A Witcher 3 Diary, Day 4: World Of Jerks

This is what happens to anyone found being guilty of not being a jerk

Continuing a (mostly) in-character diary of my adventures in The Witcher 3. Probably contains spoilers. N.B. critical opinion & technical complaints are happening elsewhere on the site.

Hands up if you’re not a jerk. No-one? Thought not.

The only reason I – a randy mercenary-for-hire who murders anything he can’t sleep with – am nominally a hero in this world is because everyone else in it is a total ratbag. I’ve ceased to expect that any contract or quest will result in any warm and fuzzy feelings, and now presume from the off that whoever offered it to me has darkness in their heart. Let’s review the evidence:

John Verdun

Profession: Soldier for the army who I think are the slightly less evil side of the war but I’m almost certainly wrong about that
Request: Rescue him from being left tied up at the water’s edge by fearful locals, where he was to become Drowner feed any minute
Inevitable jerky outcome: Once freed, he took up a life of robbing refugees and now proudly declares himself a rich man.
My response: I refused his bribe, so he attacked me and got himself and his men summarily killed.

Rating: JERK

John Jeemer

Profession: A lowly trader wearing a nappy on his head
Request: Find his cart and goods, which were missing in a nearby swamp as a result of a horrible monster attack he narrowly escaped from
Inevitable jerky outcome: He’s actually a secret agent for the Northern army, and had brutally ambushed one of the other side’s medical transports, whose contents he wanted me to reclaim from the dangerous swamp for him. To add insult to injury, he even tried the ol’ ‘look out behind you!’ trick.
My response: I let him go but kept the medicine, hoping I could give it to someone in need. It just turned out to be some stupid flowers anyway.

Rating: JERK

Captain Of The Guard

Profession: As above
Request: Track down a monster which has been preying on his men in the woods
Inevitable jerky outcome: It’s actually elves wot did it, and he’s neither surprised or upset by this. In fact, he’d really love it if I mindlessly slaughtered anything ‘non-human’ on his behest.
My response: We swore at each other a bit, I didn’t get paid, but no-one got killed, for a change.

Rating: JERK

Vernossiel and her Scoia’tael

Profession: Elf leader and Elf soldiers
Request: Turn a blind eye to the fact her gang of elf outcasts have been slaughtering and robbing soldiers in the forest, because her people have been treated with appalling brutality by said soldiers, and also they need food.
Inevitable jerky outcome: Won’t even consider a middle route of just robbing people; it’s either they die or I die.
My response: I was pretty sure I’d have to kill them if I refused to keep shtum, so I just walked away grumpily.

Rating: JERK who probably has a good point

Priest Of The Eternal Fire

Profession: As above. Already has Jerk written all over him, this one.
Request: Burn bodies on the battlefield with my Magic Witcher FireTM to stop ghouls feeding on them.
Inevitable jerky outcome: He’d been illicitly buying supplies from a black market trader, who he’d knocked out and hidden among the bodies then hoped I’d burn him unaware.
My response: I waggled my finger at him disapprovingly, he ordered his men to attack, death death death.

Rating: JERK

Bear

Profession: Bear
Request: To eat my bones
Inevitable jerky outcome: I dunno, I guess he’s just acting on instinct?
My response: Got a bit stabby, basically.
Rating: BEAR

STOP BEING JERKS, EVERYONE

22 Comments

  1. Baltech says:

    So many jerkins in this game! :D

  2. Orija says:

    I was more pissed at the guy who gave me his daughter’s dowry as payment, and that guy who wanted to use the payment to care for some orphan kid. Stop guilt tripping me you entitled twats!

    Anyway, taking payment for jobs is essential to keep the witchers’ caste going out of work.

    • Nevard says:

      My impression was that he gave you her dowry because she has been disfigured (he didn’t think she’d be able to find a husband anyway) and it wasn’t even certain she’d live even with your aid, a sort of “I’m not going to need this any more and you’ve earned it, thank god she’s at least alive” sort of thing.

      • Orija says:

        Well, Geralt’s response when refusing is “keep your 20 oren dowry and just drink to my health at her wedding”

      • Boothie says:

        From what i understood she had just drunk some bad water (corpses in the river) and he was offering me the money cause well witchers dont work for free, when did it mention her being disfigured?

    • Zenicetus says:

      Yes, exactly on that last point. I’ve been taking the money in all choices like that one, even when I’m flush with cash. It’s what makes Geralt a professional monster hunter instead of an amateur doing it for kicks. He has to maintain the reputation of his profession for the next Witcher that comes along.

      It’s like playing local gigs if you’re in a band. You never perform for free, if you can help it, because then the venues get used to it, and nobody ever gets paid.

      • Ubernym says:

        Yes, true. But there aren’t very many Witchers left in this bleak world. My stance is to do jobs for a price when jerks are invariably involved, but on the off chance that someone is genuinely sincere I do it pro-bono. The dowry one was a freebie because I feel so bad for the peasantry, they always get the shaft. The rest of the castes can go fuck themselves.

  3. BobbyDylan says:

    But at lest the Not-Jerks are lots of fun:

    link to a.disquscdn.com

  4. Clavus says:

    The real jerks are all those fuckers that spam hero cards while playing Gwent.

    • Cinek says:

      Or these cards that summon 2 more cards. Fuck that. I’m always loosing against them :(

      • Mrice says:

        Im guilty of the “half the cards in my deck go to the other players side and then give me 2 cards”. One game inside the first round i had nearly double the cards of the other player.

        Also, gwent is actually really fun. Id love a real life version of it.

        • Nevard says:

          Gwen’t got that weird thing going on where it would be more frustrating in real life because there are cards that are just… objectively worse than other cards. And as there are no summon costs or other associated effects, there’s literally no reason to ever use these cards.
          There are melee fighters with 2 attack and no special effect. Why would you ever use these? They exist purely to stack the deck against Geralt at the start of the game where he doesn’t have any choice but to use them, and to add some difficulty progression. They don’t even have any niche use, there’s no situation where a melee attacker with 5 attack and no effect would not be a superior inclusion, and no situation where you can’t use that apart from “I don’t own one”.

          • Mrice says:

            Maybe it would be better if there was four card types, Soldiers, Specialists, Heroes and Abilities. And you had a set limit of each of those.

            So soldiers would fill the bulk of your deck. Specialists with those niche abilities would fill a smaller portion, heroes would fill an again smaller portion, and abilities would be on par with specialists in size.

      • Orija says:

        start using more decoys.

    • BobbyDylan says:

      I just don’t get Gwent. I’ve petty much resigned myself to not playing it.

      • Clavus says:

        It’s grown on me. I’m not one for tabletop gaming at all, but Gwent has a deeper strategy to it that gets more interesting as your deck grows. So I’ve been buying cards whenever I arrive at a new inn. Maybe one day I can beat that god damn kid.

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        Mungrul says:

        You’re not alone Bobby. The rules made no sense to me whatsoever, and I found the concept completely opaque, but then I’ve never played a tabletop card game before, and I suspect some prior knowledge is assumed.
        I just wish they’d brought back the dice poker from the first game, which I found genuinely fun to play and even thought of making my own set.

        • Cinek says:

          I’m not a tabletop buy either, but the rules were quite easy. Just pay attention in a tutorial. It explains pretty much everything. What’s remaining is buying cards and learning what enemy might pull on you.

      • Zenicetus says:

        I’ve been avoiding it too. From what I hear, it’s a great game if you’re into that sort of thing, but I’m not a fan of computer-based card games. I like playing card games like Poker with human opponents where the psychology and interaction is more interesting, and it’s not just random number crunching and AI routines.

        Also, it’s a time sink in the game, and I don’t have a huge amount of free time to play this game. I’m trying to pace myself, doing lots of side quests and exploring along with the main story, but I do eventually want to get through the game sometime this summer! Time spent playing gwent is time not doing that other stuff. Maybe I’ll pick it up if I ever do a second play-through.

      • Mrice says:

        I play a lot of tabletop and i loved it. So i geuss it really is just a case of what you are into.

        Its not a big deal though, its not a very large part of the game. Mostly its just a pleasant five minute diversion from the main game every time you meet a merchant or pub owner.

        • Herbal Space Program says:

          Some hefty secondary quests turn around Gwent too.

        • Lenderz says:

          5 Mins? 2 whole hours being Garalt of Rivia, Gwent Master last night for me, trotting around beating everyone I can find. I am addicted to Gwent and am finding me thinking about it during my working day.

          I’d love an iOS version, the big publishers have been pushing iPad & iPhone companion apps for a few years now (Watchdogs/Battlefield for example) most of them are shoddy and add nothing. I’d love a Gwent game on iOS though playing with the cards I’ve got in the main game. I’d actually pay a few quid for that.