Pip: Alice. There is a World of Warcraft expansion out called Warlords of Draenor – I know this because I have seen TWO (2) trailers for it. You going to play it?
Alice: I shan’t, no – I have one ancient WoW account I played intensely for the free month then no more – but I’m fascinated by the people who will be returning. Like spawning salmon, they feel an aching tug drawing them back to the same place every two years.
Pip: Do you think it’s like when you go home after a few years – like to your hometown or something – and you do a lap to see what’s changed and what you still recognise?
Alice: “Coo, I see them at number 27 have got some new spikes on their turret. Very fancy.” Check in on your old favourite NPCs. Be perturbed by the latest fashions of the region and their propensity for ever-larger shoulderpads. See if your old guild even still exists.
Pip: I was thinking more along the lines of “Well, that Dark Portal to a savage alien realm wasn’t here last time….”
Alice: I think it was. Maybe. I think this one is back again. Or they’ve rebuilt it. Time travel. Complicated. So it’s more like when the rollerskating rink has reopened again.
Pip: And is full of the Iron Horde.
Alice: They call it Warcraft for a reason. That’s a pun. If I were feeling clever I’d… hang on… I can do this…
Pip: No you can’t. Anyway, I’ve been reading about this expansion thing (obviously with about five thousand World of Wikicraft tabs open to tell me what every other word actually means). It seems to imply that interesting things are afoot, although I can’t quite work out what they are. I’ve also watched the TWO (2) trailers and am still hazy. It’s like getting one of those round robin letters at Christmas from some distant relative and desperately trying to remember which one Jacob is and why on earth anyone should care that he has taken up mountaineering. “Garrosh is doing well – minor mishap through the Dark Portal over some weird green goo in a cup, but lads will be lads! Anyway, I’ve been learning how to make preserves.”
Alice: “I’ve given Cousin Shane a jar of bruiseweed jam to pass on to your mother.”
Pip: That’ll sit there til at least next year, then. AND we have to speak to Shane. WAIT this isn’t real.
Alice: I’ll take that as a compliment to the power of my wordsmithery.
Pip: By the way, I think Blizzard own the www.warlords.com domain. Why doesn’t an actual warlord own that?
Alice: I’m not sure they think of themselves as warlords, Pip. They’re just trying to do something nice for the Horde. Or they’re still bidding over warlords.biz.
Pip: Do you think people who are still reading this (WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT) would like to know what Warlords of Draenor actually offers? I mean, I have the press release. And have watched TWO (2) trailers.
Alice: I think everyone can guess most of it: the expansion introduces 10 character levels’ worth of fighting, across 10 character levels’ worth of new areas, with 10 character levels’ worth of new gear. Oh, and you can build a house for your warlord. A lordshack. Wait, who are the warlords again? Pip, you’ve watched TWO (2) trailers, help me out.
Pip: The U.S., Canada, Europe, Russia, Southeast Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, Argentina, Chile, and Brazil. Wait. That’s the countries it’s out in. Maybe we can find out who the warlords are by doing a whois on the domain?
Alice: I just checked. It’s private. But www.warlordsonline.info is available right now!
Pip: Why are we writing this and not registering that?
Alice: Let’s stop this and do that now. BYE!