The Risen 3 Report, Day 8: How To Sit Down

The story so far of my adventures in ambitious but cracked roleplaying game Risen 3 is here.

I’m still engaged on my long quest to learn magic, which for some reason involves compiling multiple mining reports for a rather brusque fellow, and it’s been hard work. The kind of work that causes a guy to have to put his feet up every so often. Fortunately, there are no shortage of places to stop and have a good sit on the island of Taranis. Better still, it seems sitting is something of an art form around here. Every placement of buttocks to chair, bench or throne tells a new story.

Let me show you my best moves.

The Dentist’s Waiting Room:

The Abandoned Lover:

The Kitchen Sink Drama

The Joffrey:

The Museum Security Guard:

The Waiting For The Rest Of The Disciples To Turn Up:

The Warhammer 40,000 Fan:

The Camping Weekend In Wales:

The Trying To Pretend The Two-Headed Man Isn’t There:

The Don’t Look Now:

The “Yeah, I Don’t Even Own A Television”:

The Ran Out Of Coins For The Meter:

The Naughty Step:

The What’s The Time, Mr Wolf?:

The Unpicked Substitute:

The Grand Designs:

All that said, trusted/crazed voodoo-chum Bones is far better than I am at ostentatiously taking it easy:

I hope this will help you to improve your own sitting/leg-burning skills.


  1. Lacessit says:

    Well, you know, if you’re going to burn his chair, of course he’s going to look silly trying to sit down.

  2. SuperSnaga says:

    Don’t think I don’t like this report – I do – but back when you wrote about Risen 1, didn’t you….. write some more?

    • Ross Angus says:

      Quality, not quantity. When was the last time you read an article about sitting down in video games?


        I don’t remember, but I hope it was when Resident Evil 4 came out.

    • says:

      He wrote some more in other diary entries.

  3. N'Al says:

    Interestingly, I’m actually playing through Risen 2 at the moment. Have to say, as much as I’m enjoying the game – especially now that the story’s picked up (just opened up Antigua, the Isle of the Dead, and Maracai Bay) – the combat just sucks! Particularly compared to Risen 1. It’s not so bad against human opponents, but against monsters (which make up more than half of the enemies you meet) it’s just rubbish.

    From what I understand Risen 3 is pretty much Risen 2 but with decent combat. Would that be a fair assessment?

    Also, what SuperSnaga said.

  4. OpT1mUs says:

    Slow day eh

    • noodlecake says:

      I thought it was quite an amusing article. There’s a ton of gaming news that’s breaking that I have no interest in. This, however, was genuinely funny.

    • RARARA says:

      Whatever you do, never go to the Dead End Thrills website if this bothers you.

  5. Dale Winton says:

    Well I laughed

    How have you not completed it yet ? Took me 45 hours mind you

  6. InfamousPotato says:

    This may be the best article about sitting that I’ve ever read. That was freaking beautiful.

  7. yhancik says:

    Aw, I was expecting Bones to speak in the video :(

  8. jrodman says:

    I rather think that first picture is trying to seduce me.

    Into doing what, though, I’m not sure.

  9. Moraven says:

    I now have the urge to go make a sitting montage in WoW. So many places to sit…

    Blackrock Depths Dark Iron Dwarves throne was always a grand place to sit.

  10. Nucas says:

    You guys are really scraping the barrel with these Risen posts. How many more before you get your point across about not liking this game?

  11. Geebs says:

    Okay, when I got to the kitchen sink one, a little wee came out.

  12. zer0sum says:

    I don’t understand why you guys keep writing stories about Risen. Why are you still playing it?

  13. N'Al says:

    Ok, seeing as how this comment system is utterly rubbish and decided to swallow all my previous responses, here goes one last time:

    I’m actually playing through Risen 2 at the moment. As much as I’m enjoying it, the combat system is utterly broken; it’s just about ok against human opponents, but completely sucks when fighting monsters (which make up more than 50% of the enemies in-game).

    From what I understand Risen 3 is basically Risen 2 with a workable combat system? Would that be an accurate assessment?

    [edit] Also, what SuperSnaga said. [/edit]

    • Brosecutor says:

      I’d rather say Risen 3 is Risen 2 with less Pirates, a bigger and more open world and more interesting things to do.

      People say combat’s still rubbish. Since I don’t care that much for the combat system (it’s Risen, not SoulCalibur), I can’t really comment on it. I managed to kill every man and beast that attacked me, though.

      • N'Al says:

        Ah, shame about ‘less Pirates’, that’s the bit I’m enjoying quite a lot in Risen 2. Still, 3 sounds decent enough. Cheers.

  14. Ryuuga says:

    Oh my, that look in the first picture.. I blushed!

    Coincidentally, is there any way to personalize the character you play, or are you stuck as Smarm-pants-Mc-fuzzchin? Could you even play a female character?

    • SuperSnaga says:

      No. As in the 5 previous Piranha Bytes games, you can’t play a female character.

      • Alec Meer says:

        Yeah, it’s been the same lead character throughout all three Risens. Which isn’t a particularly good excuse, as he’s a charisma vacuum and they reset him at the start of each one.

        • SuperSnaga says:

          It’s not. The lead character in Risen 3 is Patty’s brother and Steelbeard’s son, although the belief that he’s the same as in parts 1 and 2 is widespread

        • Morlock says:

          What SuperSnaga said, but let me add that Risen 3’s writing is pretty true to charisma not being a character stat. No one has any.

          This is true for most characters in Piranha Bytes games, and to be honest, I enjoy it quite a bit. Take the completely unempathetic way your PC tells a fisherman that his wife died. Something along the lines of “Let me put it this way: Your wife has seen better days.”

      • Ryuuga says:

        *shrug* oh well, there’s other games… tho this one did seem tempting, if only for the stupidity and randomness. Can you at least modify his face? Or is it stuck like that?

        • kament says:

          You can’t modify the character’s look per se, but his appearance changes after joining a faction.

  15. frightlever says:


    I know the game will be a let-down when I get around to it (still have Risen 2 to play, and I can wait for Risen 3 on sale GOTY) but value for money on this playthrough has been high.

  16. Megakoresh says:

    Bad game. Outside of the occasional funny moments and the interesting quests I don’t understand the value of the game. The voice acting is shoddy to say the least, animation is bad and combat is so clunky and shallow that it feels like playing Street Fighter with touch controls. Like really, every enemy has exact same attack pattern, whatever attacks you use, there’s no synergy, all just boils down to DPSing the enemy to zero, and the startgame is abysmall, having to hide behind a companion all the time.

    Like for 30€ I would recommend it based on the amount of content and good quests, but for full price, I don’t understand people who praise a product of such poor quality in 2014. I really don’t, I see no objective reason.