S.EXE: Hot Mods (NSFW)

This week I have been inspired in my work for this column by the magnificent website Critique My Dick Pic, which attempts to rate the erotic quality of dick pics with 100% no size shaming. I enjoy that website because for some reason dicks, especially erect dicks, are conspicuously absent from our media, including videogames, and I think a good dick pic can certainly be arousing to look at.

Probably most interesting about the site is that the curator, moscaddie, suggests that for maximum sexiness the person possessing said dick holds it or at least caresses it a little for the picture, which gives the dick a less… well, melancholy feel like it’s the loneliest snake in the world (she calls these ‘log’ pictures). Perhaps it gives the picture a sense of movement or purpose. Surely with the help of the best animators in the world, games would be the best place to give a dick a little something to do. Or at least get them to cast a cute shadow over exotic environmental art.

So anyway, in the interest of New Schlong Journalism me and a friend downloaded Schlongs of Skyrim, a mod for Skyrim which frankly just makes large fat growable schlongs available on male NPCs. We also made use of the mod ‘Bathing Beefcake Luxury Suite’, a mod inserting a Skyrim beefcake spa near Whiterun, to make it easier to view tadgers with ease.

Re: RPS policy on this I suddenly panicked about the amount of dongs that would be visible in the screenshots.

hello graham
i am having another problem with dongs
in that
i have downloaded Schlongs of Skyrim
and all the pictures are very graphic
so

You can choose from three different types of schlong in the settings page (as if those types were the only types), ‘average’ (which I think in the illustration pic moscaddie would go for: it’s black and white and sorta arty-lookin’), ‘regular’ (in which the penis is shown erect – hurray) and ‘muscular’ (which made the erection in the picture have a more pronounced bulk near the base of the shaft). In the end I went with ‘regular’, although I don’t really know what that says about me. Perhaps I am just terrified by dongs that are either big or sad. I don’t know. Perhaps I am just an advocate for all those dicks who fear that they are regular, but with attention and care, they can become heroes.

A pop up loads: “Outfits and armour successfully schlongified’. Great.

I used my friend Alice’s Skyrim account to install schlong mods on it (ha!), so her character, a tall, thin, sinewy woman with a punk haircut enters the Luxury Suite near Whiterun. She steps into the spa pools of the hut, which resembles a Norwegian spa I once felt uncomfortable in. Beefcake men are sunning themselves on the patio with expressions like burly plumbers who have been asked a perplexing maths question. With her cloak on, Alice’s character looks a lot like a kind of shady schlong investigator, a sort of meat spear ombudsman, or perhaps someone who is on the Board of Dick Certification (yuuuup, that’s a dick, etc). Anyway, to blend in with the herd of dudes with their shirts off, our character gets entirely naked, as one would.

They do not seem interested in us. This is good. We are undercover.

To see Full Schlong, one must entice the beefcake carefully into or near the water. What then happens is their trousers pop off, then their underwear appears, and then half a second later a giant schlong will flibble out. The dicks are fully physics enabled! There’s proper flibble and everything! A flibble AND wibble! On a scale of flibble from 0 to Flibble Flopple I would say Flibble and Flopple and Flopple Flibs. They seem to also have quite a bit of pendulus weight to them, so this mod maker obviously spent a lot of time fine-tuning these curious dongs.

You can engage beefcakes in conversation, and tell them that you ‘have trouble controlling yourself when they are naked’, which immediately results with them whipping their clothes off and the flibble happening again.

We decided to make the journey to Riverwood’s most prestigious outlet of boner potions, a shop called ‘Morning Wood’, to buy an assortment of things to give the inhabitants of Luxury Suite. We ran all the way there entirely naked because in our excitement we forgot to put any clothes on. The shopkeeper, one Bjorn Longsword, commented that we should probably feel a bit chilly. We bought everything Bjorn had to offer; most concocktions claimed to have schlong size greatly increase after imbibement.

Running back through the doors of Luxury Suite with the day’s phallus tinctures, we were all set to get out on the sunny patio and begin commanding dicks resize like something out of porn Fantasia, when a blood dragon flew over to the patio and blasted us with fire. RUINING our idyllic dickfield of docile floppy beefcakes, disrupting our dong assessments, and scattering the subjects’ dongles flibbling. Running towards it with a bow we shouted ‘GET AWAY FROM THE BEEFCAKES!’ quite angrily as the beefcakes panicked and scattered, and we shot the dragon to death. Happily, it gave us an item called Essence of the Dragon, which magically increases the size of someone’s bits.We spent the next half hour enticing the beefcakes back into the house and plying them with potions that made their junk size suddenly increase like angry sea cucumbers, or pressing page up or page down to make the dongs erect or not erect, which I guess is one of the benefits of being in a world with potent magicks. One guy went into stealth mode with a massive erection and started following us around the house in a squat position that looked increasingly as painful as it did humorous.

We tried our ‘hand’ at a dick pic, but the lighting was too stark, the dick wasn’t erect, and frankly our character looked disinterested. I think it was overexposure to cocks that put her off.

All in all, Schlongs of Skyrim was less arousing than just putting on a remix of Jeff Goldblum’s laugh from Jurassic Park.

Well, most things are less arousing than that, to be fair.

Alice stated after reading this, ‘That’s good and terrifying and I’m sorry I had a part in it.’

Here is me and Alice playing Naked Dark Souls and debating whether the thrill of a naked patch is the promise of sexiness, or whether it is really just the transgression of taboos itself that is the point of a naked patch.

Watch live video from asponge on TwitchTV

Good day, S.EXE lovers. See you next fortnight.

295 Comments

  1. Kefren says:

    Great article, it made me laugh. But question: can you stir soup with the schlongs?
    Also, it reminds me of this Flight of the Conchords song: link to youtube.com

  2. obvioustroll says:

    What a load of dick, I am done with this site. Been visiting for the past god only knows how many years.

    And don’t get me on sexism nonsense, if this was female based I would be similarly pissed off. I’m sick of random tits being thrown into games, movies, tv etc, now I have to put up with cocks too? Seriously, I am out.

    I expect this comment to be deleted, like they normally do.

  3. Laurentius says:

    I have not play Skyrim in ages but textures look really horrible (probably worse then on consoles ) on these screens. I’d suggest downloading some texture packs or mods that made Skyrim looks better. Not saying it automaticly has to be DET quality but please…

  4. drewdupe says:

    Cara, that article was awesome. Are you only doing the s.exe column now? Because they need to have you write more than just the one thing. And please do more streams with Alice.

  5. Frantics says:

    wtf…

    fuck this. fuck all y’all sucking up to this. you enjoy the fact men find this disgusting and you made them look at this? jesus. people sure are tops. did not need to see the top picture here… not looking at any more. there’s dicks there tho? argh wtf. at least have some tits if RPS is turning into some kind of feminist Nuts magazine knock off. it isn’t sexist to think naked men are far more disgusting than women that’s stupid overdone feminist rubbish. the beauty of the male form is something some disgusting old nonce greeks made up and is a lie that makes me feel sick saying it. blind equality isn’t equality at all. women are beautiful, men aren’t. how is that so hard to see. Funny, feminists I’ve encountered out in the wild tend to go crazy (ahh uni) at the drop of a hat or any mild joke about women and yet they can foist this on men… makes you long for the days of old tbh. six of the best, a wife you could rape, darkies all in line, the raj… when the world made sense. :>

    women tend to care far less about naked women then men about naked men. argue what fake equality shit you like but that’s a fact. thank christ for end button. where’s andy capp when u need him.

    • Sheng-ji says:

      It is sexist however to rant that you saw a penis but get pissy if a female dares mention that she doesn’t like seeing tits everywhere.

      It’s curious however, it was clear what this article was… no one made you read it… me thinks perhaps you object too much? Are you a little uncomfortable with some of the thoughts in your head right now?

    • TWChristine says:

      I can’t tell if you’re trolling, trying to make a point, just very badly, or whether you have some serious issues you need to work through. I’m guessing a mix of 1 and 3.

    • Gap Gen says:

      Haha holy shit dude.

    • psepho says:

      Interestingly, your first four verbs are ‘fuck’, ‘fuck’, ‘suck’ and ‘enjoy’. An unusual subliminal reaction to schlonged-up beefcake. You have a bit of hard thinking to do, my friend.

  6. derbefrier says:

    Its a sad day when the internet cant laugh at a dick joke. Come on people it even has Jeff Goldblum this was pure comedy!

  7. hideinlight says:

    Rock, Paper, Dick

    • jrodman says:

      Hmm, sounds fun but I think all the unzipping would give it away.

      • LionsPhil says:

        Nah, (Western) society has already solidified on the middle finger as the symbolic erect penis of the hand.

        I don’t know how it really works against the other two, but at least it doesn’t have to go up against Scissors.

        • c-Row says:

          I am pretty sure rock beats dick.

          • TWChristine says:

            What happens when you add Lizard and Spock? Personally I think Spock should defeat dick, but really we should be replacing Spock with Takei in that case.

          • c-Row says:

            Not sure about paper and scissors, but I am sure Takei beats the lizard every now and then.

    • Janek says:

      Cock Paper Shotgun, surely?

  8. Trespasser in the Stereo Field says:

    Wow, what a surprise. Another article by Cara Ellison where she talks about sex nonstop.

    • RobF says:

      It’d be a bit weird to write a column on sex in games without talking about sex in games, yeah?

      • c-Row says:

        That would be like a video game press release that doesn’t talk about the game. Could you imagine?

  9. Josh W says:

    Somewhere in the middle, interesting topics!

    About sexualisation, I think I agree, I used to find tomb raider really awkward to play because when you were trying to shoot things, the camera was aimed as if you were trying to shoot her. I think that’s partly just because cameras were done really badly in those days (I think it maybe took until 2006 or something for us to have good third person cameras), but yeah, it did focus weirdly.

    I think another consideration with over the shoulder focus is less about symbolism of power, but that it just lets you see more over their heads! Like if you think about the old jedi knight games, there was always something slightly wrong about them, but by focusing on the top of the head you were able to see a lot more. Dark soul’s more grounded camera works a bit more naturally, but you do start to rely on your vision’s ability to fill in the space in front of the character. There’s some super-hexagon like peripheral vision stuff going on there.

    Also, on broader sexualisation I normally avoid TV adverts like the plague, (dvds and streaming services mostly) so I tend to get surprised by slower trends, and there’s seriously so much more sexualisation in adverts now. They seem to have given up on the old tack of making men’s cosmetic adverts, although they still do the sexy perfume men thing, but most of it now happens randomly, or is in almost 50s housewife “wow thanks darling, what an excellent purchase you made for me” mixed with more sexualisation. Do this stuff and you’ll be more sexy. It’s weird!

    I reckon sexualisation’s sort of like carbon dioxide; we want a bit of it, but if everyone does it, we have too much global warming… Well, more accurately if everyone’s trying to have the sexy game or the sexy advert, they can get a bit of advantage for it, but it sort of dilutes the quality for everyone else, and leads to weird social things.

    By this analogy, the best solution is a “sexiness allowance trading scheme”; each person is allowed a certain amount of sexiness in your creations, but you can sell sexiness to other people. If your work is more sexy than the allowed limit, as agreed by a broadly defined panel, you will be fined, and that money will be used to buy sexiness permits next year, thus keeping everything in only moderately objectifying equilibrium.

    I sort of drifted from sexualisation to sexiness there, and in practice I think you could do a lot to dodge the rules by having things that were still attractive but not obviously sexualised, thus cheating my otherwise foolproof system.

  10. P-Dazzle says:

    A girl writing about penises and erections and naked men is cool.
    A man writing about boobs, vaginas and naked women is a sexist misogynist that should burn in hell.
    Weird.

  11. weary ghoul says:

    No one else has noticed the dagger sheathed directly into that naked man’s thigh? It’s horrifying. Someone get him a doctor!

  12. cays says:

    Dear Cara, you forgot to tell us the most interesting stuff!

    Did you masturbate while playing this?

    Was it exciting enough for you to reach orgasm?

  13. Scumbag says:

    This reminds me of PC Zone: LOOK AT THE STEVE HILLS ON THAT!

  14. Shieldmaiden says:

    I’m assuming that everyone complaining about RPS’ double standard has in fact been in touch with the hivemind about writing a comedic article about badly done boobs in games and has been turned down specifically because it was deemed sexist.

    Because otherwise it’s a totally ridiculous assertion based on a flimsy, apples to oranges comparison that holds up as well as a chocolate teapot and no-one would do something like that.

    • HadToLogin says:

      Well, I remember badly done boobs for Dead Island Riptide that caused long article about evil developers/publishers because those were sexist.

      I guess most think mod about dicks would generate similar article, not something completely opposite.

      • tormos says:

        Because comparing a silly badly done mod by a third party to a promotional item sold by the developer that was a dismembered female torso (and which said developer suggested you put on your mantlepiece) is of course not the apples and oranges of which Shieldmaiden speaks

  15. JamesTheNumberless says:

    Maybe one day we’ll see games develop to the point where you can actually talk to the penises.

  16. MellowKrogoth says:

    I’m all for the progress of accurate body part physics on both sexes!

  17. klmx says:

    grumble grumble grumble So mad Cara makes fun of my crowny bits grumble grumble grumble

  18. geldonyetich says:

    Judging by my experiences in a short visit to an erotic Skyrim modding website, I’d say these mods are actually pretty tasteful, as far as modifying porn into Skyrim goes. At least none of the men were being raped against their will or restrained in sex dungeons, complete with functioning iron maidens.