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I Made A Willy And A Foo-Foo In LEGO Worlds

My Private Island

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LEGO Worlds [official site] is TT Games’ attempt to scoop up some of that Minecraft action the kids love these days. And why not – it’s a natural fit for Lego (let’s forgo the capitalisation), and it’s about time there was a complete sandbox place to construct from licensed Lego blocks. Currently in a very early alpha version (you can read more in Marsh’s piece), it’s all single-player. But there’s plans to let it go multiplayer later in the alpha process, and with that comes some pretty tricky times for TT, Lego, and the pure of mind. People gonna build penises. I thought I’d have a go.

However you may feel about the hysteria surrounding children seeing crude depictions of a bodily part half of them have got, the situation is that Lego is terrified of dicks. This was described in a fantastic series of tweets by former LEGO Universe coder Megan Fox, who explained how they had gone to great efforts to create “dong detection software” for the extremely short-lived Lego MMO. (It lasted barely over a year, which wasn’t surprising, since it was a woefully empty game.) Fox explained, “We found it to be utterly impossible at any scale.”

The problem was, the Lego Overlords were insisting that the game be penis-free, and given that players could build structures and evade all algorithms they tried, it ended up meaning a team was dedicated to white-listing any constructions made. The player could see them in their game, but they’d not appear in others’ until someone had okayed it. What Fox calls “a penis sweep”.

As it happens, Fox’s commentary went on to explain how the costs are so high to do this that Lego would avoid it from now on, literally the day before LEGO Worlds was announced. But the issue remains – what are TT and Lego going to do once the world is possible to share?

Well, ban me for starters, I’d imagine. Because gosh, it’s easy to build winkies in LEGO Worlds. There’s basically a tool for it! The spherical broad brush for painting bricks into existence makes a cock just a mouse swoosh away.

A couple of balls either side, and, well, you’ve got a couple of balls either side.

There are tall thin black Lego blocks for pubes, a bit of paint for detail, and that’s a dick in 30 seconds.

For finesse, you can add that all important finishing touch.

But schlongs are too easy. What about a nice front bottom? That requires a bit more hard work (wouldn’t you know it, ladies). I’m not entirely convinced by the results, not least because as a genital, they’re not nearly so ‘stand-alone’ as the male member.

Still, I think they make for superbly welcoming monoliths to my little island.

Interesting times ahead for this one.

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John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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