Stuff Wot I Have Played Yesterday

I play a load of small games every day but only post a few of them. Some don’t seem quite up to scratch, some have issues that make me wary of posting them, and some make me worry I already try readers’ patience too much. But still, maybe I can tell you about them all together.

Yesterday had enough newsy news to keep me busy, despite all the April Fools’ Day guff, so I only played a few things. But if you want quiet aquatic exploration or a pregnant Barbie peppered with wooden nails, hey, look only a little further.

Heavens Below [Itch] by Alice Elwin
Pay-what-you-want

I dug the idea and vibe of exploring ruins in a fish-shaped submarine. It has a satisfying weight and inertia to movement, and pleasant post-rock twangling, but you can only crash twice before ‘sploding. After finding a text log I had a bad feeling that’s all I was searching for, and gave up.

Looks Back [Itch] by odedz11
Free

I woke up on the floor of a dingy pub toilet, arm reaching towards the porcelain, and thought “Yes, this is the story of my life.” I looked down at my nude, nubile body and thought “Yes, they’ve captured me perfectly.” I crawled around, trying to figure out how to stand, and wept at my own life.

Then a giant spider chirping away on the wall leapt on my face. And it did it again. And again. All right, that’s enough. Whatever’s beyond that, I wasn’t interested enough to find out.

Pregnant Barbie Emergency [site] by Sisi Games
Free

Of all the mailing lists we’re on, the children’s browser game sites are perhaps my favourites because they occasionally bring weird games where famous characters (fictional and celebrity) have horrible accidents.

Barbie is pregnant and injured and you need to wash the blood from her face and pull “wooden nails” from her body. The combination of famous folk and gruesome injuries in children’s games is so weird and fascinating to me.

Hello Kitty Bicycle Accident [site] by 143kidsgames
Free

Playing Barbie reminded me of this old chestnut.

Look, I don’t know what you want from me.

37 Comments

  1. Premium User Badge

    Lexx87 says:

    Dear lord I had no idea these kind of games existed. Those large gashes in Hello Kitty’s feet disturb me for some reason.

    • Premium User Badge

      Grizzly says:

      Hello Kitty is pretty much the face of innocence. If you are not disturbed by these images, there’s no way you are a mammal.

    • Pich says:

      Wait until you see Pregnant Elsa Domestic Violence. No i’m not kidding.

    • aldo_14 says:

      It would appear to be ‘Traumatize Your Child Simulator’ more than Hello Kitty Wot Got A BooBoo.

    • hotmaildidntwork says:

      I’m struck by the disconnect between apparent injury and stated cause. What sort of bicycle accident leads to a disconnected ear and a series of wooden nails driven into the body? What the hell even *are* wooden nails? Why would you make a nail from wood? Can I at assume that the *syringe* was not present before treatment began?

  2. skalpadda says:

    Wow, that Barbie game is creepy as all hell. What happened to her, to give her four fractures and get her pierced with splinters all over her body? Why are we not fixing her broken limbs? Why is she in a doll’s bedroom rather than a hospital with these injuries. Why, if we’re not in a hospital, do we have an x-ray machine? Why is her baby impervious to x-rays?

    • Spacewalk says:

      Why can’t we fill out an AVO?

    • Premium User Badge

      Bluerps says:

      What disturbs me the most is that she doesn’t look worried at all. In fact, she’s grinning.

  3. Spacewalk says:

    F355 Challenge: Passione Rossa is the car wot goes fast game that lady is playing. It’s by SEGA which confirms the feeling I had about it but I was totally wrong on the year. That’s not even on PC, go home lady you’re drunk.

    • Damn Rookie says:

      That’s some damn fine detective work there, Spacewalk.

  4. CookPassBabtridge says:

    Does a game / program exist where I can have a small pet rabbit or fluffy thing that lives in the bottom left hand of my monitor and does adorable things and I can feed him and virtually stroke him and call him George but also switch him off if he gets annoying or too demanding or starts downloading viruses or p0rn?

    Lack of punctuation deliberate because bunnies.

    • Niko says:

      I remember having some desktop kitten, but it was like a dozen years ago.

      • CookPassBabtridge says:

        I live in a flat and can’t have pets and you can’t stroke a goldfish. Well you can but it dies.
        Did your kitten have a name?

        • Notebooked says:

          Oh goodness. I know of a good example of the sort of thing you’re talking about, but I don’t think it’s downloadable now and it’s from a fairly obscure source.

          I am under the distinct impression the Swedish cat food manufacturer Pussi once had their mascot, a black-and-white cat, downloadable as a desktop gadget who clambered around on the tops of windows you had open, could be clicked to be stroked and dragged around with the cursor and whatnot. There were a bundle of these things with different cartoon characters, and there was some name for them–not desktop toy, but something along those lines. Wish I could remember.

          • Canadave says:

            Hmm… just did a Google search for “Pussi on your desktop” and the results weren’t quite as anticipated.

          • noerartnoe says:

            Oh gods, you should really see some of their actual products, I swear to cod (the fish, not the game). They actually have one variety called “As good as it looks”, one called “Sensations” – and I think they even have one type of cat-snack called “Lickin’s”. The packaging produced by this tends to cause tourists – especially English ones – who notice them on the shelves to bring out their phones. Assuming they don’t just die laughing.

    • MiniMatt says:

      In the long long ago, in the before time, there was Tiny Elvis. Tiny Elvis was as cute as a kitten, would clamber around your Win 3.11 windows and occasionally proclaim “Maaaan, look at the size of that window! Man that sucker’s huuuge!”

      • CookPassBabtridge says:

        Yeah, like that, except a bunny. I want that. Maybe with super realistic fur.

  5. Henas says:

    I feel the header image sets the tone for the whole article. That Alice is very cranky for having to play these games. Presumably because she’s forced to use a CRT monitor and a joystick. Somewhat like that bloke that uses Rock Band equipment and bongos to play Dark Souls.

  6. Premium User Badge

    Earl-Grey says:

    Is that woman using a joystick in a racing game?
    Shudders.
    No wonder she’s about to dropkick her monitor out the window.

  7. wraithgr says:

    Don’t mean to be negative, but…
    this is not meant to replace freeware garden but it’s a daily column talking about freeware games?

    Also, pls change the starting image… If possible, we would like a different stock photo of an unlikely pc setup to talk about every day

    • Alice O'Connor says:

      It’s not necessarily freeware – I just happen to play a lot of free games. I usually play a spread of cheap games too.

      • wraithgr says:

        What about the stock image? Can we expect (dare I say hope for) a dude yelling at a projected image of a console beat’em up while holding only a computer mouse?

        • Ace Rimmer says:

          If we’re doing requests, I’d like to see squad-based tactical shooter, pensive vicar, Wiimote. My desires are … unconvetional.

          (But I sorta love the current header, too.)

        • Canadave says:

          I’d like to see the old chesnut that is someone playing an XBox with an NES controller.

        • Shuck says:

          Or anything from computerdogs tumblr.
          E.g.
          link to 41.media.tumblr.com

    • Michael Fogg says:

      That overexposed 20 year old stock image really looks out of place on RPS. You could even replace it with an MS paint drawing at that would be an improvement.

      • Alice O'Connor says:

        pc_gaming.jpg has been with me my entire career. I feel more for it than John or Alec do their little human mascots.

        • Michael Fogg says:

          She appears to be playing split-screen by herself, for chrissakes!

          • Alice O'Connor says:

            It’s clearly a bridge.

          • CookPassBabtridge says:

            Christ sometimes this place reminds me of a car journey with your family. I like the title image. Sunday Papers always has the same shot. This shot is Alice’s Games Picture, the acronym of which is AGP, which is nostalgic if you owned a gaming PC 10 years ago WHICH IS AMAZINGLY AND SPOOKILY APPROPRIATE.

            Now everyone stop complaining, sit still and we can play I Spy. I don’t care if you need the toilet, you’ll have to wait til the service station. If you’re hot, wind your window down. No we are not putting the air conditioning on, it makes your grandmother cough. Here, have a sweet. Now be quiet, “Careless Whisper” is on the radio.

        • Durkonkell says:

          I love the header image EVEN MORE now that I know it’s called pc_gaming.jpg…

      • Pesticide says:

        i have that picture on the cover of UK pcgamer lying at home of like a 1996 edition …

    • MiniMatt says:

      Vote of support for the title image.

      It tweaks my nostalgia nipples.

      (of which I have precisely three)

    • Premium User Badge

      Skabooga says:

      The title image stays! It is a masterpiece in the same vein as the promotional photo for the NES on the back of its box: link to vintagecomputing.com

  8. elwinalice says:

    great feedbacks for Heavens Below!

  9. macek677 says:

    The top screenshot (the one with the woman screaming at the monitor) is kinda funny.
    Woman playing split-screen racing game on 1 JoyStick. Yeah.
    No wonder she screems, she would probably blame PC for that lol