Every day RPS is perplexingly bombarded with press releases for half-arsed Flash games aimed at some unknowable make-up-and-horses-loving audience. Why they send this stuff to us we do not understand, but today Cara and John decided to take a look. Firstly at Selena Hair Care, because it promised it was “unique” and “fun”. Here are their adventures.
John: Have you finished Selena Hair Care yet?
Cara: Nope. It is very difficult.
John: Well, we can experience your reactions as we go. You should know that I found out about it because it was emailed to us by Top Baby Games, saying: “We have released a very unique and fun spa game published by our website TopBabyGames.com. Please review and publish it on your websites if you like it.”
Cara: Okay so I didn’t know that olive oil was in so many products that you don’t eat.
John: My perspective is more that I didn’t know I could eat so many hair care products.
John: Can you just explain for our reader exactly what Selena Hair Care is?
Cara: Well the story part of this game is very lacking. In that there is no explanation of who Selena is. Or why she likes hair care. So far, it is turning out to be a mystery game about Selena, and who exactly it is making hair care products.
Cara: MAYBE IT WILL TURN OUT TO BE ME. In a sort of M Night Shaymalannnnaan type thing
John: Whereabouts in the game are you?
Cara: I am preparing some conditioner from some Oat Protein. Oh god you put emulsified wax in conditioner? I am never putting conditioner on my hair again.
John: So you’ve made the avocado mask. What do you imagine that’s for?
Cara: I think the avocado mask must be for Halloween. Scaring children. They hate vegetables.
John: For the face, right?
Cara: Yes I think so. Although you could put it elsewhere but you would get arrested. Because you don’t want to be caught on Halloween running around with an avocado butt.
John: I’m playing it again, and have made the avocado mask in an incredible time. I scored 3,080 points!
Cara: Do you know I really like this handholding thing. Why do games let you do so much stuff unsupervised these days. It’s dangerous… OH MY GOD YOU PUT THE PIPETTE INTO THE ESSENTIAL OIL
John: Exactly. Why can’t games just have a pointy hand over the man I’m meant to shoot, and then a pointy hand over the gun I’m meant to fire?
Cara: The trolley came back. It is like The Mack.
Cara: Yes! omg I got 4400 on the conditioner one.
John: I WHOOPED you.
Cara: This green mug is attractive. He gives me all my points. Okay I am applying the Avocado Mask
John: To where, Cara?
Cara: Apparently the hair?
Cara: OH GOSH IS THIS SELENA
John: I think it is!
Cara: This is the legendary Selena!
John: But then, aren’t I Selena?
Cara: This is a fucking great story. Better than Crysis 3.
John: Surely Selena should be doing the hair care?
Cara: Oh yeah.
John: I think this is Selena’s catatonic friend, Helena.
Cara: She seems quite botoxed. We are experiencing the Uncanny Valley effect
John: But can we just get back to… applying a mask to HAIR? Hair can’t wear a mask! Except, on explicit occasions, on the back of your head for comic effect.
Cara: To be honest it has made her hair look a bit gross. I’d be scared of her if she came to the door and I was a small child.
Cara: If this is what being a girl is I am probably a really shit girl. I am having some sort of identity crisis. Actually have you noticed this game is quite sexist, there are no men in it
John: I like to remember that men built the salon.
John: IF YOU WIN YOU GET TO SEE SELENA!
Cara: OH MY GOD I LOST JOHN
Cara: Ahahahahahahahah. I can’t stop laughing
Cara: I have FAILED at the task of performing my gender.
John: You can fail?!
Cara: Ahahah. I HAVE FAILED. SELENA IS CRYING. Oh my god this is emotionally devastating.
John: She’s so happy here! Proudly holding her hair dryer.
Cara: Like That Dragon Cancer
John: 13,199 I scored. A+. What grade did you get?
Cara: I got 8390 and a grade C
John: YOU HAVE TO RETAKE!
Cara: WHY ARE YOU A BETTER GIRL THAN ME?
John: It’s all about my vagina.
Cara: Damn your vagina, John.
John: I know you’re in a tough place right now, but can we go back and discuss the pink cart?
Cara: Totally. Why does it exist? Is it Selena’s?
John: It seems like it’s for a baby. But it’s used for transporting completed tonics and potions. Which seems an ultimately inefficient way to move a small bottle.
Cara: Yes, it’s weird it’s like a companion to me now. Except it doesn’t run off and get stuck behind a door. Or as far as I know it hasn’t been getting stuck in traps on the way to the salon.
John: It’s more like the Weighted Companion Cube. I kind of what it to appear in all games I play now.
Cara: The little trolley is back to pick up my shampoo!
Cara: Awww little trolley I missed you.
Cara: I don’t understand. Where is this Top Baby? Are these games for babies? Who is the target market? Do babies like the shootmans or the platformers?
John: CARA CARA CARA!
Cara: Ahahahaha John this Liam Payne thing. Who IS HE
John: He’s Famous Singer Liam Payne! I just dealt with some guy off of One Direction’s spotty face!
Cara: See you have again outperformed me in the performance of my own gender. I do not know who this guy is. Who are One Direction?
John: They’re a band off of a TV thing!
Cara: What are their ‘hits’
John: Um… “Ooh, Girly I Love Your Thoughts”? “Hey Babe, Let’s Hold Hands For A Bit”?
Cara: Hahah this guy looks silly with blue stuff on his face… Wait is my job in this game to PICK this guy’s SPOTS
John: I think we might be just concealing them.
Cara: Well. This is. This is a lot like Ride To Hell: Retribution, in that it is like my videogame Shawshank.
John: The pink trolley doesn’t appear : (
Cara: I reallly miss the pink trolley. I am thinking of all those times we had with the shampoo. And crying a bit
John: It’s too much for me to carry on.
Cara: This game would be better if the guy was 30 years old, looked more like Antonio Banderas, and you could see lower than the belly button.
John: (I’m secretly playing a clearly not-Disney-licensed Ariel Mermaid Spot The Difference.)
Cara: I am not sure that Top Baby Games understands that the arduous tasks of performing societal norms are not inherently pleasant and are a thing that no person likes doing. I do not wake up in the morning and want to make a shampoo. And I am pretty bored with applying it to myself to be honest.
John: But surely you look forward to squeezing spots?
Cara: I am not a massive fan of squeezing spots
Cara: I have never actually squeezed someone else’s either.
Cara: OH MY GOD that game was such a massive let down. I thought he’d at least naked dance for me at the end. Or SOMETHING. A chime to say I’d won. But NO.
John: In Nicoles [sic] Mommy Challenge you can just sit in a chair and sleep while your baby cries itself to death.
Cara: Oh god. Verdict: Gave me existential crisis
John: The game features a “Fatique Meter”.
John: Right, what have we learned from playing Top Baby Games?
Cara: That I don’t know how to be a lady.
Cara: That pink trolley is mysterious and cool.
Cara: And that Liam whatsisname is in a band called Some Directions.
John: We’ve done well here. And to finish, here is their collection of Cleaning Games:
Cara: In any case, I do feel a bit soothed by the presence of a pink trolley. I think I might buy one.
John: Here you go!
Cara: THIS IS IT.
Cara: THIS IS THE ONE.
Cara: It’s bought.