Stop Licking Yourself: Realistic Kissing Simulator

Remember that one scene from Lady and the Tramp and how it was exactly like this

I know, I know. I’m as tired as you are of everything being called “_______ Simulator” for faint, distant echoes of a chuckle, but the formula has produced some admirably silly games. Sure, pretty much every variation on the theme – even Goat Simulator and Surgeon Simulator – is just a long one-note joke, but I’m all for comedy being the main point of our actions in a game. I don’t think that territory has been explored enough. It’s one thing to read or hear funny dialogue. It’s something else entirely for a game to let players create and own gags through their decisions and mistakes. All that in mind, you probably won’t be surprised to find out that Realistic Kissing Simulator isn’t very realistic at all.

Realistic Kissing Simulator is a quick local multiplayer game in which both players manipulate faces. Or tongues, really. Then you just kinda extend and retract your unpredictable mouth appendage as you see fit. It lolls and flops awkwardly, because as we all know humans have no real control over their tongues, mouths, or eyes.

There’s no competition to it. First both players agree to kiss (consent is important!) and then you just kinda, er, probe each other until you’re both satisfied. Silliness abounds. If you lick each others’ eyes, your strange, never-quite-comfortable face avatars look especially distraught – but less like angry people and more like a cat who’s being pet the wrong way and is feeling too lazy to do anything about it.

Lip flaps bend strangely, tongues wriggle and bob like morbidly obese worms, and good times are had by all. My girlfriend and I played it together and agreed that it is incontrovertibly better than regular kissing, which presents a limited, bland palette of possibilities by comparison. I managed to use my tongue to push her tongue into her own eye while repeatedly saying, “Stop licking yourself!” It was grand. Then I asked her to lick my eye in real life and now I’m all alone.

The game is mostly an exercise in giggle-inducing antics, but I think it also captures how wonderfully weird physical intimacy with another human being can be. Sometimes what you thought might be sexy ends up laughable or awkward or gross. But that’s the fun of it. You remember those moments later, and you laugh. Together.

Realistic Kissing Simulator is 100 percent free, and you can check it out here.


  1. Drake Sigar says:

    I’m going to french kiss your eye sockets SO hard.

  2. tormos says:

    I’ve always said that any good hookup is at least partly humorous in nature. I guess this proves my point? (maybe not)

    • pepperfez says:

      And an accurate description of that hookup is almost entirely humourous in nature, so this is spot-on.

  3. SomeDuder says:

    I just saw Prometheus, it’s oddly simillar.

  4. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    It may be a two-player game, but it’s also fun to play it on your own!

  5. JohnnyPanzer says:

    Me and my wife have two small children. This means that we haven’t been able to find the time, or energy, for more than a quick hug for months, yet somehow we managed to squeeze in a solid two hours of this game.

    I’m not sure what that says about us, but it sure was fun.

    • spiderfrog93 says:

      I have 2 kids, 2yrs and a 9 month old, how do you not have free time still?

      • JohnnyPanzer says:

        To be honest, I was hyperboling a bit. But much more than a quick hug is often out of the question.

        The day starts at 04:30 and allthough the older boy is at kindergarten between 09:00 and 13:00, the younger girl is very, very, very active and pukes easily so it’s hard to get her to gain weight. Doctors have looked at her and thinks she’s perfectly healthy, but child services claims she’s “below the graph” and have threatened to get social services involved if she doesn’t gain weight, regardless of what the doctors say. They have this BMI chart and it’s all they care about. So most of the day is spent either feeding her untill she projectile vomits and cries (which we don’t want to do), or feed her like a normal, healthy child and then sit in meetings with child services, trying to convince them we’re not deliberatly starving her.

        After 13:00 one of us will keep focusing on the girl while the other plays with the boy, feeds him, reads to him, takes him to the park and makes sure he’s happy. The girl falls asleep at about 18:00 and at 19:30 I begin the bedtime proccess for the boy while my wife cleans up most of the apartment. At about 21:00 he finally falls asleep and then I can do the dishes while my wife starts working (she’s a translator). I study full time, and this takes place between about 21:30 and however long I’m able to stay awake. Then at 04:30 we begin a new day…

  6. Premium User Badge

    kfix says:

    This has the taste of an instant classic.

  7. sabasNL says:

    I thought Farm Simulator 2013 was hilarious. When I met the German developers at GamesCom, they weren’t too pleased to hear that…

  8. Stardreamer says:

    I know, I know. I’m as tired as you are of everything being called “_______ Simulator” for faint, distant echoes of a chuckle

    Nathan, I don’t think I’ll ever tire of games ending with “simulator”. Advanced Lawnmower Simulator was perhaps the very first big gamer joke/meme (or certainly one of the first I was ever exposed to), a sparkling piece of magic that we can probably look back to as the distant ancestor of these modern games, goats and all. Long may it continue!

    • Gap Gen says:

      “Original price £14.95”

      And people say Goat Simulator is a cash grab.

  9. trollomat says:

    My first thought on the picture was “pretty cool monster”, then I realized the eyes belong to two different… people.

  10. Behrditz says:

    *japanese porn kissing simulator.

  11. Kojyr says:

    This game made me notice my laptop keyboard does not register 4 keys pressed at once if A or S are involved : /

  12. curiousepic says:

    Is THIS Frog Fractions 2?