Then There Were Pyramids: AC III’s Washington DLC Ends

Ratonhnhaké:ton, I am your father and wait what no I don't even know what's going on here anymore.

I’m actually afraid to play Assassin’s Creed III’s Tyranny of King Washington DLC. It’s been on my List Of Vaguely Tantalizing Curiosities for quite some time, but I’m sick with worry that it can’t possibly live up to the madness its trailers boast. I mean, so far we’ve seen ghost eagles, mind-controlled Benjamin Franklin, and Washington sauntering – dual pistols cocked, nostrils flared and lips slyly pursed – like he’s on a catwalk at some eeeeeevil fashion show. And now? Now there is a pyramid. In the middle of New York. For those not in the know/possibly from space, that is not a place where pyramids traditionally go. Watch the trailer and join me in wondering what manner of strange, wonderful brain worm has infested Ubisoft after the break.

Pyramid-cathedral rooftop showdowns! Earthquake bears! A weird, awkward break in the line “We will soon march upon our enemy”! It is, in other words, time for a very silly, admirably improbable showdown. The end of King Washington’s angry, shouty reign is nigh.

“Ratonhnhaké:ton’s journey concludes in the third and final episode, The Redemption, taking gamers to New York to discover the power of the bear, allowing them to strike their foes with unimaginable strength. Our hero will call upon all of the abilities tied to his native heritage in order to break into the monarch fortress and put an end to the tyranny of King Washington.”

Somehow, though, I doubt we’ll actually end up assassinating Washington. In spite of everything else, I feel like maybe that’s taking things a step or two over the line. But then, I suppose we’ll see. I killed several million robo-Washingtons in BioShock Infinite, so anything’s possible.

Assassin’s Creed III: The Tyranny of King Washington: Redemption: The Game With So Many Colons That Even Its Main Character’s Name Has One is out now. You can grab it from Steam, Uplay, and the like. Also, if you’ve already invested some time into the other episodes, are they any good? Or, put another way, will they sate my lust for sheer series spin-off madness until Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon comes out?


  1. noodlecake says:

    After playing 3 and really enjoying being Haytham and then being really disappointed when I ended up being a Conner who is a complete dullard, I want a cold, calculated English assassin protagonist!

    • noodlecake says:

      Or even better, a protagonist from Rotherham. “Ay up, aahs it goin’ laak!? Sithee, tha’s got spaaass all over tha front of thee” No idea why an assassin would ever be bothered about someone having sweets stuck to them but it’s the only thing I could think of.

    • BobbyDylan says:

      This. I could help be think that Conor had no idea what was going on around him, and only seemed entirely reactionary.

      • Spoon Of Doom says:

        This. A nice guy, but kind of clueless and directionless really. One moment he’s going for revenge, then for freedom, then both, then neither, then does stuff because some dude tells him so, and then maybe because a squirrel climbed into his house at night and engraved instructions into his eyelids. I liked the game enough to finish it, but I never felt like there was a convincing, coherent motivation for doing things or not doing other things.

        • Ravenholme says:

          I kind of believe that was the point, Connor represents a degradation in the Assassin order – they’ve lost their founding ideals and morals due to the fact that the Templars are winning, and despite the fact that often the Templars were motivated by higher, more noble goals in ACIII, the last remaining Assassins simply couldn’t let them win out of spite.

          As a result, Connor is more reactionary than pro-active.

          • Spoon Of Doom says:

            Hmm, I’ve never looked at it that way… I mean, I noticed the decay of the assassin order, but I never connected it to Connor’s character and lack of motivation. Makes a surprising amount of sense that way, although I’m still not sure it was a good decision to center the game around a directionless protagonist, because it felt… meh. To me, at least.

            The other thing I found a bit jarring was that while Templars were shown to have somewhat good and noble goals in mind, most of them were suddenly talking and acting much more villainy after the big reveal (switch from Haytham to Connor). Yes, that might be explained to some extent with first seeing them from their own perspective and then from an assassin (i.e. enemy) perspective, but a lot of their actions, manners and dialogues became much more objectively arseholey after that point. I can’t really remember specifics anymore (the whole AC3 is kind of a blur in my memory, except for some parts), but I do remember thinking rather often about several dudes “geez, he certainly wasn’t such a dick while the game still tried to hide that he was a Templar”.

          • Iskariot says:

            That is a good motivation for what amounts to a very mediocre game.
            So they did it on purpose.

    • Alecthar says:

      I lobbied (not really) incredibly hard (I talked about it to my friends constantly) for the next AssCreed to be set in late 18th, early to mid 19th century England. Big parties in townhouses where you have to assassinate someone during a quadrille? Check. Crowded city with affluent and poor areas to parkour in and around? Check. Country estates useable for side missions, like in AssCreed: Bro? Check.

      Plus you’ll be the first assassin to be equally concerned about his tailor and templar plots.

  2. KingFunk says:

    What’s with Ubi and all these mad-themed DLC? To be fair I haven’t got FC3 or AC3, but I like the sentiment. Also, it sure beats more f**king Nazi zombies…

    • RedViv says:

      Games need more madness. If even the dullest of manshoot franchises had its best moments when it was almost entirely mad in its depiction of Cold War spying with all the backstabbing and dictator doubles, well, then that should prove some point or other. I think.

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  3. warthog2k says:


  4. Jimbo says:

    This Washington doesn’t even save American children. He’ll definitely be assassinated.

    • Geen says:

      He’ll save the children, but not the british children.
      He’ll save the children, but not the british children.

  5. Ravenholme says:

    I’ve really been enjoying the episodes so far – the first is the weakest so far but was still very enjoyable, and the second is just awesome.

    The plot is basically the writers embracing the silly sci-fi alternate history pulp fiction they’ve been writing and deciding to have some fun with it, rather than playing it straight as they usually do.

    If you like the way the AC games play, and want to be able to cloak yourself invisible, and to be able to fly like an eagle to different points, then definitely give it a whirl

  6. Spoon Of Doom says:

    I’ve played ever AC game yet, and liked them (except for Revelations, which was a bit meh even for my taste), but I never felt the urge to play any of the DLC missions, or any of the myriad of preorder missions I’ve missed out on, because… well, AC games are not of the “oh, it’s so short and there’s nothing to do and I wish there was more of it” kind. When I’ve finished one (or sometimes even a while before finishing), I’ve had enough assassins and creeds that I probably wouldn’t want more even if it was free.

    But this here, this looks almost insane enough to convince me otherwise. Almost.

  7. strangeloup says:

    This looks really deliciously mental. I wish that regular AssCree3 had been more like this, instead of having tedious missions and a dullard protagonist involved in all of US history and 57,000 optional doodads for the obsessive completionist/ADHD sufferer.

    *ahem* Also, between this DLC series and Total War: Rome II, wolf hats are coming back in style.

  8. Judas says:

    It looks and sounds stupid and is a terrible way to envision one of the greatest men of History as a proponent of FREEDOM.

  9. Vinraith says:

    It’s AC, so it’s nutsy fruitsy, but it’s nice to see a riff on the whole “what if Washington hadn’t handed back power voluntarily” thing. Too many folks fail to understand just what a surprise that was, and how differently things could have gone.

  10. Sarcastro says:

    Man there is so much dumb in that trailer. I am so glad I gave up on AC after a couple hours with the first one.