The Risen 3 Report, Day 2: Voodoo Matt Berry

The good news is that I do now have Risen 3 working on my games PC, and I only had to disable half of the cores in my processor to do it. The bad news is that the events of this second part of the diary were played on crappy laptop integrated graphics before I’d found the fix, so the ugly screenshots will once again destroy your will to live. All will be visually well from part 3 onwards, however.

Part 1 of this series is here, and the Risen 1 Report is here. Plot spoilers in this one, btw.

My freedom did not last. Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty – I’m not sure yet if I’m Selma or Marge – is back at my heels, scoffing and bragging and bellowing impolite assertions about the parentage of passing monkeys, and I’ve got a terrible dilemma on my hands.


That dilemma is that I’ve run out of things to do other than head off on the quest that Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty wants me to go on. The last thing in the world I want to do is a favour for this most appalling of siblings, but other than sunbathe or get messed up on rum that I’m probably going to need later on, I’m out of options.

Okay. Okay. Maybe if I do what she asks, Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty will stop being ghastly to me and to those poor monkeys. Maybe she’ll even put on a damn jumper. We head off down the Path Of Destiny – in fact a small sandy trail guarded by a couple of genuinely ferocious and therefore perhaps slightly bastardly monkeys – and there’s a temple and a big lizard and a tree I have to push over to form a bridge, and that kind of thing.

Clearly, Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty doesn’t help as I strain to topple the massive old tree. She also claims not to have noticed anything when a Ghost Pirate appears before us, plain as the nose on her nightmarish frozen clown face, and implies I’m being weird. Come on, Patty, we all know you saw him too. Nothing is gained by denying a legitimate supernatural occurrence purely to humiliate your brother, especially when there isn’t anyone else around to hear you do so. Oh no, wait, there’s another monkey. I’m sure he thought I was right prat, right before we stabbed him to death. I shot him a bit too, just to make sure he couldn’t tell his hairy friends.

Standard pirate adventure stuff follows. We find a corpse with a treasure map. We go into a temple. We find some treasure. It’s a suspiciously large amount of treasure – 1080 gold coins – which immediately has me worried I won’t get to keep it. People don’t tend to strike it filthy rich right at the very start of an adventure, you know. Even the best case scenario is that Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty will demand half of it, despite my having done all the legwork. Anyway, we fight some naked rats and some dessicated zombie things, then Patty stubbornly refuses to accompany me as I explore another part of the temple rather than head straight for the exit, because for some reason she’s now decided that lost treasure isn’t very interesting.

We find another temple. We fight some pirates, we fight some rats, we fight some dessicated zombie things, we lower a drawbridge so we reach yet another temple. Honestly, it’s a little dull, it seems arbitrarily murderous, and the only good thing to come out of it is that I find a nice earring which makes me a little more charismatic. I try to make Patty wear it, but no luck there. She probably needs to wear at least 75 of them in order to solve her Truly Awful Person problem anyway, and as far as I’m aware, I am not a qualified ear-piercer.

Then this happens:

Actually, these ill-tempered Ghostbusters cast-offs aren’t particularly tough. But then this happens:

Unfortunately, she isn’t dead. Then this happens:

Unfortunately, I am dead. Well, gee, thanks, Patty. You actually got me killed. Presumably you’re over the moon now?

Oh, wait, she’s crying over my grave. I think those are tears, anyway. The eyes are like jet-black abysses and are bone-dry, but she’s making the sort of noise that someone grieving would, plus she’s made the effort to stick some boulders on top of my corpse.

Well, her apparent distress is somewhat unexpected given how badly she’s treated me until now, but it does at least backup my A Wee Bit Incesty / Negging theory. Whatever her true motivations, she buggers off and sets ship for who knows where after a few (crocodile, surely) tears, and I’d be jumping for joy if only I wasn’t dead.

To be honest, I’m not buying this whole I Am Dead business for one second. Although I do have a brief moment of overwhelming fear that I will somehow continue this adventure as Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty. But no, sure enough, after a few moments Basil Plot Device wanders up to get things back on track.

I am resurrected, although there are some alarming references to a missing soul, and I have a new friend. His brief spot of deus ex machinery completed, he is Basil Plot Device no longer, he is now Voodoo Matt Berry. Pray prepare yourself for what you are about to witness:

There can be no doubt. This is he.

Voodoo Matt Berry, you might sound like an out-of-work Thespian half-cut on tramp juice, and I suspect that listening to you will stop being hilarious and start being unbearable within about 219 seconds, but because your voice and your face seem to belong to two completely different people, I already like you a whole lot more than Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty. You shall be my Amazing Adventures Buddy! So, er, where we going? Oh, right. Only to find my lost soul. That’s great and everything, but do you mind if we go shopping first? I’ve got pockets full of rat meat and half a dozen rubbish swords to get rid of, you see.

Suddenly, I realise something. Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty is gone. Death is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

More to follow.

28 Comments

  1. Moni says:

    That voice actor is my new favouratist since that Flashback awesome sauce guy.

  2. tumbleworld says:

    I’d have really loved to be in on that voice recording session. “No love, emphasise every syllable. More bombast, sweetie, more bombast! Don’t you remember Belcitane from White Knight Chronicles? Ah, perfect!”

    • Simes says:

      I find myself wondering if the vocal booth doubled as a toilet. He sounds a bit like he’s straining.

    • Horg says:

      ”Enunciation….is the mark of a good actor, and when you enunciate…..you spit!”

      – Gary Oldman

    • Jackablade says:

      He sounds like one of the alien guys from Galaxy Quest finally worked out what acting was and gave it a try.

  3. Ross Angus says:

    Lady Ga-Ga.

  4. YogSo says:

    Plot spoilers in this one, btw.

    My freedom did not last. Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty

    And that’s where I’ve had to stop reading. I’m currently playing (and enjoying immensely) the first Risen. There’s a character there, Patty, who is the daughter of a famous pirate, Captain Steelbeard. Knowing that the second game in the series was pirate-themed, I was half expecting her – and her father, if he’s not dead – to become a recurring character of certain importance but, if that Patty in Risen 3 is the same person, not only has she changed quite a bit since the first game, but now she’s the sister of the protagonist?? Does that mean that he’s not the same guy from the first game, or is there an out-of-nowhere plot-twist waiting for me at the end of the game/beginning of Risen 2?

    • Jackablade says:

      At least her dress sense hasn’t gotten any worse.

      • RedViv says:

        Risen 2 had a far better look for her. Not porny with the same bloody kind of corset any designer too lazy to research any sort of lady clothing of Ye Olden Days gives them, and also not… whatever it is that female characters in previous Piranha games were.

        • K_Sezegedin says:

          Yeah the Risen 2 look is just slutty pirate, – The Risen 3 look starts at slutty pirate then goes plaid.

          As for the Risen 1 look, – I don’t….even know what that was. Jerkin torture was involved.

    • Alec Meer says:

      I can’t remember a damned thing about Risen 2’s story so can’t enlighten you there, I’m afraid.

      However, I would say that if you’re even slightly expecting to be invested in the plot for any Risen game, you’re setting yourself up for a big disappointment. It’s flailing gibberish throughout, and while they do feature recurring characters, each game essentially presses the reset button right near the start anyway.

      When these games excel, it’s for player-driven reasons, not narrative ones in any sense, I can promise you.

      • Premium User Badge

        Ninja Dodo says:

        Gothic 1 actually had a surprisingly engaging story with a novel well-realized setting and some interesting twists and turns, but Gothic 2’s larger plot was utter nonsense (undead apocalypse dragons or something), even if the smaller stories of individual places and characters worked well enough. Piranha’s narrative efforts have not improved since, it seems.

    • Kodeen says:

      Risen 3 does indeed have a new protagonist.

    • DarkSaber2k says:

      Literally the SECOND HALF of that sentence goes “I’m not sure yet if I’m Selma or Marge” It’s a Simpsons refrence not a spoiler for the previous RIsens.

      • Premium User Badge

        Phasma Felis says:

        No, the character’s name is actually Patty. The Simpsons joke is based on her name, not the other way around.

  5. lorddon says:

    That Matt Berry impression is just uncanny. Spot on calling that one, Alec.

  6. majormajor says:

    naked rats? thats just unacceptable!

  7. Turkey says:

    Nothing would make me happier than if From Software had a random announcement where they announced Matt Berry as a voice actor for their next game like they did with Peter Serafinowicz for DS2.

  8. All is Well says:

    These reports are really funny, Alec. Given that the Risen games seem filled with material, I’m hoping there’ll be lots more! Or at least five-ish. Seems like a good number.

    (Just thought I should give a positive response since I enjoyed the article. Why do I feel like I have to explain myself for saying something trivial but nice?)

  9. bstard says:

    Funny how crap can be the source for nice articles.

  10. piesmagicos says:

    Another great example of that mans work.

  11. forddent says:

    You and he were….buddies, weren’t you?

  12. AXAXAXAS MLO II: MLO HARDER says:

    That voodoo guy looks like he got lost on his way to Far Cry 3.

    Oh my God… is this game a Far Cry 3 prequel? To the fanfiction desk!

    E: Also, I don’t know how you are surprised that your sister insulted and annoyed you constantly but ultimately loved you. That’s pretty much what a sister is.

  13. TheTingler says:

    I can’t believe you got two articles out of a game’s tutorial!

    Also, that’s the second best Matt Berry that I’ve ever seen!