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Hallelujah: Chemical Spillage Simulation Is Real

Nondescript warehouse boxes are a leading cause of radiation.

Fact: 52848202102395 chemicals spill every hour. Another fact: said spillages have resulted in the near-extinction of humanity on countless occasions. Third fact: one such spillage recently caused me to forget the meaning of the word “fact”. Fortunately, Chemical Spillage Simulation will soon be on the scene to save the day. Or teach me to save the day, anyway. It’s about stopping oozing, multi-tendriled sludgetastrophes before they ever happen, but instead of going about it the normal way (time travel), you use meticulously calibrated analysis vehicles, tools, and robots. Be still, my beating heart. Oh wait, that’s just my Geiger counter.

The serious game about serious things that will seriously never be used in hilariously dumb 420 dubstep montages unless they’re serious heralds from Excalibur Publishing, they of Train Simulator 2013, Euro Truck Simulator 2, Police Simulator 2, and Fritz 13 Chess. They maybe like simulating things a little.

So then, how do you simulate a chemical spillage? Pretty much like this:

“You’ve just been enlisted as a novice member of the Special Chemical Disaster Prevention unit and as such cannot yet be trusted to engage in highly specialised missions. Your initial assignments are geared towards chemical spillage prevention but will also include extinguishing house and warehouse fires. You’ll then progress onto the recovery and analysis of chemical and radioactive materials, escorting radioactive materials transportation and a mission involving an atomic power plant.”

Escalation! From grease fires at Denny’s to nuclear meltdowns. That’s my kind of career progression.

In the process, you’ll get behind the wheel of a Special Chemical Analysis Vehicle, fire trucks, and a fully controllable robot. You’ll also need to make frequent trips to your truck-mounted Chemical Prevention Mobile unit or else risk dire consequences without oil absorbing units, contamination meters, and, er, hazard suits. But who cares about those, right? Mop up extremely dangerous fluids naked! It’s the only guaranteed way to get super powers, you know.

Chemical Spillage Simulation will be out on June 14th. That’s a fact, right? Or maybe it’s a pretzel. These days, you never really can be sure what’s true and what’s edible.

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Nathan Grayson

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