Go(at) Figure: Goat Simulator Update To Add Parkour


FINALLY. As I discovered while horsing goating around for all the world to see, Goat Simulator has literally everything one could possibly conceive of throwing into a videogame. Between its quiet, moving narrative, masterfully measured pacing, tasteful use of whaling sections, allegorical nods to both Shakespeare’s entire career and his greatest lost work, The Fifth Element, and 42 hour roadtripping-through-middle-America-with-Oscar-Wilde sequence, it more or less coveredĀ every possible base. Except, well… parkour. It didn’t have any. Thus, I was forced to downgrade it from “videogame” to “Citizen Kane.” Soon, however, that’s going to change in a big way.

Developer Coffee Stain Studios posted a quick teaser to Facebook, and yep, that sure is a goat doing parkour. Graze onĀ that, Titanfall.

Goat parkour will be coming in patch 1.1, which is coming in May. It’ll also include a new map roughly the same size as Goat Simulatron The First and split-screen multiplayer.

All of that will be totally free, because a) it’s “nice,” as Coffee Stain said in this excellent Gamasutra post, and b) it actually makes a lot of financial sense, as Coffee Stain said in the same Gamasutra post, like, two sentences later.

So there you have it. Free goat parkour. Truly, the best things in life are goat.


  1. altum videtur says:

    I never asked for this.

  2. blobb says:

    I love how this game isn’t fun at all.

  3. DrollRemark says:

    It’s essentially gaming’s version of slapstick comedy. Not everybody likes slapstick, but plenty of people find it hilarious too.

    All this “it’s the pinnacle of the downfall of society” hand-wringing is more than a little hyperbolic.

    • Squirly says:

      Exactly. That would be the Doritos Locos Taco.

    • PoLLeNSKi says:

      I just heard Chaplin and Keaton turn in their graves.

      This isn’t at the same level of slapstick, more like prop comedy… they’ve basically turned an animated goat into the rubber chicken of the 21st century

      • jonahcutter says:

        I’d say Goat Simulator is slapstick, but in the vein of The Three Stooges. Essentially, variations on the single joke of inflicting violence/pain. Keaton and Chaplin have far more creativity and elegance, but the Stooges have their simpler place and are still beloved in it (although they are simply tedious without Curly).

        If I were to stretch the comparison (perhaps far beyond the breaking point) for sandbox games of destruction: Goat Simulator is The Three Stooges, whilst Just Cause 2 and Red Faction: Guerrilla are Chaplin and Keaton.

    • Vodka, Crisps, Plutonium says:

      Oh, sure. Goat sim is as equivalent of gaming slapstick, as a popular youtube person is the gaming’s classic comedian.

    • Michael Fogg says:

      Maybe not the downfall of society, but the game is youtuber/streamer-bait, meaning it’s not really meant for players at all. All it hopes to be is a “viral” hit. That IMO represtents a genuinely new low for gaming.

    • aerozol says:

      Oh no, people are enjoying something I don’t! It’s THE WORST! Let’s rush to let them know!

  4. rikvanoostende says:

    OK, it’s a bit boering, but you kids really goat to complain? It’s only a couple of bucks. Can’t we all be a bit Kinder?

  5. Darth Gangrel says:

    This is nice, but I prefer to practice parkour IRL, because I’m just that cool. I’m a master of getting over individual waist-high obstacles that are not too close together.

    • rikvanoostende says:

      If I encounter a few waist-high obstacles in real life, I suddenly get very alert and feel the urge to check my imaginary ammo and reload my imaginary gun.

      • Urthman says:

        Nothing gives me that feeling of safety and security like crouching next to a waist-high wall. I can just feel my strength and energy being renewed.

  6. zind says:

    OBJECTION! I have yet to discover grappling hooks. A usable parachute would be a nice touch too, but the passive hang-glider is close enough for that count.

  7. jonfitt says:

    It really was in need of some shadowing there. I couldn’t tell from the teaser if the goat was gliding along the ground or just above it.
    Flying above it, now that was clear.

    Just looking at the Steam store page there appears to be shadows there, hmm.

    Looks amusing for a Newgrounds game. Not really something that I’d pay money for though.

  8. Shadowcat says:

    Nathan, how could you possibly forget the classic Xanadu parkour scene in Citizen Kane?

  9. blade1998x says:

    so, wait… i downloaded it free, can i still get the parkour, because usually when you download something free from pirate bay like borderlands, you cant go to the achievements or i think go online from what i remember…