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The Scariest News Of All: The 7th Guest 3 Announced

This is too much, even for Halloween. Proof that the universe hates me, and that entropy affects video games, is the announcement of The 7th Guest 3. I thought the evil of the two previous dreadful games had been safely locked in the 90s, but keep your pets inside, they’ve escaped. You think you remember liking them? You’re forgetting what an idiot you were when you were 20 years younger. These half-arsed petrol station puzzle book puzzles, draped in the dullest FMV since man first drew on cave walls, were a novelty at the time. 7th Guest even predates the ghastly Myst, for dazzling our dumbass eyes with pre-rendered backgrounds and Z-list actors drooling careless dialogue projected over the top. You can fund it via Kickstarter!

Oh sure, I remember being briefly taken in by it at the time. I was 16. CD-ROMs were this brand new thing, games no longer needing to be installed via 12 floppy discs, and suddenly rather than the 12MB even that would have offered, there was suddenly the equivalent of 450 of them. Developers couldn’t cope. They had to fill it, with anything they could, no matter how awful. And thus there was The 7th Guest. It was impressive to see a home computer doing things it had never done before. Until you realised you weren’t having any fun whatsoever.

They’re asking for a peculiarly specific $435,000, and I’ve a horrible feeling they’ll get it. Because of people like you, already writing your angry, disagreeing comment. IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT.

It looks like a CAD video by an estate agent crossed with a primary school nativity play, that last for all eternity. It says it’s 11 minutes long, but I didn’t have this beard when I first clicked, and it’s still going.

The stretch goals take this from madness to farce. Double the money and they say they’ll “make drama variable”. Um. For a million dollars they’ll add a whole THREE new puzzles! And for $4m? They’ll buy a big house and open it to the public as a “haunted house themed amusement center”. WHAT?

In summary: weep.

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John Walker

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