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Citizen Deathstick: Marlow Briggs And The MASK OF DEATH

Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death’s Steam page is my favorite Steam page. I don’t think it’s a joke. I hope it’s not a joke. I mean, it seems decently self-aware, but I’m also whiffing the faintest hint of sincerity bludgeoning all noses within a 50 mile radius of its location. “A new breed of WARRIOR returns, committed to destroying the enemies of FREEDOM. When ONE angry man, has a world to protect – There is only ONE future – HIS OWN. No-nonsense hero Marlow never shied away from danger or trouble. But now he faces his ULTIMATE challenge. After crash-landing in Central America, he has an industrial evil to defeat whilst bound to an ancient Mayan Death Mask who’s had no-one to talk to for 2000 years.”

If Marlow Briggs does indeed have all of these things, it is the ultimate videogame. Also, John, did you write the copy for this? Come on now. Fess up.

KILLING HIM WILL ONLY PISS HIM OFF. HE IS THAT ANGRY OF A MAN.

Yeah, it seems super dumb and grindhouse-y, but is that… no, over there! In that rustling patch of explosions! Do I see a… a budget? Maybe the trailer’s just exceedingly well-cut, but this doesn’t look like utter shit. It’s certainly a budget game at only $14.99, but maybe it’s halfway-decent stupid fun instead of turgid, wetly-thudding “action”?

Seeing as two actual feature bullet points are “Leap out of HUGE EXPLOSIONS in slow motion” and “Save the ENTIRE planet,” I certainly hope so.

Has anyone played this yet? If, hypothetically, I just bought it because it won’t stop calling to me in a gruff, idiotic voice I can’t help but love, should I be feeling regret right now? Or do I now own what will – decades from now – irrevocably be known as our medium’s finest hour?

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Nathan Grayson

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