It is midnight.
Take it from an old thing – people love new things. Yes, I am The Midnight Table, a piece of furniture so old and ancient some Rolling Stones lyrics were written upon me. Age brings many gifts – wisdom… Um… That’s about it.
What was I saying? Yes – I have learned that gamers love new things. But what about those games, well-loved, that no longer have the freshness of spring grass? Tonight, I tell you what I have heard over the past few weeks about expansions that have given a new breath of air to some great games, in our first set of UTTERINGS. I continue to ease you in gently, before next week’s full bloom.
What makes me different from the other board game reviewers? That’s what you’re thinking, right? Well, for one thing, I am a table. For another, I am the only one who will relate to you TRUE and DOCUMENTED utterings by actual players. These utterings are freed from the rigid structure of conventional “game reviewing” as made popular by various penisbags and vaginameats on the electronic forest that is the internet. There will be no “summing up” and no rules explanation. Utterings are for experienced gamers, with the greatest respect for your human intelligence (such as it is), and are laid out before you as if you overheard them yourself.
Yes, on occasions such as tonight, I will dictate these remembered utterings to my scribe (he hates being called “secretary”) Brother Gethsemane, the Dark Monk of the Shaded Glade. You will then be able to draw your own conclusions about the games mentioned. Also – you must tell me if you would rather have these utterings in audio form. I can provide this if you feel it is necessary.
No imagery. Only words. Read, and hear.
SET ONE – BLOOD BOWL: TEAM MANAGER: SUDDEN DEATH
– See here for full coverage of Blood Bowl: Team Manager. These utterings cover two teams in the Sudden Death expansion for this fine game.
“This is just annoying me now. I hate the players that can regenerate. So I tackle and knock your player down, and you make a lucky roll and just get straight back up? And all my team can really do is tackle? Ugh.”
“I think our teams are just spoiling like crazy. Your Dark Elves are big tacklers. My Undead are hard to put down. It’s going to be frustrating. I like that it’s frustrating. It feels like one of those football matches you watch, where two teams are so evenly matched that they cancel each other out, and it turns into a big midfield grind.”
“I suppose so. It just highlights how big a part the dice play, though. I’m rolling constantly to tackle. You’re rolling constantly to get up. It’s all luck.”
“Yeah, maybe. But that’s why I’m focusing on getting a team upgrade. Luck is too big a factor. It’s going to be decided by a lucky break or two. So I’m like – if I can get a team upgrade, something that swings things in my favour, maybe a re-roll here or there, that’s going to make all the difference. It’s like – I’m not leaving this to luck. I need to make some kind of change.”
“These new contracts are terrifying. It’s more hidden information, so that’s cool, but it’s a gamble even trying to win a contract, because you’re not sure exactly what they’re worth. Is it too much? You know what I mean? Say I have two contracts at the end of the game, and you have two. We flip them and my two give me 4 fans, and your two give you 10. Is that fair?”
“Well, they’re optional.”
“Aye, but are they fair?”
“I think it adds to the flavour of it being about a whole season of being a Team Manager. You know the other team is making deals behind closed doors, big contracts being signed and so on. But you don’t know how lucrative they are. All you can do is make sure you’re competing on that front.”
“It does seem to be a game about “making the best fist of the fickleness of fate”. Actually, that’s pretty brilliant, because that’s what sport is.”
“Exactly. Imagine this game with NO luck. No dice, no cheat tokens, no contracts. That wouldn’t simulate a sport at all.”
“I love this big fuckin’ Mummy, by the way. He gets fans by injuring people. That’s my kind of Mummy. That’s a yummy Mummy.”
SET TWO – SPARTACUS
See here for full coverage of Spartacus. These utterings cover a 5-player game, with the latest expansion – The Serpents And The Wolf.
“I’m not even in this game.”
“You are. You might think you’re not, but you are. It’s because it’s your first game. You kinda need to know the value of stuff. Like – you sold that guard card way too cheaply earlier. Guards are gold in this game.”
“Check this gladiator out. Othos. It says he’s “Over-Rated”. He starts with a favour token, like he’s a winner already, but his stats aren’t much cop.”
“That’s funny. I love this game.”
“I can’t believe I overpaid for this over-rated guy!”
“These auctions are brutal. I keep either going in way too high or way too low. Or matching a bid and then chickening out of the additional bids. It’s cool that auctions collapse so often when bidding wars break out. Everything’s so well thought out.”
“I want that over-rated guy in the arena NOW. I need to see him fight. Look at him. That’s hilarious.”
“We’re all being so well-behaved. No poisonings, no prostitutes. This is very civil so far. A wee decapitation should set things off nicely.”
“I still can’t get over this over-rated gladiator. I think this dude is my favourite guy in any board game. He’s a bit shit, but he starts with favour because he’s over-rated. We then all over-bid for him, just to get the money his bullshit reputation will bring through the gate. Even though he’ll probably get hammered inside the arena. He’s fucking AMAZING.”
“I want to chop his head off.”
“Good luck with that, Mr. Starting Gladiator.”
“I just feel totally adrift here. I’m skint, and all my guys are crap. I haven’t even had a fight yet.”
“If you’re so keen to have your guy’s head lopped off, throw me a couple of coins and I’ll maybe invite you to a fight.”
“Spartacus: The Game Of Maybes.”
“I can’t believe Othos won that fight. Can we even call him over-rated anymore?”
“I love this game”.
And with that, the utterings fade into silence. I hope that these utterings were in some way helpful. I understand that many of you might not understand exactly what any of these voices were talking about – I hope that you will further investigate the games mentioned. For those of you who are aware of these games, I hope you recognise some of the thoughts recorded above. Perhaps they echo your own.
I say nothing about these expansion sets. I feel that you may get a flavour of them from the utterings, each of them straight from the source to you, and I ask you to make your own judgement. On Days of Uttering, I remain neutral.
With you now fully introduced to the strange, twisting form that my columns will take, I feel that you will be ready for my ground-breaking full bloom coverage of a new board game next week. Using some utterings, some Woodium “Video” Information, and some of Brother Gethsemane’s etchings, I will tell you about a game called Kemet.
Sleep well. Prepare. Until next week…