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Chop Chop: Farming Simulator 15's Forestry

You can't run, tree.

Perhaps this is because I’m a city slicker, but I find something about this Farming Simulator 15 trailer very sinister. It’s showing off this year’s new woodcutting gear, and to me they all look like implements for terrible murder. One vehicle has a mighty arm for grabbing tall, thin, upright things and tugging them through a cruel mechanism stripping off limbs and sawing them into segments. A chainsaw to chase escapees down on foot. A chipper to Fargo what’s left.

Shhh, tree. Be quiet now. Good trees stand very still, tall and strong. Do you know what happens to bad trees, trees which run and scream and trample my corn? Be a good tree.

If we take it at face value, and trees are simply trees, simulated farmers see nurture trees from cradle to grave. Or grave to cradle. They’ll cut trees down, saw them up, chip ’em, process ’em, transport ’em, then plant new ones amidst the stumps and sap. It’s still a little gruesome. That terrifying vehicle is named the ScorpionKing, for goodness’ sake. I don’t know if these are in the game, but now I’ll have nightmares about debarkers. All flesh is grass, and all skin is bark.

I might stick with the Skyrim Reforestation Project.

Farming Simulator is due just in time for Halloween, on October 30. Funny, that.

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Alice O'Connor

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When not writing news, Alice may be found in the sea.

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