Ashes Cricket 2013 Trailer Changes Everything

Wake up, Mr Freeman. Wake up and smell the international cricket tournament

Are games art? Solved.
The formalist/zinester war of games definition? Solved.
Where is the Citizen Kane of games? Solved.
What happens when the uncanny valley is no longer uncanny? Solved.
When will the singularity occur? Solved.

Whoever would have thought that a teaser trailer for a game about England and Australia’s biennial cricket grudge match could so deftly resolve the many dilemmas which have for so long haunted videogames and technology?

That’s wildly understating the profundity of this achievement, mind you. Everything is different now.

Not only do I feel fully informed about exactly how Ashes Cricket 2013 looks and plays in the wake of this РI also have the answers to my every existential question. Take a seat, watch this, and prepare for your definition of reality to be forever altered.

My God, it’s full of stars.

Now, at long last, I know what it is I must do with my life. Thank you, Ashes Cricket 2013 Teaser Trailer. You’ve taught me so much – about games, about the world, about the universe, but most of all about myself.

Thank you.


  1. Tony M says:

    Now I have something to link to when I need to explain the rules of cricket.

    • P7uen says:

      And when someone asks for relationship advice.

    • Premium User Badge

      distantlurker says:

      No more need to put hours into flight simulator for that pilots license. It’s all here. All of it.

  2. Llewyn says:

    I start to understand why Mrs Llewyn enjoys watching the cricket so. I guess I’ve always got bored and wandered out of the room before the real action starts. Still, you’d think that kind of thing would make the highlights programmes at least.

  3. BooleanBob says:

    Turns out the Sniper Elite modding community is more creative than we give them credit for.

    • Steed says:

      Lol, that’s fantastic. Currently laughing out loud at work looking like a nutter… would be tricky to explain the humour to a colleague

  4. Tams80 says:

    But this trailer does not answer the most important question:

    Will there be cucumber sandwiches?

  5. Shadowcat says:

    I am 3 years old, and I was traumatised by this trailer. PEGI has failed me.

  6. Firkragg says:

    But can you talk to the batters?

  7. The Great General Bazza says:

    Didn’t you know why they were called the Ashes? Everything on the pitch has a ludicrous chance of spontaneously combusting. Even the players!

    • BTAxis says:

      If only.

    • solidsquid says:

      Everything is doused in petrol and thermite, the bats are actually made of steel and the ball made of flint. Any chink in the cover on the ball and the bat coming into contact ignites everything

  8. Fierce says:

    Sweet Mother of the Gods. Whomever the marketing company is that produced this trailer needs to be hired for the production of all game trailers from now on.

    30 seconds of some iconography lighting itself on fire before being destroyed by another icon could well become a marketing meme.

  9. Muzman says:

    Looks wicket!

    • Ian says:

      Tried to come up with some puns, but I’m stumped.

      • P7uen says:

        Just field any old pun with a cricket spin on it.

      • Llewyn says:

        Likewise. I was just bowled over by this trailer.

        • 88GJS88 says:

          They’ve slip(ped) up by not covers-ing this story on other websites…

          • corinoco says:

            I Googled it, bat I think I’ll let it run by. Funny thing is it made me want to watch The Return of the Jedi. About half-way through I got uncomfortable, so I shifted my leg before Wicket nicked Leia’s bike.

        • Ingall says:

          Me too. As soon as it is in the stores I’m going to run out and byes it.

      • Lacessit says:

        Stop this! It’s getting mid-on silly!

      • norfolk says:

        I’ve been dreaming of this game for a century.

    • iucounu says:

      Ha! I creased up.

    • zachforrest says:

      definitely a long barrier to boredom!

    • Hardlylikely says:

      You lot have me in stitches. It’s a good thing I don’t have the runs or I’d have to bail in a hurry.

      (Also googly stands as one of the greatest sporting terms ever.)

    • MiloticMaster says:

      I dont usually do pun threads, but I’ll play ball. This one seems good so I’ll take a swing at it.

  10. Zunt says:

    Well it’s hardly going to be 2013 cricket is it. Everyone knows laser eyes and hypersonic bowling were outlawed after the infamous Bodyline series.

  11. Revolving Ocelot says:

    Needs the STARING EYES tag, because that’s what I’m doing IRL right now.


  12. Gap Gen says:

    I don’t have my headphones in. Does the trailer have dubstep?

  13. Elos says:

    link to

    cricket is so confusing

  14. Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    I have beheld the future. And the future is apparently on fire.

    • Premium User Badge

      distantlurker says:

      It’s self-cleansing.

    • Vorphalack says:

      Nice future. Would be a shame if something were to ‘appen to it. The future ‘as a nasty ‘abbit of catchin’ fire……If you were to purchase some insurance, me and the lads could see to it that the future does not catch fire.

      • Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

        Open your creative writing notebooks, class. Today’s writing prompt is:

        “The invention of time travel threatened to make every insurance company in the world bankrupt not just overnight, but every single night in history. That was, until…”

        • Chris D says:

          Only if we assume the insurance companies wouldn’t have access to that technology.

          More likely would be that you’d also be disqualified from getting heath insurance on the grounds of post-existant conditions.

  15. Drake Sigar says:

    *Demolishes wooden stumps with a blazing ball of fire*

    Don’t do drugs.

  16. corinoco says:

    After all these years, when I thought nothing could change things: The dogs are finally breeding again.

  17. sonson says:

    It will be the greatest RTS of all time

  18. Surlywombat says:

    I think it’s a lot of old balls.

  19. LionsPhil says:

    It’s missing Soul Limbo.

    (Go on. Someone’s going to have a dubstep remix to link to.)

  20. realmenhuntinpacks says:

    I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… stumps on fire at the crease of Trent Bridge… I watched Ian Botham glitter in the bad light near Edgbaston… all those moments will be lost in time, like Geoff Boycott in the rain. Time to die.

    • iucounu says:


    • zachforrest says:


    • corinoco says:

      “You’re standing alone at the cease…”
      “Which one?”
      “Which crease?”
      “Does it matter?”
      “Well, how come I’d be there?”
      “Maybe you’re the night watchman, or maybe you just ran Clarke out. It doesn’t matter. You look down and you see a seagull that has been hit by a cricket ball. It’s struggling to get up, but it can’t. You’re not helping it. Why is that?”
      “You write these questions down yourself Mr. Benaud?”
      “It’s a Test match, designed to provoke a jingoistic response of sporting patriotism. Shall we continue? Tell me the first thing that comes into your about… Warney”
      “Shane Warne? Let me tell you about Shane Warne…”

  21. Tellus says:

    The ASHES of civilization, more like.

  22. ocelotwildly says:

    The conclusion I’m drawing from this comment thread is that the RPS readership is not suffciently steeped in a correct and proper deference for the majestic sport of cricket.

    As for the game itself, I’m very much looking forward to a PC version having been quite fond of the prior Xbox incarnation. Possibly more suited to the shorter formats of the game, however – Any attempt to actually play a test match inevitably dissolved into a madcap run frenzy and brisk double hundreds scored before tea on the first day, before the player really got bored and watched their batting line up collapse like mid-90s England. The bowling was very well implemented though, and if they can spruce up the graphics and animations a bit we might well have a half decent game on our hands.

    Not that any of you savages would notice!

    • LionsPhil says:

      Cricket is that one that’s a bit like baseball, but for old English gents who can’t run so much, isn’t it?

      • iucounu says:

        It’s like baseball, except it requires a lot more skill and physical courage, exhibits infinitely more variety and tension, and is played by people who aren’t steroid monsters.

    • iucounu says:

      This has always been the problem with cricket on computers. There are only two main approaches:

      1. You get to actually bat and bowl and field. Nobody has ever really managed to crack this, mechanically. Brian Lara Cricket was kind of fun on the Super NES but it still often degenerated into your friend bowling slow looping bouncers or you hitting slog sweeps to everything, because you’d worked out how to exploit it. And then you’re also bowling or facing each individual ball in a Test match and it takes hours and hours of gruelling work to get a game in. It’s hard to compress.

      2. Spreadsheet Manager. The International Cricket Captain series essentially gives you a couple of aggression sliders and a button that advances the overs. It simulates cricket matches quite realistically but you don’t really have much to do.

      I don’t think either of these really satisfy. What I’ve been thinking about for years is

      3. A kind of deck-building card game where the mechanics are completely different to cricket but the kinds of scores and situations you get are realistic. For example, you’d maybe start with a stock of eleven cards and as you lose a wicket you have to discard one, to simulate your diminishing resources. That sort of thing.

      • ocelotwildly says:

        Have you ever played dice cricket? It’s kind of similar to what you describe in point 3, if simplified to a ludicrous degree. Dice are rolled to calculate score, with a small chance each time of being dismissed. The scoring runs as if you have 10 batsmen each trying for a high a score as possible, before the next player has a go.

        Given that that highly simplified format gave me plenty of rainy day entertainment in my youth, a slightly more advanced version would be fantastic.

        • iucounu says:

          Yes, at school I used to play that pencil cricket version where you used a hexagonal pencil as a die. That was basically my starting point – that and Top Trumps, which didn’t generate cricket matches but did give you a sense of individual players. I’ve been trying to work out the mechanics of it in my head because it might be fun to punt it at Kickstarter or something. Using a limited and diminishing pool of player cards feels like a fun way to model the resource aspect of the game; it’s the interaction between the players that needs to feel fun and strategic. Somehow the fielding team needs to be able to take a wicket at any time without it then implying teams all out for low scores; so there needs to be some kind of randomizing factor that scales with player skill?

          • ocelotwildly says:

            You could perhaps implement some sort of bluffing mechanic, that might capture the spirit quite well – an over played out by both players simultaneously, with various different shot selections / deliveries. You would get different actions depending on the combination, with poor shot selection to the wrong delivery leading to a wicket – needs some work but I think that’s already the basis of a game I would endlessly pester my cricket weary chums to play with me!

          • iucounu says:

            I did have an idea for playing individual deliveries as a card game; you’d have a kind of 3×3 grid which determined where the ball was pitching (full, short, leg, off, straight) and there would be a kind of stud poker showdown to work out where the bowler bowls and what kind of ball the batsman plays. You turn them up one after another and move a marker about as each card alters the position. A certain number of cards face up so that there’s information about the initial direction, that sort of thing. I can imagine bowler cards like

            SHANE WARNE

            You may treat any ‘leg break <-' card as an 'arm ball ^' card and vice versa
            At no time do you have to show more than one card face-up



            Once per delivery, you may switch the position of any two hole cards

            But one difficulty is working out what kind of scale to play the game at. Do you simulate every ball? That could be nice, but it will then take five days to play a match. Do you simulate each over? That seems like the best solution, but then it starts to feel more abstract.

          • Llewyn says:

            @iucounu: Potentially both. A semi-abstract over-by-over simulation with the possibility of triggering ‘key ball’ events. The key ball events would play out with both players participating in an individual delivery, ideally allowing skilful players to influence events with an important wicket, an inspiring six or maybe just a missed opportunity. These events could perhaps feed back short term into the wider game, representing the effect an inspiring moment, or monumental mistake, can have on the rest of the team.

          • iucounu says:

            @Llewyn Hey, that’s a really nice idea.

      • vanilla bear says:

        You have described Armchair Cricket (see wikipedia), and it is ace.

        • iucounu says:

          Huh, yes, that’s very similar. The Internet: The You Didn’t Think of That First Machine. (I bet we could improve on it though?)

  23. GeminiathXL says:

    So they’ve added fire and violence to cricket? Football, move over.

  24. postwar says:

    I only want Sir Jadeja to be in the game. Rest all is pointless.

  25. Rao Dao Zao says:

    I always said racing would be more fun with gun turrets and football if they had swords, so cricket with exploding balls works for me!

    • Quine says:

      I’d love to see a BloodBowl style version of cricket. Games Workshop need to sort this out now!

      • corinoco says:

        Ah, that would be either Brokian Ultra-Cricket, or Krikkit as played by the white-clad club-wielding death robots of Krikkit.

        Either one would make a rather fun, if somewhat violent, game

  26. Don Reba says:

    Rarely do you see a trailer as informative as it is engaging.

  27. corinoco says:

    Those who listened to Roy & HG in the 80s to 90s would remember that they created the definitive Test Match computer game. As the advertisement said:

    “Once the software has been inserted the computer cannot be switched off until stumps on Day Five. Experience the thrill of delays due to rain. Accurately simulates the collusion between opposing captains when a draw is imminent.”

  28. SuicideKing says:

    So the game has PhysX, yes?

    Look at the photo-realism too.

  29. Strangerator says:

    As an American I can say, this is the first cricket I have watched and it looks awesome! Is the player out if they only manage to break 2 out of 3 burning prongs? Or are they simply lit on fire?

  30. MiloticMaster says:

    You know I was sure Alec was being sarcastic; saying a cricket trailer will answer the world’s greatest mysteries and whatnot.
    But now I know I was so, so, soooo wrong. Alec thank you for such a glorious enlightenment. I didnt think life’s questions could be answered with flaming balls; but I was wrong for doubting you.
    (Also guys the ‘Ashes’ are actually an important thing in cricket, check it: The Ashes

  31. BlackestTea says:

    I watched this after following the link from the Leviathan trailer. About half-way through, the Paradox live-stream which I had paused restarted for no apparent reason, so in the background I heard:
    – “submarines, will the game have those?”
    – “yeah, if the game does well, we might add them in.”

    I was totally convinced it was part of the trailer.

  32. Shiloh says:

    Wow, and I mean that, just wow. I was reading Mike Brearley’s “The Art of Captaincy” only the other week in preparation for the new season, it’s a little ritual I have, designed to get me into the correct frame of mind for taking out the Sunday XI… but goddammit all to hell, it’s now just 5 hours I’ll never get back.

    I’m going to capture this trailer onto my laptop, take it to the first match on Sunday and show it to the lads.

    “That, gentlemen, is cricket. Now go out and play up, play up, and play the game”

  33. Phendron says:

    After all that fanfare with the exploding wicket, I was profoundly disappointed by the generic font.

  34. internationalmanofawesome says:

    Finally, a teaser trailer that fully utilises the In Game Graphics and not just seom CGI puke, so we know what we are in for.

  35. corinoco says:

    True, the fonts could have been more epic. It really needed the title in Papyrus and the bylines in Comic Sans.