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Stalin vs Martians vs Common Sense

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

Oh, how simple things were for PC gaming back in 2008. With the indie invasion yet to begin in earnest, a videogame with a funny name and a techno soundtrack grabbed our attention wholesale, rather than made us roll our eyes or utter an ‘oh, you guys.’ Russian-made comedy RTS Stalin vs Martians! It was the best of jokes, it was the worst of jokes. However you might feel about the depiction of the General secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union as a figure of cartoonish fun, it was certainly the worst of games. And now, like warts or that stray cat with bowel troubles that you once took pity on, it’s come back unbidden.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

It’s back as Stalin vs Martains 3, and it’s back via Kickstarter, and that means before I write anything else I want to say WOAH-HO-NO THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST. Fool us once, shame on us. Fool us twice, well, also shame on us.

At least they’re openly fessing up to how awful SvM was. While simultaneously asking for $125,000 to do it again. This is a mixed message if ever there was one.

“The most groundbreaking and innovative feature of Stalin vs. Martians 3 is that we plan not only to turn the concept up to 11, but also… you know… make it fun to play.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

Half of their KS page bangs on about how crap the first game was, in fact:

“The main problem of the first Stalin vs. Martians game (apart from historical accuracy) was actually its budget. You wouldn’t believe how low it was. The most crushing thing was that all of these happened during the crisis of the economy, so the game was rushed for release. You must get us right: making a great strategy game wasn’t our goal from day one. The game is not about that. But releasing a beta-version wasn’t our intention.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

They’re sticking to the line that their real goal is “the whole package. You have main missions and a crazy storyline. Then you have videos. And demented mini-games. And wild music. It is the sum of all parts that matters. A perfect guilty pleasure. A kitsch gaming icon.”

But, somewhere, there’s an RTS in the mix, one they describe as “Battletech meets Desert Strike meets Cannon Fodder meets your mom.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

A similar level of gaggery abounds in their pitch video. Whole lotta eggs in just the one basket here, it seems: essentially, either you laugh with ’em or you walk away entirely.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Take heart, at least, that the techno endures.

They’re also promising a free copy of the original SvM if they hit their funding target. Er, won’t that just put people off pledging?

I will pull this expression for a full day if this hits its preposterously high funding target:

Incidentally, as far as I can establish there wasn’t ever a Stalin vs Martians 2. So they’re making the gag that Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number failed to make.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

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Alec Meer

Senior Editor

Co-founder of RPS. Dungeon Keeper & X-COM 4 Life.

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