Have PETA Seen Guild Wars 2: Rytlock’s Critter Rampage?

Can you kick it? Yes.

I haven’t been back, or even been inclined to go back, to Guild Wars 2 since its initial release, though that probably says at least as much about me and my grasshopper mind as it does about it. I know a bunch of people are playing it, but I don’t know how I can usefully address them about what’s going on with the game, at least not without becoming something of a fraud. A free, tongue-in-cheek retro platformer based on GW2 though? That I can tell you about, and I don’t need to say even a single thing about high-level content to do it.

There perhaps isn’t anything especially remarkable about Rytlock’s Critter Rampage – I mean, throw a rock into the internet air and you’ll hit a dozen 16-bit-styled 2D platformers. The focus on kicking animals to death is deviantly entertaining however, and it’s impressively unforgiving too. Repeated murder by the first couple of enemies, whose movement patterns I was being too lazy to track, soon had my mouth snarling and my nostrils flaring. So there’s that.

It all stems from Guild Wars 2’s surprisingly elaborate April Fool’s update, which turned the MMO (ooh, they don’t entirely like it when you call it that) into a sort of hybrid of Minecraft and Mario 64. We didn’t cover that at the time because we all Captain Frowny-Face about International Obvious Lie Day, but here’s what was involved. Well-observed, I think. Stop the graphics!

And a sort of Making Of, plus a better look at how this worked in-game:

Anyway, you want the animal-kicking game, don’t you? Here you are.


  1. Brun says:

    Rytlock is a giant kitteh. Therefore, this is animal-on-animal violence which thus does not fall under PETA’s jurisdiction.

    • Anthile says:

      I think PETA ruled cats as land fishes and it is therefore okay to kick and occasionally eat them.

      • Hmm-Hmm. says:

        Ah.. fish aren’t animals? That’s like saying vegetarians can eat fish because.. well.. they don’t have meat.

        I know, I know. Sue me for not being funny.

        • KirbyEvan says:

          That’s the joke, there’s plenty of hypocritical vegetarians that eat fish but not “meat”.

          • cowardly says:

            That may be a religious thing though, Hindus often (or at least to a large extent, but Hinduism is weird and changes (sometimes wildly) from region to region) have a prescription against eating red meats (as in, beef, etc..) but not white meats (chicken, fish). Which is why you’ll often see chicken and fish in South Indian dishes, but not beef or pork.

    • calibypolege says:

      If you think Susan`s story is cool…, last pay-cheque my cousins girlfriend also broght in $4583 putting in a seventeen hour week from there apartment and the’re best friend’s step-mother`s neighbour has done this for six months and made more than $4583 in their spare time at there computer. use the guidelines here wow65.com
      (Go to site and open “Home” for details)

    • waaaaaaaals says:

      I’ll remind you that Super Meat Boy was about a boy that didn’t have skin and PETA still took “action” against that game.

      link to supermeatboy.com

      • Cralineleader says:

        It’s PETA. They have nothing better to do except whine about games that are otherwise perfectly fine.

        May I remind you that they butchered our childhood dreams by making a Pokemon parody including gore, and when you got to a treasure box it showed graphic footage of mutilated cows? link to features.peta.org

  2. derella says:

    The Super Adventure Box is a lot of fun — several of my guildies and I are still playing it daily. Due to how well it was received, they are apparently going to add new worlds(it launched with World 1, which was 3 zones + bonus stage) to it as time goes on.

    • Wedge says:

      So they’re gonna add to it instead of taking it out at the end of the month? That’s cool, I played it a bit when it came out, but none of the reward things interest me so I didn’t touch it since then. I did find the level design super impressive to how it encouraged “breaking” the world like an old 2d game, but they really could stand to loosen up the input times for dodge jumps. I play on a controller and still can’t hit them all the time…

  3. Lev Astov says:

    What’s the deal with the word “nostrils” today? I believe it has been used in every article I’ve read so far.

  4. Ultra Superior says:

    Too bad the game is so shitty

    • Squirrelfanatic says:

      Too bad that’s a subjective impression. You Sir, are a sourpuss.

    • Cralineleader says:

      Somebody doesn’t enjoy friendship or optimism :(

  5. frightlever says:

    Can’t remember which City it’s in but there’s GW2 quest where you have to whip animals back into their pens. Actually felt a bit uncomfortable doing it. Obviously no qualms about mercy-killing billions of wildlife on a regular basis but whips? Nope. That’s for the bedroom.

    • dE says:

      Well it was lightning laser whips. Curiously enough though, do tell, did you have no issue with the cow catapult questline? Or the one where you whip Slaves into submission for the mines? Well actually, the latter might be bedroom stories too, at least for some.

      • Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

        The lightning whips are also the Elementalist-air-dagger “number 1” attack, and they are so crazy looking that whenever my friend and I happen to be lightning-whipping the same target we bellow “ELECTROSQUID” into whatever voice communications we’re using.

        We’re easily amused.

    • Cralineleader says:

      It’s actually with cattle prods, and it’s in the Charr starting zone. Technically totally legal by this nation’s standards. Which is really stupid considering that we allow for animal abuse but won’t even allow homosexuals to marry.

      Dammit America.

  6. jonatcer says:

    I signed up just to ask, what’s up with this line?

    “which turned the MMO (ooh, they don’t entirely like it when you call it that)”

    What? Guild Wars 1 isn’t an MMO, but #2 is – and I’ve never heard anyone having an issue with calling #2 an MMO.

    • Cralineleader says:

      Yeah, I didn’t really understand that either. Almost everyone in the game is fine with it being called that. It’s probably from a bunch of WoWheads who bashed the term because they figured WoW was more MMORPG than MMO… and that opinion probably got carried over to here (?????)

      Either way, that line still makes absolutely no sense.

  7. RvLeshrac says:

    Wait, so you didn’t report on the entirely real and best-handled event since the launch of GW2 because it happened on a day you didn’t like? What the fuck.