Remember when Deep Silver’s Dead Island Riptide “Zombie Bait Edition” torso statue came out and we were mostly all like, okay weird gross statue of a bikinied lady who has been brutally dismembered, but honestly, where is my dismembered bloody man crotch in Calvin Kleins? Oh that was only me then. (It is odd being a woman in this industry sometimes.) Well, I guess Deep Silver were slightly burnt by the expressions of disgust we all had. Now they are giving us the chance to vote for a whole host of weird Saints Row IV Collector’s Edition stuff.
Sending out tweets from their official account, a survey went up here. I have selected some trinkets to hereby remark upon:
“Voice augmentation device / auto-tune device”: I am sure this will never be misused by your younger brother or older criminal sister to undertake any funny business.
“Presidential Briefcase with kinky handcuff and key”. Presidents are known for their interest in fetish items, and they also capitalise the ‘b’ on briefcase in case the Kremlin is watching.
“Dubstep Doomsday Button”: I do not know what this is. Do you know what this is? Am I showing my Saint’s Row newbishness again? In my head it is just a button you press to initiate the doomsday because the world has reached dubstep critical mass.
“Functional (not deadly!) in-game weapon replica”: oh yeah. Because this isn’t going to make you look wildly irresponsible. Also, ‘weapon’ implies that it is a thing for inflicting pain so how can you guarantee it won’t be deadly? And even if it is a blow-up baseball bat I could probably still suffocate an unsuspecting granny with it. I can make anything deadly. That is why they call me Cara ‘Deadly’ Ellison. But if you are reading this in Aberdeen no one ever calls me that please don’t come round.
“Saint’s Bazooka themed Poster Tube”: Like, an actual poster tube? Just a poster tube? What am I going to do with a poster tube? I could put other posters in it maybe. I have this Frank Miller thing I got given that is in my room that never stays up on the wall, I presume because Frank Miller is in actuality a Nazi and all his products are imbued with inherent evil.
“Tie and Tie Bar, Money Clip”: These are things that the people who will buy this will never need, guys.
“Whitehouse “Security” download card”: You can download all of the Whitehouse’s securities onto a card?! WHAT DO DEEP SILVER KNOW THAT WE DON’T? Does the Pentagon know about this? GET ME THE RED PHONE.
My favourite thing is the last thing on the list, because they have put a question mark on the end:
“Ridiculously amazing glass display case with lights?” as if they actually have no idea what they mean either. Look, I got nothing. I’m Ron Burgundy?
You can take the survey here, but there is no box to write in satirical requests for disembodied man crotches so I won’t bother. Instead, why don’t you read Kieron and I’s breakdown of the Saints Row IV trailer? I hear it has dongs.