Everybody, stop whatever you’re doing. Just stop.
Go. Go watch it do both dolphin and gun things in the latest video of Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare. It makes high-pitched squealing sounds and blasts bubbles and everything. This is what Ecco The Dolphin would be like if Sega rebooted it as a gritty plant-centric zombie shooter. It is, in other words, the one thing that’s always been missing from your world – the puzzle piece that your heart and soul ached to find lodged between life’s sofa cushions – given shape and form. It is a dolphin gun, you guys. Let that just sink in for a moment. A dolphin gun.
Yes. Yesssssssssssssss. All games need a marine biologist mad scientist with a living, breathing aquatic mammal for a shotgun.
Oh, the other classes look cool too, I guess. The classes largely seem to occupy pretty familiar roles – the zombie All-Star is basically a Heavy, for instance, and the plant Sunflower is a healer, etc – but with powers and abilities that make the proceedings extra chaotic. Crazy fast charges, warps, independently controllable garlic drones, and things of that nature. Meanwhile, less traditional classes like the plant Chomper can burrow, sneak, and dole out massive amounts of melee damage.
If I’m being honest, it actually looks really fun and silly. When EA first announced that it was making a Plants vs Zombies shooter, my knee jerked so hard that I accidentally KO-ed the entire nation of Thailand, but I’m slowly coming around to the idea.
The only big problem at this point? The PC version still doesn’t have a release date. Garden Warfare is coming to Xbox 360 and its presumably distant predecessor, the Xbox One, on February 20th, but EA “doesn’t have a launch date to share at this time” for PC. That’s stupid and infuriating, but next-gen is here so of course it’s time to go back to The Old Way of blindly shunning one of the biggest gaming platforms on the planet. Because that seems like an intelligent, reasonable thing to do.
Ugh, now I’ve gone and made myself angry. I’m gonna go punch a potted office fern until I’m happy again.