I Made A Willy And A Foo-Foo In LEGO Worlds

LEGO Worlds [official site] is TT Games’ attempt to scoop up some of that Minecraft action the kids love these days. And why not – it’s a natural fit for Lego (let’s forgo the capitalisation), and it’s about time there was a complete sandbox place to construct from licensed Lego blocks. Currently in a very early alpha version (you can read more in Marsh’s piece), it’s all single-player. But there’s plans to let it go multiplayer later in the alpha process, and with that comes some pretty tricky times for TT, Lego, and the pure of mind. People gonna build penises. I thought I’d have a go.

However you may feel about the hysteria surrounding children seeing crude depictions of a bodily part half of them have got, the situation is that Lego is terrified of dicks. This was described in a fantastic series of tweets by former LEGO Universe coder Megan Fox, who explained how they had gone to great efforts to create “dong detection software” for the extremely short-lived Lego MMO. (It lasted barely over a year, which wasn’t surprising, since it was a woefully empty game.) Fox explained, “We found it to be utterly impossible at any scale.”

The problem was, the Lego Overlords were insisting that the game be penis-free, and given that players could build structures and evade all algorithms they tried, it ended up meaning a team was dedicated to white-listing any constructions made. The player could see them in their game, but they’d not appear in others’ until someone had okayed it. What Fox calls “a penis sweep”.

As it happens, Fox’s commentary went on to explain how the costs are so high to do this that Lego would avoid it from now on, literally the day before LEGO Worlds was announced. But the issue remains – what are TT and Lego going to do once the world is possible to share?

Well, ban me for starters, I’d imagine. Because gosh, it’s easy to build winkies in LEGO Worlds. There’s basically a tool for it! The spherical broad brush for painting bricks into existence makes a cock just a mouse swoosh away.

A couple of balls either side, and, well, you’ve got a couple of balls either side.

There are tall thin black Lego blocks for pubes, a bit of paint for detail, and that’s a dick in 30 seconds.

For finesse, you can add that all important finishing touch.

But schlongs are too easy. What about a nice front bottom? That requires a bit more hard work (wouldn’t you know it, ladies). I’m not entirely convinced by the results, not least because as a genital, they’re not nearly so ‘stand-alone’ as the male member.

Still, I think they make for superbly welcoming monoliths to my little island.

Interesting times ahead for this one.

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  1. Wowbagger says:

    Don’t you know it’s supposed to be 3 pubes per ball on a cdc* John? I don’t know, amateurs!

    *Crudely drawn cock to the uninitiated.

  2. Skabooga says:

    Perhaps the greatest line from Fox’s series of tweets is the last, “What we determined with LEGO Universe was that even a single brick, in the right context, became a penis.” It’s like some sort of Zen koan.

    Also, the fluorescent purple head is a nice touch.

  3. Chaz says:

    This isn’t a major problem in games like Minecraft though is it? Why should it be a problem here?

    All this sort of attention and things like setting up dedicated cock police, is like waving a red rag in front of a bull. It’s just going to actively encourage certain people to do this, because they know they’re being naughty, who otherwise without all the hoo-ha probably wouldn’t have wasted their time in the first place.

    • Phasma Felis says:

      Because Lego is a well-known child-friendly brand, so naive, overprotective parents are more likely to just assume that it couldn’t possibly contain anything objectionable to little Susie, and thence to scream their fool heads off to scandal-hungry muckrakers when the truth comes out.

      Which is stupid, of course, but that doesn’t mean Lego is wrong to worry about it. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that groups of loud, stupid people can do tremendous damage.

      In any case, as the article mentions, Lego eventually realized that it was simply impossible to implement a 100% effective pre-screening against dicks, so they’re just going to deal with things as best they can after the fact.

      • TechnicalBen says:

        It’s a kids game. Or more importantly, it’s an online (thus not kids) game.

        So the games creators have 2 choices. Make it an 18 plus game and not police it. Or make it a 5/8+ game and police it.

        99% of society would expect the same in a kids ball pit/adventure park. It’s not acceptable in real life, so why should it be in a virtual world where creepy and dangerous people can hide behind a PC screen?

    • Phasma Felis says:

      BTW, if you’re suggesting that people don’t build giant voxular dicks all over the place in Minecraft, well, you might want to look into that. There’s a big chunk of the world population that, given a new medium and the chance to create anything they can imagine, will create a dick.

      • DelrueOfDetroit says:

        Like nobody else but me was cutting out metallic wangs in the new Wolfenstein.

      • PseudoKnight says:

        In the over four years that I’ve run a small-to-medium sized server, I’ve maybe seen two penises. It’s really not at all as common as people say it is. Based on years of evidence, you can safely joke about how people always build cobblestone castles.

    • JamesTheNumberless says:

      Give players creative tools and there will be dicks (and then the dicks will design phallic objects). They do need policing to a certain extent because nipping them in the bud (is there a pun there somewhere?) is less hassle than dealing with complaints. I speak from experience working on a cock facilitating coat of arms designer for a F2P game – admins were quite grateful when I added a tool that finds designs that are suspiciously cocklike.

      This isn’t a well documented thing in Minecraft because most people play it singleplayer, and also because the scale you’d have to build it to, to get the detail in makes a convincing cock a difficult thing to pull off (there’s definitely a pun here, right?) people don’t want to have to invest hours into drawing a willy if there’s only a slight chance anyone will see it. This is why the classic drawn willy it just three curves and a variable but small number of lines (depending on volume of emissions, etc)

      • JamesTheNumberless says:

        Sorry, Minecraft cocks obviously are well documented because, well, being well documented on the internet is really something Minecraft shows all other games how to do. What I meant is that we’ve never had people making a fuss over it being possible.

      • Chaz says:

        Wow, sounds like you’ve obviously spent a lot of time looking at cock art graffiti. You should do a coffee table book on the history of it. I’ll start you off with this Roman example here at Hadrian’s wall. link to farm3.static.flickr.com I have actually seen that one myself when I did the wall walk a few years back.

    • iucounu says:

      Correct me if I’m wrong, but Minecraft doesn’t have an ‘official’ multiplayer world, does it? That is, any multiplayer is hosted on players’ own servers or those of third parties. That’s presumably why Mojang don’t need to police this stuff.

    • solidsquid says:

      Even the Mojang servers are administered by the players who are running it rather than Mojang, they just manage the hardware, so the responsibility lies with the players. Lego on the other hand has a single server which *they* administer, so the responsibility for content ends up on them. This means a much larger world population than the Mojang approach would support, but also means more work for the mods

  4. Colthor says:

    The most offensive thing here is the term “foo-foo”.

  5. Drayk says:

    Well done John Wanker !

  6. ucfalumknight says:

    The Penis can be found everywhere, even in pilots flight plans…

    link to nydn.us

  7. Jenks says:

    There should be a link on link to rockpapershotgun.com letting you know that your support makes this magic possible.

  8. JamesTheNumberless says:

    Genius, I will dedicate it to you.

  9. Swordfishtrombone says:

    My subscription is just paying for itself.

  10. xfstef says:

    …and THAT ladies and gentlemen is how NOT to run a MMO Game Project !

    I am really marked by the idiocy of those execs.

  11. gunny1993 says:

    There are several types of children who play with lego:

    The ones who build a few dicks, then move onto more interesting projects
    The ones who build a few dicks and then cant really summon the energy to progress, go play sports … where the dick becomes a holy symbol
    The ones who build a few dicks, then decide to dedicate their building lives to dick, building the most imaginative, detailed dicks you ever did see
    Those who never think to build a dick

    Basically everything is about dicks, except dicks, dicks are about power

    • Orix says:

      Put me in the latter group.

      Of all the games whereby you certainly have the tools to make digital dongs (mainly Spore and Minecraft), it has never once crossed my mind to do so. I just don’t really get it, there’s nothing particularly interesting in doing so, particularly when so many people do the same thing. Are these dick makers trying to be funny? Or risqué? Or is it a sublimation kinda thing? Or is it because they can’t think of anything better to make?


  12. Spacewalk says:

    Maybe a way to get around the willy filter would be to build it in sections in different places then align the camera to get the finished piece.

    It probably would’ve made more sense to dig a tunnel into the side of a hill and then decorate the opening to look like a smoo than to do one that stands about looking soppy. You could’ve used the drilling machine and made a few more jokes plus you could’ve gone the whole hog and made a living space inside.

    They wouldn’t be expecting that.

  13. Kala says:

    /puts on art critic hat

    are the black bricks on the bell end meant to be a pee hole? because it looks disturbingly…large. and why is there a tree/lightning bolt coming out of it? is it meant to be spunk or wee? either way – why is it green?

    I’m not quite sure what to say about the lady bottom. A game effort for an ambitious project? It’s a bit of a mess, but in fairness, I’ve seen worse. (no, not mine).

  14. RobotsForBreakfast says:

    I thought the “drilling machine” was an interesting preemptive strike against would-be penis vandals. Clearly they’re using the ‘If you can’t beat ’em [hur hur hur], join ’em’ strategy this time around.