Random Indie Picks From The Wisdom Of The Crowd

judicious cropping for the middle game there

It’s a slow news day, presuming at least that you’re leaving consumer rights-championing Sim City coverage to a colleague, so I did the only sensible thing and took an extra-long shower. Inevitably, I missed three phone calls – the only phone calls I’d received all week, of course – during that time. Then I made a cup of tea and ate a bag of Smokey Bacon crisps before finally taking to Twitter to tell people to tell me what to write about. The first three games mentioned would make it into a post: this was my solemn vow. That took about two seconds, but people continue to reply even though I’ve explicitly told them not to. Oh, Twitter. Anyway, my fate is sealed. Those first three games are…

CryWankFace is a game by Craig Lager and Joe Martin (at least, I’m guessing that’s the Joe in question), two people who hope to be taken seriously on the internet. They have made a quick-time-event game about crying and wanking, so they’re probably out of luck on that front. There is a face too, but it doesn’t do much. Other than cry, anyway. It’s basically like Guitar Hero meets that thing where you have to pat your head while rubbing your stomach, but with wanking. And crying. It’s not safe for work I guess, but you can’t see any detail on the guy’s winkie so it’s probably alright really. AMERICANS: wanking means paying a visit to Madame Palm and her five lovely sisters.

We wrote about puzzle-platformer (sort of) suteF a million years ago, and it got suggested to me again today presumably because someone thought sprites that look dead babies would be funny. I’m becoming a parent in two months, so it’s basically the worst game I could possibly play right now. So thanks for that. It really is excellent though, in an incredibly devious, twisted sort of way. Game rules change without warning, the most obvious path is usually the most fatal one and it borrows tricks from most every horror movie in the book to deploy at random for maximum discomfort.

John did a long, enthusiastic Wot He Thunk of Escape Goat, another puzzle-platformer, last year, so most of my work is already done for the third game I have to mention. Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaah. What I’ll do instead is cherry-pick words from his piece and put them together in a way which suggests he’s a complete freak. “I’ve never much enjoyed play, but I think masochism is crazy, lovely enjoyment.” Oh, that John Walker!


  1. wodin says:

    When I was a heroin addict m ex missus always used to moan it smelt of smokey bacon crisps..she never ate them again.

    • Snargelfargen says:

      tea? heroin? wanking???

      • Trillby says:

        Three of Scotland’s delicacies – come for the whisky, stay for the tea and heroin fueled wanking. They’re basically the three main ingredients for shortbread.

        • The Random One says:

          Jesus! If they need that to make shortbread, what is haggis made of?

  2. Revolving Ocelot says:

    Cry(obscene-word-of-choice)Face? With a title like that, they’re obviously heavily into RPS comments fads.

    Speaking of which, for everybody that dares make a -FACE post here, I’m going to eat a Mini Egg. A far worse vice than mere shots.

  3. zeroskill says:

    I played suteF a million years ago, and it was quite the thing for a free little game.

  4. MuscleHorse says:

    Write about the Lula games you wastrel.

    • maheusz says:

      There should be some sort of NSFW button here before I google this stuff…

  5. Caesar says:

    Three most depressing indies in a long time :(

  6. AndrewC says:

    Hey what? You’re having a baby? Is that a real truth? If so CONGRATULATIONS! and GOOD LUCK!

  7. jonfitt says:

    What did you do to Quinns?

    • frightlever says:

      There’s a reason he’s mentioned the CryWankFace game…

    • InternetBatman says:

      I was hoping the answer was “got rid of him for an abysmal and possibly malicious New Vegas review.” I guess that wasn’t it though.

      • Captain Joyless says:

        “possibly malicious”? Is there any basis for this other than “he disliked something I liked, so he must be actively trying to hurt someone”?

        And wasn’t there like 9 months between his New Vegas review and his departure?

        • Brun says:

          Take care of your words regarding the almighty Sacred Cows, for the Hivemind tolerates no blasphemers.

        • InternetBatman says:

          There’s a difference between not liking something and saying things like:

          It is the sound of Obsidian phoning this game in. I’m talking long distance, reversed charges, not-giving-a-fuck.

          • Keirley says:

            To be fair to Quinns, I was originally hugely disappointed in New Vegas. I managed to plug in about ten hours before giving up. It really did just feel like a lazy rehash of Fallout 3. It was only when I picked the game up nearly a year later that it really clicked with me. After that I fell in love, and I now think it’s something really special. But I can totally understand why someone would hate it as much as Quinns clearly did.

    • TheThinkTanker says:

      I always thought Quinns’ break from RPS was amicable, is there more to the story?

      • Premium User Badge

        Hodge says:

        Jim has regularly plugged Shut Up + Sit Down in the Sunday Papers, so I’d wager that any animosity is a recent development.

        It’s a shame if they really have fallen out :(.

      • Alec Meer says:

        no, it’s just me being silly but it came across badly. I am stupidhead.

  8. MrCraigL says:

    I am available for interviews.

  9. Grargh says:

    Oh, that John Walker!

  10. OmNomNom says:

    I’m almost as good at the game as I am at crying and wanking in real life!

  11. roguewombat says:

    You might also check out the tongue-in-cheek Doom & Destiny. Found it through the Indie Game Stand deal thingie and have been suitably impressed. Now with more PC!

  12. internisus says:

    I continue to feel upset over the fact that Escape Goat is yet to be Greenlit on Steam.

  13. scatterlogical says:

    Wow, I’m going to sue the creators of CryWankFace for unauthorized use of my life story.