Of Heals And Heels: Team Fortress 2’s Two Cities Update

STOP, in the name of love. Er, sorry. Guns. I meant to say stop in the name of guns.

OK, time for a truth bomb: I haven’t played Team Fortress 2 in age– *KATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMSPLURSHHHHHH* Oh jeez, wow. That was actually a regular bomb lightly sprinkled with truth. My bad. I’m gonna need to un-bury John and Alec from the wreckage momentarily (Graham was out, and Adam is immune to explosions), but quickly: I haven’t played Team Fortress 2 in quite some time, but I still get excited about updates. Why, you ask? Because Valve always delivers brilliant laughs on top of them. Go below for delightful text and a gruesomely enjoyable video of the new, Medic-immortality-granting Two Cities update.

The update focuses largely on Mann vs Machine mode, adding three new maps: Mannhattan, the player-created Snakewater, and Rottenburg. Oh, but Valve wants to be absolutely sure you know that Snakewater isn’t a city. It’s not even “a legally defined government entity.” There are only two cities, you see. Two. Completing a Two Cities Tour, meanwhile, grants you a killstreak kit which you can apply to any weapon to get a – drumroll, suspense, upheaval in cities across the world, people on fire – killstreak weapon.

The biggest class beneficiary of Two Cities, meanwhile, is the Medic. He can now sort of invalidate the field of medicine altogether by simply bringing the dead back to life with this Reanimator, and he also gets a powerful projectile shield to back it up. Oh, and mad milk syringes, which sound like the most devastating weapon of all, largely because I’m terrified of needles.

You can slip on your kinda-sterile (or at least, they were a few hours ago, before you killed all those people) gloves and dive into the update’s guts right now. To encourage you to do that, here is a nice (and completely factually accurate) sentiment from Valve:

“‘It was the best of times. It was the best of times.’

“So opens Charles Dickens’ feel-good surf classic Super Good Times, and Dickens’ words are as true today as they were at the beach cabana where he wrote them: The best of times, you guys. Let’s have some.”


  1. strangeloup says:

    Tried having a go of this last night, but unfortunately it’s still a giant pain to get through a mission of MvM, let alone an entire tour of duty. Inevitably you’ll have people dropping out, wait around for new people to join, cock it all up half a dozen times, etc. etc. until eventually everyone gives up and goes to play the regular PvP version.

    Which is a shame, because MvM is really rather a lot of fun when it all goes smoothly.

    • welverin says:

      I’ve almost always played with friends, usually two or three, and that really cuts down on this. In the past few weeks I’ve played on my own and it’s actually been difficult just getting into a mission, much less finish one.

      Mann Up mode always went better than Boot Camp, but I haven’t tried that recently.

      • uh20 says:

        yea, except mann up mode better imply you have at least half the party full of friends because it will such when people start leaving there too.

        more often than not, having 2 friends with you tends to stop the mass-quitting, you still have to wait a minute for someone to replace them however.

  2. LionsPhil says:

    It surprises me that someone with Valve’s resources and usual level of care have fallen to re-using speech bites in these videos, like the thousands of fan-made ones on YouTube that can’t wave money at the voice actors.

    • Cross says:

      On the other hand, why throw money at voice actors who aren’t needed?

    • Nevard says:

      While it is partially cost cutting, some of it is because they can’t just throw money at the problem to solve it.
      The voice actors have other jobs! They aren’t just at Valve’s beck and call, which is also why the addition of more lines to characters is fairly uneven. Some of them have barely got any at all since the game’s launch (The Sniper!) because the actor has too many other things to do.

  3. CookPassBabtridge says:

    Ghostbusters copyright infringement lawsuit in 3…2…1… link to geek-news.mtv.com

    • DickSocrates says:

      I hope so, Valve need to be taken down a peg or two. They have gotten too cocky and that always leads to a fall.

  4. trout says:

    i think it’d be great if valve started an animation/comics sub-division which produced stuff on a full time basis – they seem to deliver really solid work

  5. SuicideKing says:

    Jim? What about Jim? Or was the bomb his?

  6. welverin says:

    Nathan you might want to clarify that Snakewater is a regular competitive cp map and not an MvM map.

  7. Kollega says:

    Everyone who wants a game with the art style and class balance of the original TF2, without having to pay real money for guns if you don’t want to wait forever, without all the ancillary bullshit like the endless crates and “unusuals”, and without egregiously unfitting things like all the promotional junk the game has… raise your hands.

    (And don’t say “vanilla servers” – they’re fewer and farther between than trees in my country’s steppes.)

    Also, to expand on that, what I really want to see is a TF2-style cartoonish shooter, but open-world and without any microtransaction bullshit. Something like Just Cause 2, or Saints Row 4, or GTA Online. Now that would be just ace. Maybe Fortnite will be such a game (if it ever gets released).

    • Martel says:

      You can always host your own, although then of course there is cost associated with that.

    • Ernesto25 says:

      *raises hand* yes – i do want the game i paid for !

      • gwathdring says:

        The thing is, a lot of multiplayer games don’t last as robustly as long as TF2 has; the game I paid for would have been dead some time ago if they had not put so much effort into modifying it.

        • Ernesto25 says:

          Ironically the f2p and changes killed about 2 of the groups i played with . Counter strike , No and no it wouldn’t be dead at all. , It died to me when they threw the core mechanics out of the window rather than adding small changes such as leveling up teleporters and new maps. I feel you stick to either pay or f2p don’t change the rules and the game half way through make tf3 not tf2.9999999999. I know alot will disagree but i would even prefer it if the worst case scenario and the game *died * that id have that smaller , friendlier community than the type of people it attracted during the free weekends and the inevitable F2P.

          In the end i felt like tf2 became a glorified survey for what valve can get away with and with the changes to CS.GO i fear for that game as well.

          Less was defintley more, quality over qunatitybe right back looking up more cliches

    • Koozer says:

      From your first sentence I was waiting for a “Boy, do I have the game for you!”

  8. Bahlof says:

    I’m still waiting for the day Valve start working on the Team Fortress tv series. Or at least a feature length film..

  9. The Random One says:

    They added two towns, and didn’t add Downtown Teufort? That’s just disrespectful.

    (If I had any map-making skill I’d problem make the Downtow Teufort map myself. That idea’s just too good to pass up.)

  10. Kinch says:

    Brilliant trailer. FREEEDAAAAHM!!! Hahahahahaha

  11. Gap Gen says:

    Stop, in the name of guns, before you break my guns?

  12. Fattsanta says:

    Hey Nathan, that dress the girl is wearing looks a bit skimpy shouldnt you be bombarding Valve with demands for straighter nicer clothing for the female characters?

    • tormos says:

      don’t you people have something better to do?
      Related question:
      Do you see the hypocrisy of combining “Don’t bring your politics into my games” and then bringing up these politics at every possible turn”?

      • kael13 says:

        To be fair, Valve really should have made female versions of these characters by now.

    • The Random One says:

      These guys are fairly hilarious. They accuse RPS of bringing sexism into everything, then go and point out all of the occasions in which they don’t bring sexism into something, therefore proving their own argument wrong.

      • one2fwee says:

        I think they are more trying to highlight that if they are going to bring things like this up, there needs to be some consistency and the same attitude to everyone.

        When things relate to one of the “gaming media darlings” such as Valve, they (and gaming media in general), seem more than willing to let it slide.
        Whereas, if it is someone smaller or with less of a “goodwill” status within the medium they seem to get stuck in. It seems rather unfair to be honest.

      • Gap Gen says:

        I think it’s supposed to be sarcastic. I’m not saying I agree with the point (obviously I don’t).

    • Dux Ducis Hodiernus says:

      If anything she should probably not be wearing anything at all. That’s my 5 cents. Everybody should be nude. Would make for a better world.

  13. Donners says:

    Good luck playing a tour in a country like Australia. Two hours waiting for a match without result.

    • The Dark One says:

      I found the closest equivalent I had to an Australian on my Friends list (a Kiwi) and asked him how he felt about that situation. He wasn’t too sympathetic, but I’d toss that up to national rivalry more than a general Oceanic hatred of TF2 or MvM.