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Rambo Is A (Beautifully Mulleted) MACHINE OF WAR

Evil forest cowboys have never been the best strategists.

I’m kind of glad that Rambo: The Video Game is looking painfully generic. I mean, who better to carry the torch of ceaseless neckshank killsplosions than the man we all colloquially associate with the tropedemic anyway? (If you’d asked me a week ago, I would’ve said Michael Bay, but now I want a game where he kills people with crazy handshake-legswing combos.) It’s almost poetic, insofar as something I would consider the opposite of poetry can be poetic. But Rambo: The Video Game’s case of terminal generitis is also kind of a shame, given that the tense nature of the original film could’ve made for a pretty interesting videogame. Oh well, though. At least they totally got the mullet right.

Well, it at least looks like stealth is an option… sometimes. And hey, you’ve got a bow, and there’s climbing. Maybe it’ll be kinda Tomb-Raider-y? Or maybe, completely, absolutely not.

You know what I’d really like? A game about Sylvester Stallone’s insane physical abuse of his own body. Seriously. Even at age Still Shockingly Ripped For Being 67, he insists on performing his own stunts. Most recently, he broke his neck during the filming of the first Expendables, but past performances saw him break, well, pretty much everything else.

He’s a madman, clearly. I would love to play a physics-based game about flinging his creaking carcass into progressively more ridiculous Hollywood machinations. In between stunts, you’d have to manage his recovery, arrange gigs, and research new technology like adamantium skeletons. I would call it Sylvester Stallone Simutilator 2014. Thoughts?

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Nathan Grayson

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