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Stop Licking Yourself: Realistic Kissing Simulator

Remember that one scene from Lady and the Tramp and how it was exactly like this

I know, I know. I’m as tired as you are of everything being called “_______ Simulator” for faint, distant echoes of a chuckle, but the formula has produced some admirably silly games. Sure, pretty much every variation on the theme – even Goat Simulator and Surgeon Simulator – is just a long one-note joke, but I’m all for comedy being the main point of our actions in a game. I don’t think that territory has been explored enough. It’s one thing to read or hear funny dialogue. It’s something else entirely for a game to let players create and own gags through their decisions and mistakes. All that in mind, you probably won’t be surprised to find out that Realistic Kissing Simulator isn’t very realistic at all.

Realistic Kissing Simulator is a quick local multiplayer game in which both players manipulate faces. Or tongues, really. Then you just kinda extend and retract your unpredictable mouth appendage as you see fit. It lolls and flops awkwardly, because as we all know humans have no real control over their tongues, mouths, or eyes.

There’s no competition to it. First both players agree to kiss (consent is important!) and then you just kinda, er, probe each other until you’re both satisfied. Silliness abounds. If you lick each others’ eyes, your strange, never-quite-comfortable face avatars look especially distraught – but less like angry people and more like a cat who’s being pet the wrong way and is feeling too lazy to do anything about it.

Lip flaps bend strangely, tongues wriggle and bob like morbidly obese worms, and good times are had by all. My girlfriend and I played it together and agreed that it is incontrovertibly better than regular kissing, which presents a limited, bland palette of possibilities by comparison. I managed to use my tongue to push her tongue into her own eye while repeatedly saying, “Stop licking yourself!” It was grand. Then I asked her to lick my eye in real life and now I’m all alone.

The game is mostly an exercise in giggle-inducing antics, but I think it also captures how wonderfully weird physical intimacy with another human being can be. Sometimes what you thought might be sexy ends up laughable or awkward or gross. But that’s the fun of it. You remember those moments later, and you laugh. Together.

Realistic Kissing Simulator is 100 percent free, and you can check it out here.

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Nathan Grayson

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