Cara Vs. Crysis 3 Was Never A Fair Fight

We sent Cara Ellison to EA to play some Crysis 3. We would like to formally apologise to Crytek and EA for having sent Cara Ellison to play some Crysis 3. Here is why:

Crysis games have always been beautiful. The Crysis series is a handsome, well-buffed man with grace and presence, one you’d never say no to being photographed with, one you’d proudly say you’d dated. You probably keep all the photos of him in a drawer, ready to pull out when your friends come over so that you can say that you hit that once and wow he was amazing. But the secret is that whenever he opened his mouth he told jokes so embarrassingly unfunny and garbled it was never worth taking him to meet anyone, and your utter confusion at what he meant by anything was the final nail in the relationship coffin. Though sometimes you gaze at his face from afar and remember that time you went to space because of reasons.

From what I played, and it wasn’t for very long (less than an hour, I’d say), Crysis 3 is voluptuous as hell in the looks department. The feeling of richness and closeness and dare I say it – verisimilitude – in the environment remains unrivalled. The New York of 2047, 20 years after the events of Crysis 2, is in a big mad bio-dome, and you are dropped into a jungle-covered Chinatown at one point to have a sit down dinner with your girl and attempt to make her laugh at your interpretations of the fortunes from fortune cookies.

I’m joking – you’re there to murder stuff.

At some point after asking Michael Read, the producer of Crysis 3, about the plot, I realised I’d stopped listening. Luckily I had a recording of the explanation. It came out something like this:

“We’ve taken on a whole new form when it comes to storytelling with this one. One of the new things that actually ties into it is a new piece of technology called performance capture. We actually released a video online of Psycho. We have a new writer – we had Richard Morgan for Crysis 2, now it’s a British writer by the name of Stephen Hall who has done some sci-fi writing, he’s been working with us on Crysis 3. We have Prophet – the leader of the squad in Crysis 1, had a small cameo role in the beginning and the end of Crysis 2, and now you’re playing him in Crysis 3. So you also have another character called Claire Fontinelli, she’s one of the leaders of this rebel group that’s operating inside the dome fighting Cell and Psycho fights alongside her in this quest to basically shut CELL down. Prophet’s goal ties into this as he’s having visions of the future and things that are potentially going to happen -”

My brain somehow thinks that he has said “Prophet’s goat” which I immediately perk up at: I imagine this goat having visions and attempting to draw them in Crayola with its tiny goat hooves for this high-tech douchebag Prophet in ten kinds of body armour waiting arms crossed – “What, goat, what?”. Fifty infinitely customisable weapons lie behind Prophet, totally pointless as this is a scene about a goat and its dreams.

But sadly this is not about a goat. It is about this guy we seem to have little reason to give a shit about, because the game industry spits out dudes like Prophet every day and they land on my front lawn and make a mess. I shouldn’t have begun asking about the story, because I really quite liked the shooty-killy parts.

“He’s trying to explain to the rebels that there’s more to what’s going on than just, you know, CELL fighting for these energy resources and what they’re doing under the Dome to do this.”

God I wish there was less to what’s going on. I really do. I’ve become horrifyingly more aware in the time it took me to play the Crysis 3 single player demo that videogames seem to borrow meandering, convoluted features and terms from genre fiction in order to have more weird missions to go on, and more outlandish stuff to do, without ever actually giving you a reason to do them. There is a complete lack of narrative focus. I don’t care that the planet is melting down right now, because you told me that last time and it was just a set of deus ex machina and some nice looking trinkets.

Look at that game affectionately known as Portal plants you into an easy to understand situation that immediately compels you to explore – and to escape. It then proceeds to tell you a more detailed story gradually through every facet of its environment – level design, audio, decals on the walls, even the glimpses of Chell’s body via a portal. Because the information comes in small doses, you have time to let it dissolve slowly in your mouth like a really piquant cola cube. Sometimes at night I would dream of those brand new sugary doses of story scrawled on the wall of a test chamber. But it seems like Crysis 3 will just jack open your mouth and hose down your gullet with thousands upon thousands of Jelly Babies until you’re sick on your mum’s brand new cream carpet. We’ve got to the third installment of this and it is still having us bowf up disembodied jelly heads.

“There’s a lot of character interactions that happen in this game, more so than previous games.” I hope this means that there will be a god damn you Psycho! line somewhere in the game. “I’ve been asked to sum up this Crysis in the past and the word I’d use to describe it is human.” That’s interesting – perhaps this will be the departure from Crysis 2 to story. But from what I’ve seen, it still has a little way to go. Gruff cockney men called Psycho seem suspiciously familiar to me.

Prophet has a nicely pressed Nanosuit and apparently thinks a lot of himself what with the name and everything. The suit makes you godlike, as in the previous instalments, and it seemed from the demo that far from being about story or characters, this game is primarily about the relationship between your Nanosuit and Prophet’s extremely limber Predator Bow. Throughout the demo I got a lot of purchase and satisfaction from that bow – cloaking and arrowing people in the face was my signature move. The bow was a pleasure to use – pulling an arrow back was such a viscous tease, and the arc of the arrow would appear before you release your finger, sending the arrow THUNK into an eyeball. The one thing I couldn’t figure out though, was exactly why I could click at any time to mod any number of stats on my bow. I haven’t got time, I thought. I don’t want to spend all day fiddling with the string on this thing when I am getting shot at. “You’ve got under-barrel attachments you’ve got scope attachments, different clips, you’ve got different types of ammo – the bow itself you can change the draw range, you can have a different tip type…” Mike elaborates. You can insta-mod pretty much any weapon in the game, which I think is a nice touch if you’ve got the time to sit around like Psycho who kept telling me to do stuff in the demo instead of doing it himself. Lazy sod.

Your suit has also been upgraded so that you can toggle to see where enemies are situated and how best to take them out – a sort of threat detector system, which I did like – although I have a bit of a weird aversion to being told what to do by a HUD, so I only used it a minimal amount. I’m stubborn like that. And the suit can hack towers, which is new. But there’s a combination chart for that too, you can pick and choose the highlights of your suit just like you can with the weapons. It’s about customising the way you approach things.

The only thing that’s really new here is a slight tweak to clothes and some new accessories and how it looks shinier. It’s a hollow shell of glamour, where you boot it up to render a ridiculous sandbox kill arena full of brocessories. Bro bling. This game is crawling with brotrinkets and brotrinketmongers. Nothing to do but kill bros all day, in a very stylish way, and at the end of it you go to bed having learned absolutely nothing at all about anything, but it was very nice to look at and kill bros. If Arnie had a wet dream about some armour and a bow this’d be it. It’s just bro central.

So little did I have to ask about Crysis 3 after playing the demo that I got rather antsy. Craig Pearson was floating about being point man for PC Gamer that day, and had just finished interviewing Michael, the producer I’ve already quoted above. But the poor guy didn’t know what was about to happen to him. Craig tapped me on the shoulder as he left the interview room, in the manner of what I now understand was a signal that we were in a good-cop bad-cop scenario, and tipped me to ask him why he is into PC BDSM, as he didn’t have the time. Oh yeah? I think. I will.

So I went a little off track down a path that is quite shady and is probably populated with headcrabs.

“Why do you hate PCs so much,” I ask, darkly.

“I don’t hate PCs!” he says, and bless him, I really like him, but he has no idea who has the wheel now.

“You hate them so much because you make them work really hard,” I say.

“That’s the ‘cry’ part in Crytek, right,” he smiles, slightly uneasily. I mentally give him points for the pun.

“I was going to say, I don’t know if you know that you have misspelt ‘crisis’ again,” I say, with a straight face.

“Uuuuuh yeah,” he says, “Just a little bit. But that ties in with ‘Crytek’ you know.”

“Yeah?” I say. I look expectantly at him.

He carries on. “So…. with PC gaming itself, when Crysis 1 came out we were known for this game that melted PCs, and it wouldn’t run, and… you know, but underneath all that, underneath the graphical abilities of what this game pushed I mean there was still a fantastic game in behind it. For Crysis 2 it was a whole new learning process – it had a new engine that we were iterating on for the Cry Engine 3, and in addition to that we were also developing for consoles, something we had never done before. So now we learned from those experiences, through Far Cry, Crysis 1 and Crysis 2, and really compiled all that together, and go okay how can we make this development process go smoothly but still push it out. So you start off looking at it and going, well developing for consoles is the baseline, and when you build up to a certain point you can separate the two out and really focus like – how hard can we push PCs. And we wanted to make that future-proof as well, not only for the game, but also for the engine and our licensees and all of these things that tie in together on that front.”

“So… you want to push PCs as far as they can go,” I say.

“Well you know, our CEO came out and said ‘Crysis 3 will melt your PC’ and it does push it very, very hard. We are pushing really on the boundaries of the consoles as well and what the capabilities were and what we were able to do for PS3. The amount of detail that our art guys – we have one guy who is really dedicated to lighting and any time he asks for something in the engine he typically gets it. Lighting has really become a big focus in a lot of the engines… trying to achieve that realism and pushing the graphical qualities. It also enables our designers to do more with the levels.”

“With all this customising and pushing the PC as far as you can go this really sounds a lot like PC BDSM,” I say. “Like you are fetishising technology.”

I think Mike was sort of flustered by this statement so he rambled about the engine sort of repeating himself for a little while in a bit of an adorable way. I wait until he peters out.

“Are you into BDSM?” I ask.


“But you have a… relationship with your PC at home?”

He sort of smiles, and hesitates. “…….I beat my PC up a lot.”

My eyes begin to glint. I HAVE DONE IT, I think, feeling victorious. Oh press junket sheen, I have messed you all up!

“You know, occasionally you have to throw your PC across the room,” he continues, with a sly grin, “and be like work and then it magically works again.”

“I bet your PC is very sexy because it has to deal with Crysis all the time,” I say.

“It’s about me dominating my own PC,” Mike says. He’s taken a flying leap into Cara territory now. I am eating him alive.

“How good is your PC at home?” I ask, rubbing my hands together.

“Uh… it’s okay. I think I’ve got a Core I7 with a 460 in it, and like 12 gigs of RAM.”

I nod. “How big is your screen?” (Oh come on it is the obvious question.)

“Uhhhhhhh 24 inch screen.” 24 whole inches. “Yeah.” He nods, because he knows he just said it in a context he never wanted to even dip his toes into. “I’m happy with it,” he says, slightly apologetically. I try to nod understandingly. “I’m just waiting to upgrade it to the next level.” Upgrade huh. “You know… even on the low and medium settings [Crysis 3] still looks fantastic.”

I ask him why I can’t play a girl hero in it. “There was actually a female Nanosuit designed,” he said. “That’s a big secret. Nobody’s seen it and I probably shouldn’t say it. …It actually looks really cool.”

“Does it have special boob padding?” I ask.

“Well of course.”

He got his own back. A few hours ago Crysis friendzoned me.


  1. Yosharian says:

    Cara you are as mad as a box of frogs

  2. dasrequiem says:

    This is probably the best preview I’ve ever read of a game. It made me register to this web site.
    This also made me realize what I disliked about Crysis 2, which I really enjoyed in the gameplay department but left me feeling hollow when I finished it. It sucks at storytelling.
    It looks like a game designed by a firearm engineer.

  3. Fish_Happens says:

    This was too funny, Love the awkward pun exchange and the mild anxiety Cara brought out in the unsuspecting game designer. cheeky stuff.

  4. Fish_Happens says:

    oh and. yes this made me register too.

  5. ffordesoon says:

    Well, clearly, this is the best article.

    We need more gonzo games journalism.

  6. Radiant says:

    To a game all stories in shoot’em ups are rubbish.
    It’s like watching a 14 hour movie; who knows what’s going on by the middle of it all.

    Really nice article. Please don’t run away like Quinns did.

  7. The Random One says:

    This joins Meer’s awkwartview with Levine as a preview that’s pretty awful as a preview and pretty great as something else that I don’t know what it is but it’s bloody brilliant.

  8. MerseyMal says:

    Great article!

    The writer of the story is Steven Hall (author of the excellent The Raw Shark Texts) . He’s been interviewed about it here. (Starburst Magazine)

    • Lambchops says:

      I wanted to love The Raw Shark Texts and I did at times (it was rather inventive stylistically and had some great moments) but I think it annoyed and intrigued me and left me confused in fairly equal measure.

  9. Josh W says:

    I just had an amazing conversation about this article.

    “There’s this article here where someone makes the joke in an interview about how the crisis people like punishing computers”


    “and then they just keep taking it too far and trying to claim that he has some fetish about broken computers, and he plays along to keep things nice”

    “This is rock paper shotgun? Why is rock paper shotgun being mean?”

    “It’s one of the new writers, she plays a lot of”

    “league of legends.”

    • Josh W says:

      To make this a little more explicit and less passive aggressive, I don’t like this article, but I love that me and my friends first assumption is to blame leage of legends for it, with almost no setup.

      Why I don’t like it is is fairly simple, which is that this article trades of the same dichotomy that poisons political reporting:

      The designer/politician wants to communicate something, and the journalist wants to subvert communication and show how funny they are. This means that the journalist looses and the designer wins if anything at all is actually communicated. If everything just descends into farce, the journalist wins.

      The result is constant weirdness and in-jokes surrounding something boring and simple that has had all of it’s life choked out of it. That poor developer has to hire PR guys to tell him how to spoil your fun and actually get a point across, and as with information theory, the best way to transmit through noise is to say things that are really obvious, and boring.

      There is an alternative, where you actually respond to the little bits of weirdness you found in the game, and just spring them at the developer. Like asking about those million bolt options or how you actually don’t care about the story he’s telling. This can be equally rude, but actually leads to some communication, and so the whole boring vs arsey thing never needs to happen.

      Also, league of legends may be the root of all evil..

  10. kael13 says:

    How can I favourite an article? Can I do this? Certainly going to get a few of my friends to read this one. Full-time employment for this lady!

  11. Laurentius says:

    Oh boy, good read, i like this kind of previews. Thing is, I don’t care about Crysis3 and i will never do. The only game that i cared last year, that is X-COM was unfortunatley previewd by self appointed Firaxis PR guy , Mr Meer. Anyway i want more lamabsting previews and WITs, seriously shit games like Aliens:Colonial Marins got trashed and equally shit games like Dead Space 3 get a pass. C’Mon , there are no good modern games, only good games can be found on GoG.

  12. kerbal says:

    I love RPS , this piece of text made my day…

  13. F3ck says:

    I understand that it is a silly notion to send the sardonic, non-FPS playing reporter to preview perhaps the least interesting FPS story line in gaming history (sorry Crysis fans, but your game is Ms. S. Carolina; gorgeous and stupid as cat shit) but do we really think the dick-jokes are funny?

    Not only is it easy and actually not really funny at all to anyone over 15 years of age, but it is an unfortunate period on an otherwise clever and interesting piece.

    I want more articles lampooning stupidity in games (especially when and where it’s celebrated) and I’d like to see more women writing them…I guess I just don’t need dick/boob jokes to punch them up.

  14. nindustrial says:

    Another excellent piece Ms. Ellison, keep it up!

  15. Snids says:

    Apparently, to defeat Claire Fontinelli later on in the game you’ve got to find her weak spot, which is a small, soft area on the crown of her skull.

  16. Deviija says:

    Oh. My. Gourd. I LOVE Cara! Her humor and writing style mesh into a beautiful symphony of hilarious. Please, make her journo all the things! Or, well, at least more.

  17. Navagon says:

    On one hand I want to see more Cara articles. On the other hand my responsible side says that Cara is a weapon not to be unleashed lightly.

  18. SuicideKing says:

    My god Cara, you’re dangerous! :D

  19. Raiyan 1.0 says:



    • SuicideKing says:

      Did you just make a FreeSpace 2 reference there?

      (Shivan Mara fighters?)



  20. kibble-n-bullets says:

    This is the best thing I’ve read in a while.

  21. gulag says:

    Ladies & gents, the next Quinns Gillan.

    More of this, more of the time.

  22. jrpatton says:

    That was hilarious!

    Not that I want you to be forced into making articles like this for the rest of your life, Cara, but that was thoroughly entertaining.

    Didn’t learn a damned thing about Crysis 3 though.

  23. Kamos says:

    What have I just read? I thought it was very funny up until the end. Apparently, it is only sexism if men do it.

    • F3ck says:

      Haven’t you been paying attention to the comments? It is only sexist if/when men do it because (if you follow the logic in these here comments) men – some men, somewhere – have behaved poorly and can therefore be punished.

      Anymore, I come to RPS for info on releases and to check out a handful of opinions (whom have not steered me wrong yet) but the conventional wisdom here is often batshit crazy.

    • Winterborn says:

      You’re an idiot. Spend some time reading about male privilege, you’ll still disagree because as I’ve already pointed out you’re an idiot but you can at least express your idiocy more eloquently like F3ck.

      • Kamos says:

        Thank you for the completely obnoxious and nonsensical reply.

        “Male privilege refers to the social theory that men have unearned advantages or rights granted to them solely on the basis of their sex, but usually denied to women. In societies with male privilege, men are afforded social, economic, and political benefits because they are male.”

        I still don’t understand what you’re getting at. Throwing innuendo and making other people uncomfortable is not a male privilege.

  24. Ruffian says:


  25. Skabooga says:

    This is the best. Just . . . the best.

  26. bhlaab says:

    Just like Crysis this started out really strong and and I loved it but then about 3/4 of the way through it got really stupid and I hated it.

  27. crinkles esq. says:

    Cara’s writing was very funny. Laughed lots; would laugh again. The last part made me feel rather icky.

  28. Bob says:

    A great read.

    It’s just as well the game doesn’t let you tell jokes about the messages in fortune cookies. I’d murder more of them than CELL operatives and aliens.

  29. Megakoresh says:

    That interview was so fucking hilarious!

  30. Lemming says:

    I’ve only played Crysis 1, but this stuck in my mind: “The New York of 2047, 20 years after the events of Crysis 2” and We have Prophet – the leader of the squad in Crysis 1, had a small cameo role in the beginning and the end of Crysis 2, and now you’re playing him in Crysis 3″

    Prophet the crusty squad leader from Crysis 1? You are playing a geriatric?

    • PopeRatzo says:

      Don’t be ageist.

      Just because he’s collecting a government pension doesn’t mean he can’t make sure the alien nanocreatures stay off his damn lawn.

    • SuperNashwanPower says:

      CRYSIS 2 SPOILERS: I mean it. I am going to spoil Crysis 2. If you, dear reader, haven’t played it, and don’t want it spoiled, STOP READING. Don’t read it then complain I made you read it, because that would be an untruth made up in your Irn Bru / Dr Pepper / Cherry Coke addled neocortex. People have done that before, because they are silly. OK. Here we go with the SPOILERS, which will SPOIL YOUR GAME:

      There’s actually something of an Exorcist subplot here. In the last game you were random dude #1, and got crammed into Prophet’s old crusty nano-keks. However, from all the combat your body is basically a corpse being held together by the suit, so the suit then basically figures it owes you one and takes your soul, replacing it with the consciousness of Prophet. Sorta weird really, though Crytek inexplicably left out any crucifix masturbation or pea soup type scenes, which would have been …. interesting. Possibly more interesting than the game that was Crysis 2 ….

  31. Man Raised by Puffins says:

    Mmmm, shades of GIBSON/REIN. Congratulations my good (woh?)man.


  32. Makariel says:

    funniest preview I read for ages, want MOAR!

  33. PopeRatzo says:

    I like Jelly Babies.

  34. yoshiku says:

    Awwwwh. The poor guy. Did you offer him an optical disk drive? He must surely have some discs on him.

  35. ScatheZombie says:

    Serious question, why do female journalists (and apparently their readers) think feigning product ignorance and openly flirting and/or awkwardly flirting does anything but reinforce negative stereotypes about women in games?

    I ask, sincerely, because I used to run press tours for a game studio (mostly as technical support, setting up the test machines and so forth) and several times the journalists would approach me and the other support staff trying to pump us for information. I would say about 3/4th of the female journalists would attempt to do much of the same sort of awkward flirtatious questioning in the article. The difference is that 99% of the time, that shit would never actually make it into print because the editor would realize how fucking awful it was.

    I mean, seriously. Why? A (respectable) male journalist would not do this. Ever. And if he would, especially to a female developer, he would be thrown out and never allowed back for another press tour. I’ve actually seen that exact scenario happen. Multiple times, in fact.

    Given the comments so far, I can only imagine the responses to this will be … less than polite, but, this is not something that should be applauded. This is not good journalism.

    • x1501 says:

      “I mean, seriously. Why? A (respectable) male journalist would not do this. Ever.”

      Oh yeah? And how do you think Bob Woodward found out about the Watergate Scandal? I’ve seen Deep Throat. I know how it all went down, and it wasn’t nearly as pretty.

      • ScatheZombie says:

        Huh? Bob Woodward made unwanted and awkward sexual advances towards Mark Felt?

        Or are you implying that a man giving another man the code name Deep Throat – which didn’t have the same generally understood sexual implications in 1970 that it does now – is somehow the same as openly asking your interviewee if they are into BDSM?

          • ScatheZombie says:

            LOL, I figured that was what you were referencing, I just wasn’t sure if you were joking or just stupid.

            To be fair, there is documentary about Watergate that is also called Deep Throat. And probably about 90% of the comments on this article are supporting/defending Cara.

            Still, my mistake.

  36. hernismall says:

    Im in love with Cara

  37. edwardh says:

    Somewhat funny to read (although I find that that quirky sort of humor gets old fairly quickly… which is why I e.g. also couldn’t stand Napoleon Dynamite) but one thing that bugged me was her asking about the boob padding. Obviously alluding to the horribly sexualized portrayals of females in games. Because of course Prophet is one fugly dude… and so are the majority of male videogame heroes…

    • Mrs Columbo says:

      Why she asked about boob padding? You’ve obviously never been hit on the tits.

  38. Viruli says:

    I don’t understand how this is funny. Half of the article is a well-written game preview, and then afterwards they just added in an obviously made up conversation that didn’t even make me laugh at the end. What was the point of the second half?

    • Winterborn says:

      It’s a fairly serious accusation you’re making, unless you have very good reason to suspect that Cara is putting false quotes in the above article I’d think twice about it.

  39. Groove says:

    More of this type of thing. Also, I miss Kieron.