All The Kids Will Be Playing It: Cello Fortress

I can already see the Daily Mail headlines. “Do You Know If Your Child Is Playing Cello?” Sensationalist articles about the dangers of celloing in the playground, the scourge of gaming and its insidious links to orchestral music. Because there’s more information about Cello Fortress.

Yes, it really is a game in which four players play against a live cellist. YES! Another one! As Craig mentioned earlier in the year, the game sees a cellist using music to protect his fortress from invading players. And… well, there’s a new video to explain.

This is by the impossibly named Joost “Oogst” van Dongen, who created the gorgeous Proun last year. And wow. First of all, the cello is the best instrument there is for ears to hear, and secondly, it’s the greatest idea ever. I can prove that on a graph:


If you want to see the game being played/performed, and ohmygoodness I do, there are dates coming up this month in Holland. You can find out the details here.


  1. RedViv says:

    Person with science-y title says: Cellos might probably cause cancer

    • MajorManiac says:

      Mr Gary Doctor implied eating Cellos could extend you life.

    • lordcooper says:

      Luckily they also cure it!

    • amateurviking says:

      I have a PhD*. Cellos at certain concentrations** cause cancer of the anus***.

      *in entomology
      **3kg/kg dosage applied directly to study area
      ***n=3, P=0.0499

      • DrZhark says:

        Intriguing, a few questions:
        n = 3, so how did you convince the three subjects to do this study? How do you get a p < 0.05 with only three subjects!!??? mus have been a very very well thought off paper. =)
        I was also wondering what kind of insect has such a big 'study area' that you can apply pieces of cello to it.

    • Koozer says:

      “Are your children being exposed to senseless violins?”

      (Yeah I stole it from Sparks)

    • cowardly says:

      We at the Daily Mail pride ourselves on not beating around the bush and tackling the real issues head on! None of these “might”s and “probably”s, only hard-hitting truths! Put aside your doubts, sir, and rush head-on into the issues, armed only with your ignorance : cellos cause cancer, and cello players are stealing our jobs!

  2. mickygor says:

    I imagine Dongen’s harder to pronounce than Joost.

  3. Schmudley says:

    “the cello is the best instrument there is for ears to hear”.
    Ummmm, think you’ll find it’s the saxophone, the coolest of all the instruments.

    But yeah, this is awesome.

    • Magnusm1 says:

      I’m afraid there is nothing quite as amazing as the electric guitar.

      • Berzee says:

        I would like to lend my quavering voice of support for the Glass Armonica. (I might have said cello as well but I wanted to be edgy and controversial).

        • The Random One says:

          The best instrument is clearly the theremin, but you’re all sheeple and can’t realize that.

          • Berzee says:

            I actually had typed that in instead of Glass Armonica, but then I deleted it because I wanted to be edgy and controversial. :D

            I tried to follow some youtubes to build a home-the-made theremin out of three AM/FM radios I got at thrift stores, but I failed the challenge. D:

          • Pliqu3011 says:

            You peasants clearly know nothing about the finesse and beauty of the clarinet.

            But a theremin’s also good I guess.

          • JackShandy says:

            The deadliest instrument of all: Man.

          • realmenhuntinpacks says:

            NIce try, but it’s the Keytar and everyone knows it.

          • cowardly says:

            Now, I’m sure you’re all enjoying talking about your instruments, but this is a public space! Think about the children!

          • Arglebargle says:

            There is no instrument as frightening as the one played by a digeridude!

      • Spakkenkhrist says:

        The most overrated instrument since time began.

    • FCA says:

      Having jammed on my saxophone together with Joost on his cello, I must say that, while I agree in principle with your statement, in this case sadly: Joost+cello > me + saxophone. I’d like to think that was because cello>saxophone, but I must admit, it probably is also because Joost > me in the music department (and game-making department).

      He is certainly a talented guy. Also one of the people behind “de Blob” (the original version), Awesomenauts and Swords and Soldiers. Certainly the most creative Dutch game studio there is (I’m looking at you Guerrilla Games…)

  4. Feferuco says:

    Ice lollies. Ha.

    • Gap Gen says:

      Ice lollies and Christmas crackers are but two examples of the British love for hiding puns in things.

    • LordMidas says:

      Refreshers Ice Lollies FTW!!!

      • Surlywombat says:

        God yes, I have only recently discovered these pieces of frozen ambrosia having previously dismissed them as poor Rocket copies. What a fool I have been.

  5. Shadowcat says:

    I’ve seen all the headlines about violins in games, but I had thought those claims were bassless. Now this!

  6. Gap Gen says:

    When will RPS stop posting about stringed instruments and write about games I am leaving forever.

    • amateurviking says:

      John Walker came round my house and superglued my eyes to my monitor so I would read about cellos. This is the worstest.

    • DiamondDog says:

      Yeah it’s a clear agenda. They’re never willing to acknowledge the woodwind section.

    • Koozer says:

      It’s all just typical Bolshevic rhetoric.

      • GaiusJulius394 says:

        I am so glad this is RPS’ new meme.

        • Gap Gen says:

          Menshevik stooge.

        • Premium User Badge

          Bluerps says:

          Is it? And would that be a good thing?
          On the one hand, it is very confusing and no one would get it (I mean, I didn’t even get the original comment). On the other hand, it is quite a versatile statement – you can put that under almost everything, both articles and comments.


  7. MichaelPalin says:

    This guy is definitely talented, he was also in the team that made “The Blob” (idea later used to create “de Blob”).

  8. Tunips says:

    Anyone keen on either or both of cellos and technology should of course listen to Zoë Keating. link to

  9. DickSocrates says:

    Saturn era textures are never a good thing. Never ever.

  10. Dominic White says:

    The final boss should be Apocalyptica.

  11. Jams O'Donnell says:

    Cello is obviously OP.

  12. Berzee says:

    This cello game makes sounds that sound like “Arcanum: Of Steamworks And Magick Obscura”, another game that makes the cello sounds.

    • thecommoncold says:

      thecommoncold, Pedant Edition says: Arcanum is actually string quartet.

      That said, whenever I hear string quartet, I think “Oooh, Arcanum!” and then long for the days when RPGs allowed you to play a chemist with a tranquilizer gun and molotov cocktails. Sigh…

      • Berzee says:

        I am willing to accept that there are some other sounds in there in addition to the cello. >_<

      • Gap Gen says:

        I kinda liked that game, although I sort of stopped playing while hacking through an interminable sewer. I really liked that the different skill trees were so varied, but I went guns and was hopelessly weak until I got something that ate bullets. My dog was still the strongest fighter of the group. Which is why I never used the train, as dogs weren’t allowed on. Prime material for a remake, though.

  13. Berzee says:

    (links to 8 devastating counter-reports on the issues we care about)

  14. Berzee says:

    I can say pretty confidently that I would be better at playing musical instruments if musical instruments were also flamethrowers.

    • Gap Gen says:

      Except your neighbours would complain about the towering inferno when you tried to practice in your room at 2am.

  15. guygodbois00 says:

    School of Rock says Cellooo(!) to everybody at this thread.

    • stahlwerk says:

      Since I saw that film, that line is what I think of when reading or hearing about anything cello-related.

  16. Brun says:

    The Musician bludgeons The Heckler’s head with his +Maple Cello+, shattering the skull and tearing the brain!
    Urist McMusicpatron, Heckler has been struck down.

  17. phelix says:

    There is no such country as Holland, rapscallion!