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AC III: The Continuing Tyranny Of King Washington

NO MORE GAMES, WASHINGTON. CONNOR SMASH.

George Washington? More like Jerk Washingtonsofbutts. I’m sorry. I haven’t slept much lately, and any time that’s the case, my ability to cleverly insult implausibly mad re-envisionings of cherished historical figures is always the first thing to go. But I’m pressing on regardless, just like our tree-toothed, grumpyfaced bizarro pal Georgie Scourgie in Assassin’s Creed III: The Tyranny Of King Washington Episode II: Betrayal (And Counting!). So then, what nefarious deeds is he up to this time? Rescuing kittens from exceedingly high buildings for the sole purpose of frightening them back up again? Chopping down every cherry tree in the nation and lying about it just because he can? Nope. But he is making Benjamin Franklin all kinds of sad, which is just the most heartbreaking thing ever. See for yourself after the break.

So yes, this time you’re headed to Boston to rescue ol’ Ben and get him in your corner, but he’s trapped under King Washington’s apple-flavored anti-president power. Sounds like checkmate, huh? The day is saved, however, when you gain the power to transform into a ghost eagle. Or an eagle ghost. Gheagle? Eaghost? I’m not really sure how it works anymore, because Assassin’s Creed stopped making sense when the one guy got into the animal machine thing and became his ancestors. When was that? Oh, right: the start. But honestly, when a series can wind right past its “end” and into ghost eagle assassin territory, it can’t possibly be all bad, right?

Betrayal’s available for download now. Word on the street is that the first Tyranny of King Washington episode was decent-ish, and this one keeps the crazy train moving along uncharacteristically methodical tracks. Episode three, it seems, will bring the “love ’em or hate ’em” revelations Assassin’s Creed is famous/infamous for, but until then, prepare yourself for hot eagle-on-Washington action. Which is somehow the most/least patriotic idea ever suggested. Regardless, EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGLE.

I’m going to go take a nap now.

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Nathan Grayson

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