Pro Chess Simulator 300 Makes The Tough Guys Tumble

I sank your battleship.

Goat Simulator. Accountant Simulator. Door Simulator 2015. Corgi Simulator 2071. Turtle Simulator. Going Right Simulator. Room Cleaning Simulator 2014. Grass Simulator 2014. Cat Simulator. Tree Simulator 2013: Treeloaded. Teabag Simulator 2014. Alien Probe Simulator 2014. Tea Party Simulator 2014. Barbershop Quartet Simulator. Dish-washing Simulator 2014. Butt Touching Simulator (obviously I showed that one to Cara).

You might have noticed that joke Simulators are all the rage nowadays. They’re often not very funny. Usually their mere name is meant to be the punchline. Pro Chess Simulator 300 is a single-joke Simulator too but it’s a good joke. Not one to retell at your Britain’s Got Talent audition, but worth a few smiles.

Pro Chess Simulator 300 is a free download on itch.io so go download it and see for yourself.

Here I shall employ the rhetorical device of saying I’ll wait for you to download and play it. In the meantime, I’ll listen to Murray Head’s chess floor killer One Night in Bangkok. Yes, for each and every person who reads this article, I shall stop whatever I’m doing to watch the video once. I have a tab open to our stats, updating in real-time, and shall sing until I’m spitting blood.

Maybe that’s just daft. Maybe I should include a video for people who won’t download the game.

The joke’s not nearly as funny this way, you know. Fine!

See? It’s chess, but you knock the pieces over to win like a petulant child. It’s a fun single-joke game, taking what many gag Simulators use as the punchline (wacky video game physics!) and spinning it into a slightly more elaborate joke. It’s a shame the AI doesn’t play to chess rules, perhaps giving the joke away a little early, but still! I chuckled then smiled for fifteen seconds and that’s a lot for this horrible bag of grump.

If you fancy more quick gags, my flatmate compiled a list of ’em last year.

15 Comments

  1. Gilead says:

    Looks okay, but needs more bars, temples and massage parlours.

  2. J. Cosmo Cohen says:

    When will there be a simulator about making silly simulators? I’m sure there already is one.

    Alice, you need to pretend it’s Monday every time you write. Your grumpiness makes for delightful reading. Also, just in case you really are in a bit of a downer mood, might I suggest some Bob Marley? He always cheers me right up.

    • Gap Gen says:

      That sounds like a great idea. You have to manipulate a programming environment with big clown hands, knocking over coffee mugs and Portal 2 figurines. Eventually you hit compile and play your horribly broken Simulator game.

    • TechnicalBen says:

      There is simulator simulator 2014 (or whatever). It’s simuception!

  3. Monggerel says:

    That ending tho…
    *shudders*

  4. Bugamn says:

    I think this joke didn’t work so well, since this chess was broken from the start.

  5. Darth Gangrel says:

    Are all those above mentioned simulators actual games? You’re not just making some or most of them up for humorous effect? I don’t even know if I want an answer to that question, because it might shatter my fragile perception of the world as not-crazy and in turn make me as crazy as the world seems to be.

  6. hoverpope says:

    Uhh, you forgot Chasm Simulator 9000?

  7. Shazbut says:

    Reminds me of…

    link to youtube.com

    You’re welcome

  8. LionsPhil says:

    Yes, for each and every person who reads this article, I shall stop whatever I’m doing to watch the video once. I have a tab open to our stats, updating in real-time, and shall sing until I’m spitting blood.

    I am happy to contribute toward this noble goal by causing a page hit, regardless of the claimed retraction later in the article.

  9. mechabuddha says:

    The only winning move is not to play.

  10. jrodman says:

    I was disappointed with the lack of power-ups.