’s still the same. Worse than that, people have had time to grind out the final tier Artillery ( Tier 8 ) and pretty much every tier 9-10 match has between 6 and 10 artillery per side. It’s the #1 reason I don’t play any tier above 8, despite having nearly every tank unlocked.

          • 4th Dimension says:

            I don’t know how long are you not playing but they did significally nerf the arty. Also, while Artillery is powerfull, the more powerfull their shells are the slower do they fire. I think that lvl 6 USSR SPG has a rate of fire of 1 (ONE) shell per MINUTE!

            So while that one shell is likely going to ruin your day, he isn’t likely going to target you again.

            OH, and let’s mention that they can barely traverse their gun for couple of degrees. So if you move perpedicually to them, they have to anticipate your movement tens of seconds in advance, so they have time to set up, and wait for the targeting reticule to shrink.

          • Adekan says:

            I have around 400 games in that very tier 6 Russian Artillery, the S-51 (or Unicorn as it is widely known within WoT). I have one hit KO’d numerous tier 10 heavy tanks with it, and legions of tier 9 heavy tanks.

            Whatever nerfs may have come to Artillery, are made null and void by the presence of between 6 and 10 of them per team in the great majority of max tier public games.

          • lurkalisk says:

            Bad luck? Or maybe I just have good luck… Either way, I very rarely encounter more than 2 or 3 spigs in any given match (1-10).

  4. Fazer says:

    “Everyone: dress up as a tank tonight.”
    Like this?
    link to

  5. beatbox32 says:

    “Thanks are fucking terrifying”

    I concur… and ‘Your Welcomes’? Nightmare fuel for years.

  6. LionsPhil says:

    What, no Challenger 2? If it can’t make tea, it’s just not British enough.

    • MacBeth says:

      Not sure whether you were referring to this or not, but it’s oddly accurate…

      From Wikipedia: “Similar to every British tank since the Centurion, and most other British AFVs, Challenger 2 contains a boiling vessel (BV) also known as a kettle or bivvie for water which can be used to brew tea, produce other hot beverages and heat boil-in-the-bag meals contained in ration packs. This BV requirement is general for armoured vehicles of the British Armed Forces, and is unique to the armed forces of the UK.”

      So yes… British tanks must be able to make tea…

  7. Greggh says:

    Ohhh, so THAT’S what stiff upper lip means…

    Themoreyouknow, eh?

  8. herschel says:

    Can I buy a hat for my tank?

  9. tigershuffle says:

    hallelujah…….gave up on waiting for British tanks and so threw my teddy outta my pram almost a year ago, along with a lot of other early beta players/modders/skinners

    *enter obligatory p2w rant*

    might go back to it seeing as ive got 1500 gold sat gathering dust along with my garage of 9 tanks.

    *re waxes moustache for Movember and climbs in to Cromwell*

    • Adekan says:

      Though the game is far from flawless, Pay To Win is not one of its issues. All of the Gold tanks are considerably worse than fully upgraded equal tier counterparts. And in the new patch, Gold ammunition will be purchasable with in game currency.

      It’s actually one of the very, very few “Free To Play” games that is in fact, free to play without restrictions.

  10. Lanfranc says:

    I do like how a bunch of tanks driving around and blowing each other to smithereens is ESRB-rated as “Mild Violence”. But there you go.

  11. Leonard H. Martin says:

    Tanks aren’t scary. Carly Rae Jepsen is scary – and her followers.


  12. Iskariot says:

    In general the British tanks had an awful reputation during the second war. Even amongst the Brits.

    • Vander says:

      True, but they did make some good modifications to other tanks, the Sherman Firefly in particular.

  13. Scissors says:

    Silly game. (wot I think)

  14. genosse says:

    WOT and I we had our ups and downs since start of closed beta, but despite its flaws I am amazed that this game could keep me well entertained for over two years now. The level of polish, the stream of constant updates and the payment model is something every team based mmo-like shooter has to measure up to in my opionion (looking at you MWO).

    If you take an interest in tanks and don’t expect a simulation or a fast paced game like BF3, give this one a try. (wot i think)

  15. pretty fiendish says:

    Ooh, I’ve come over all jingoistic! I think I need a cup of tea and a sit down.