Project CARS [official site] – that racing game which should be coming out mid-May following a bunch of delays and shiny pictures of shiny cars being shiny – has a new trailer. It’s far less about “racing” and far more about textures and surfaces and loving and caressing vehicles through camera angles.
Here are twenty (20) thoughts about the whole thing:
1. Ooh – a PEGI 3 rating. Presumably this is because children are inspired by the story of how Kim Jong-un learned to drive at the age of three and will be picking up Project CARS as important revision for their tests.
2. This Renault has a WMD2015 license plate. Project CARS has been delayed a billion times (conservative estimate) so perhaps it started life as a topical sideswipe just after the millennium and they’ve just left it in. Wait, if you look at old screenshots it has been updated to 2015 from 2014 – so is this satire? Can you have a satirical license plate? Should I send out some freelance pitches for a Top Satire In License Plates feature?
3. Lensflare. This is number four on the official racing game trailer drinking game list. You should fetch the whisky.
4. I don’t think this Clio knows how to “racing”. That is clearly “parking”. The other cars know how to “racing” and so they will probably win. Maybe the Clio doesn’t care because it has decided not to even compete. That is the only way to win. Good job, Clio.
5. Drifting. This is number seven on the drinking game list so you should get on that.
6. WMD2015 has returned to be aggressively sleek despite some wet weather. There is a competition between the road surface and the car for who can be the shiniest because, really, this is a trailer about textures and graphics and nothing else.
7. But we are not supposed to notice that so there is DASHBOARD CAM. This Renault is horribly smug because it is going really fast and it has all the petrol it can eat and you could chill champagne in the engine coolant or whatever. If the car was a) real and b) had opposable thumbs you just know it would have imgur-ed that and posted it as a humblebrag on Reddit and now be obsessively checking for upvotes.
9. NIGHTTIME. In the world of racing game trailers this is the equivalent of those key changes you get two thirds of the way through a Westlife ballad.
10. The Clio continues to give a masterclass in “parking”.
11. BUT WAIT it was a ruse all along and now it can zoom all over the place.
18. You should probably add “buy a new bottle of drinking game whisky” to your shopping list. Also please do not attempt to actually drive because you are clearly trollied right now.
19. I don’t really recognise this approach to racing that isn’t about smashing your opponents off the road. Perhaps it is I who does not know how to “racing”.
20. Signoff with a slightly sleazy-feeling closeup of the car’s butt.
~ FIN ~