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NSFW: F**kQuest: Highway To The Bonerzone?

EXPLODE

Imagine if you were in some sort of hot makeout session with some lithe babe of your dreams, in my case some skinny nerdy bloke with stubble, low voice, and a weird penchant to hate you immediately after sex, and you were just going to proceed to take all your clothes off and make ‘aaah’ noises when Leisure Suit Larry popped into your head.

I’ve been playing Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded all weekend (sadly not a euphemism), and it’s probably the worst heterosexual pants-droughtener you can ever think of, it even scorched my neuropathways with its un-hotness so that all creative wordening left my brain and flew out of the open door into the Brighton sunlight. Frankly all I could think of was not sex which is a miracle, if you’re me. It’s funny that Leisure Suit Larry has this titillating tit rep, when you never see it going in and it’s not even funny. So I harkened back to the only Sierra-esque adventure I ever actually thought was naughty: the silly funny parody game, FuckQuest. (THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK THERE ARE TITS AND WILLIES.)

FuckQuest is a 1998 parody of games in the KingsQuest and SpaceQuest veiny area, a very easy adventure game starring a man called, you guessed it, Richard. It’s amazingly crass, like Leisure Suit Larry, but here I feel FuckQuest’s pure whimsicality outstakes its bigger, girthier older brother. The dialogue boxes are succinctly funny as well as being informative:

Boring.

(That’s two people rutting on park bench in the background in an ‘animated’ fashion.)

Grinding this game is all about picking up items as gifts to persuade a woman to sleep with you. This is no surprise. However, as Pippin Barr writes, there is some real charm to this adolescent-drawn full colour sleaziness: one of the items you can pick up is the Brad Pitt mask, and once you put it on your whole head resembles a very blurry Brad Pitt. It’s odd: once the game tells you that it is a Brad Pitt mask, you can’t help squinting at it and nodding in agreement. Yes, you think. There is something quite Brad Pitt about me now.

Amazing architecture waow

Richard says very little that is offensive (that is left up to the game’s disembodied narrator, who talks about pussy as if it is the most important thing in the world), instead he is voiceless. This is perhaps Larry’s increasing mistake: talking. I do not want my men to talk if they’re going to use super gross pick up artist pick up lines, like the one where you have been running around in someone’s head all night and oh you must be very tired just NO Larry. Shh. It is quiet time now.

FuckQuest manages to have a gross sense of humour and be quite nice. For example, try and pick up the Dick O’ Matic 2000 in the amazing feat of architecture that is the House O’ Porn, and you get told that you’ve got a perfectly good dick.

No need

YES. You hear that player? You have a pretty sweet dick. No need for that expensive thing. And vibration is not the Only Way. Off you trot.

However, convincing a woman to sleep with you by wearing a mask is probably one of the creepiest behaviours I have ever heard of. To be fair, she probably realised that you were wearing a Brad Pitt mask, as she later addresses you as Richard in the bedroom (rumbled). So perhaps this bumbling mask-wearing is cute to her. Which… could happen? Maybe? I mean she couldn’t have just thought Brad Pitt would walk up and proposition, she isn’t as completely debilitatingly good-looking as me. (I love measuring my own attractiveness against six-pixel women, I always win.)

In any case you end up boning, you DO see it going in, and you can put it in and out in FOUR, yes FOUR different positions. I have neglected to screenshot this as I thought it’d be spoilers, not because I am scared of luncheon meat truncheons. It is a highly amusing, gross-erotic experience which is probably why teen-perv me liked it so much.

THERE ARE ONLY FOUR POSITIONS

Of note is the fact that a) your penis is entirely disembodied and incredibly difficult to aim going in and out and b) you can only go in and out for as many times as it takes you, Dick, to climax in a spectacular firework display of what I am supposing are ‘feels’. The woman’s orgasm is not mentioned.

Just going on an eternal quest for fuck

Cara’s Final Thought: I’d make a joke about relationships which climax in orgasm and then the protagonist loses interest, but maybe I’d cry. But it’s odd that videogames have not really moved on from this model of ‘romance’ where you feed a person gifts until you can ruthlessly fuck them and move on. Odder still that sex often isn’t made more interesting for more sexualities than a heterosexual male with something to prove.

In Oblivion you could bribe a woman to fall in love with you, in Dragon Age you can just give men and women gifts until they succumb to your… ‘charm’. The pursuit of orgasms is a win/lose state, and that’s it. That’s true of FuckQuest. However, at least in FuckQuest the sex itself is an actual process, even if it is awkwardly mechanical. It doesn’t say anything profound about sex, and it’s certainly the most boring way of articulating a sexual process, but there is something still…naughty and graphic about it. The in-and-outs are considered. It’s slower than your usual sex. It’s… a disembodied penis with a purpose.

Oh, we slept together, deal with it, I’m off to become champion of the arena. BYE.

You can pick up FuckQuest for a mere zero dollars. It’s a classic.

Have an excellent French video about videogame sex.

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Who am I?

Cara Ellison

Contributor

Senior Scottish Correspondent, often known as the Notorious C A E, though mostly by her mum

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