FIFA 15 Gets E3 2014 Trailer, Is Balls

FIFA 15 is a game that I will definitely play. The latest entry in EA’s endless foot-to-ball series will bring the PC version in-line with the next-gen console releases, finally giving us the new physics and graphics engine that console players received last year. It’ll also bring one of E3’s most hyperbolic trailers, which is embedded below alongside a thousand whiny complaints from me.

Two things. Thing one: that is one of the most hyperbolic E3 trailers I’ve ever seen. Here are some quotes:

  • “Football is the greatest drama on earth.”
  • “These leading men take the ball, take the man, and take their place as legends.”
  • “Our heroes run through walls to ignite our imagination.”
  • “One magic moment lives in our hearts forever.”
  • “We live for these moments. We ARE these moments. This is more than a game. This is football.”

Football is no longer a game, I take it.

Thing two: before this dramatic video played, an EA Sports developer outlined some the new features to be included in this new iteration. There was a long list of little details pulled out as extra footage played behind him, but the big hitters were exactly the kind of thing I guessed they would be; i.e. capitalised names given to redundant additions (“Emotional Intelligence” and “Living Pitch”) or slight revisions of existing features (“Agility & Control” and “Man to Man Battles”).

How are Man-to-Man Battles different from the way that FIFA 13’s “second generation of the Player Impact Engine expands physical play from just collissions to off-the-ball battles between players”? How are FIFA 15’s “Agility & Control” ‘biomechanics’ any different from the claims of FIFA 13’s “Complete Dribbling” (both quotes from this press release)? Isn’t Emotional Intelligence’s goal that we experience the “personalities of the world’s best football players” really just an extension of FIFA 11’s Personality+?

Of course a yearly iteration of a sports series is only ever going to iterate on the previous year, but I object firstly to generalities and patch notes being dressed up as “new” (used 11 times in the FIFA 15 press release) and object secondly to being asked to pay (pre-orders are open now but I’m not linking them) for something so meager in ambition.


  1. trueplayer says:

    For me, the best part was when the presenter was hyping ‘animated field corner flags’.

    I mean, come on.

    On another note – watching E3 is hilarious, so far there has been absolutely nothing that interests me.

    • BobbyDylan says:

      Witcher 3. Mass effect tugs at something deep down, so I’ll watch that with skeptical interest. That’s all.

    • Skeletor68 says:

      No Man’s Sky

    • Kubrick Stare Nun says:

      Doom 4, Mortal Kombat X, Far Cry 4, Magicka 2, Grim Fandango remake, Ori and the Blind Forest, and motherfucking GTA 5 on PC.

  2. Bravado says:

    If certain game is coming annually, you can be damn sure the franchise will be lame. Unfortunately, it seems these types of games (Fifa, Cod, AC) are the ones people buy most.

    • Darth Gangrel says:

      I’ve read from other people that sports games sell so well, because so many people around the world give a damn about football. I also read that it’s fun to play with others, which I as a singleplayer-only gamer lonewolf never could have realized was part of the huge sales numbers for these annual games. The same people might not buy it every year, but every other year and that is enough to make the companies want to do more games.

    • Grygus says:

      I can explain the entire appeal, and as a gamer you will understand it.

      You know how your favorite game is not quite flawless? There are just a few things you would tweak or change, maybe you already mod some of them but there is always that one thing that’s hard-coded, and sometimes mods are a little bit hacky or a pain to keep updated and you wish it was a vanilla fix? Now imagine that your favorite game comes out and they’ve fixed that thing, they’ve tweaked some stuff, and maybe they’ve even added some small mechanic that sounds non-ruinous and neat.

      So you buy it, and it does not disappoint; it is better, and you don’t play the old version anymore. But it’s still not quite flawless.

      That’s why people keep buying sports games every year. It looks like they’re buying the exact same thing, but in reality they’re chasing perfection.

      • Ztox says:

        Well said, very well said.

        Can not bloody wait for this! I played the XBone version of FIFA 14 and while the extra bits were nice, the game suffered laughable stuttering on goal kicks/free kicks. This made, for me at least, the PC version the better, more enjoyable game.

        Safe to say the PC version of this will blow the “Next-Gen” versions out of the water.

  3. P.Funk says:

    The NHL series manages to iterate without pretending its reinventing the wheel. Its actually nice to see its progress every year. Kind of the model of how yearly iterative sports games should work.

  4. amateurviking says:


  5. Drake Sigar says:

    I think someone stumbled in the hall and got the Lord of the RIngs music mixed up with the music for FIFA 15.

  6. Thermal Ions says:

    So for we illiterate convicts, I take it “Balls” is bad? Is that the same as “Pants”, or are they good?*

    * Apart from the obvious goodness in avoiding a charge of indecent exposure.

    • DrScuttles says:

      Balls, being the dangling and terrible symbols of the patriarchy that they are, have come to represent a profound and slightly angry exclamation of disappointment.
      Like when you go to the ice cream man and he’s all out of mint Feasts.

      • Thermal Ions says:

        Thanks for clarifying, except then I had to go and google what a mint Feast was – it never ends.

  7. Rodafowa says:

    Yeah, I’m just going to leave this here:

  8. ghling says:

    So, still no release date?

  9. Gothnak says:

    Is defending going to be something other than ‘hold down the press button’?

    I still prefer the defending in Sensi Soccer, i knew how to do it right, and what would happen if i did it wrong. If i press ‘sliding tackle’ nowadays and know i may as well press ‘get yellow card’ button.

  10. jezcentral says:

    I think Ibrahimovic used a no-clip cheat to beat the goalie.

  11. dsch says:

    Wow, hairy belly guy.

  12. Spider Jerusalem says:

    <3 idris elba