Happy Kitty, Cat Petting Simulator 2014, Purr Purr Purr

I miss having cats. Four years ago, I left home and became a professional itinerant, leaving my felines in the care of rich strangers. Today, I am bereft of cats and so, you shouldn’t take me as an unbiased source when I say, “Oh, god. Cat Petting Simulator 2014 is the best thing I’ve seen in a long time.”

This Twine game is exactly what it sounds like. You pet a cat in this. Not once, not twice. Not in a repetitive motion. You pet it. The way the cats were meant to be petted. With variety, with fondness, with technique. The game lets you choose from a ridiculous array of methods to gently caress your virtual furball. For example, as your cat sits purring like a lawnmower, you’ll be able to a) choose to behold it in its natural habitat b) attend to her sides c) scritch her shoulders d) ruffle her chest or e) pat her tummy. From there, it’s more of the same, but also better. Once in a while, it dips into gritty realism by pointing out the consequences of having kitty litter in the house.

The sheer amount of fluffy detail embedded in Cat Petting Simulator 2014 is almost shocking, really. And absolutely delightful. Sure, there might be a ton of simulator games out there, and even a cat simulator that lets you understand why your pets enjoy tormenting you so much. But how many, I ask you, let you replicate the quiet splendour of an afternoon with the domestic cat?

46 Comments

  1. Horg says:

    Fun cat fact of the day; domestic cats have developed a purr that mimics the frequency of sounds made by human babies, presumably as they sound more appealing to humans on a subconscious level. Hearing a cats purr is believed to be a mood enhancer.

    • Zanchito says:

      The meow, not the purr. Unless british babies sound different than the mediterranean ones.

    • GameCat says:

      Nonsense, if cats developed purring that sounds like baby in demand they would turn from domestic animal to next Dodo bird within maximum one week.

    • Eddy9000 says:

      What is a fact is that only domestic cats meow. This is because all kittens meow to get attention and food of their mother, but after they go off on their own there is no reward for meowing as they catch their own food, so the behaviour extinguishes. Domestic cats on the other hand live their whole lives receiving food from humans, so meowing is reinforced and continues into adulthood.

      Perhaps this is the fact you meant?

    • TacticalNuclearPenguin says:

      Impossible, i love cats to death and hate babies!

      Jokes aside, this actually sort of makes sense.

      • MickMick says:

        You hate babies. Really? You don’t think hate may be too strong a word for your feelings about babies?

        • Shadowcat says:

          Whereas the preceding part of the sentence could be interpreted literally with no problem?

          Anyway, for all we know babies killed TacticalNuclearPenguin’s family.

          • TacticalNuclearPenguin says:

            It was a whole army of them, but i managed to take down a few!

  2. mpk says:

    If you slide your hand in between her legs

    What. The. Fuck?

    (out of context quoting 4tw)

  3. islipaway says:

    I loved this, a little over a year ago I had to give up my cats for adoption and nothing has made me miss them more than this.

  4. WiggumEsquilax says:

    Cat looks similar to Lenin Cat.

    YOU CAN NOT HAS PETTING
    UNTIL ALL CATS CAN HAS PETTING

  5. Prolar Bear says:

    Oh, god. Cat Petting Simulator 2014 is the best thing I’ve seen in a long time.

  6. thedosbox says:

    Context: the default cat name is “Cassie”

    Cassie’s affection for you was 11 (out of a possible 18!).

    A sliding scale for cat affection? LIES! They either hate you or love you.

    • Horg says:

      I decided to risk the belly trap 0 times. I got a 9. Despite my fictional cat having a lukewarm appreciation of me, at least I get to keep my hand.

    • Premium User Badge

      Mungrul says:

      “A sliding scale for cat affection? LIES! They either hate you or tolerate you.”
      FTFY.

  7. CriticalCore says:

    GOTY.

  8. RobF says:

    I love this so much.

  9. soopytwist says:

    Nope, sorry I don’t get it. I was expecting a cat petting simulator, all I got was a text adventure and not a very good one either.

    • Niko says:

      “When I started reading that Tolkien book I’ve discovered that it’s just filled with words! The only picture was the cover picture.”

  10. Jade Raven says:

    Every day we et one step closer to the most obvious big hit game that has never been done, a realistic cat simulator.

  11. GallonOfAlan says:

    I called my cat ‘Hellbastard’.

  12. commentingaccount says:

    Cassandra, have you looked into Nintendogs+Cats?

  13. satan says:

    So… I cooked fries/chips in an oven that were sitting on foil and I was worried about the foil tearing? Why not just use baking paper? Never tears, never sticks, easier to clean up.

    • Buzko says:

      @satan – what an odd comment.

      Ordinarily this sort of non sequitur would be indicative of spam, but I can’t tell what you’re trying to hawk – just baking paper in general?

      If you simply sought to share a solution to an oven conundrum, I’m not sure why you chose to share it here.

      Unless you were trying to do a slightly less dangerous version of this? In which case carry on.

    • MickMick says:

      Rub some oil on that foil, or your chips will spoil.

    • Chiron says:

      Baking papers more likely to make the chips go black than foil

  14. grrrz says:

    am I the only one who finds this horribly creepy?

    • MickMick says:

      Nope, the weirdly sexual overtones in nearly every sentence are creepy as fuck.

      • Premium User Badge

        Phasma Felis says:

        That may be your problem, not the game’s.

      • Niko says:

        I’d say “sensual” is the more correct term. After all, there is indeed touching involved, it’s just that with humans touching is quite often associated with sexual activity.

  15. Jackablade says:

    That wasn’t so realistic. At no point did my cat, Bill, latch on to my arm with front paws and teeth and scratch the hell out of my arm with her back paws.

    • Tssha says:

      I have owned one cat and taken care of two…no, three…and this has never happened to me.

      On the other hand, my friend’s cat sits on a subwoofer and claws at anyone who passes by, so I understand that experiences vary.