Rest In Peace, SophiaButler

This weekend we learned the tragic news of the suicide of RPS community member SophiaButler. A loved and respected member of RPS’s Planetside 2 group, we know lots of our readers will be deeply feeling her loss.

We want to respond by encouraging people to make a donation to the Albert Kennedy Trust, a charity that provides support for LGBT 16 to 25 year olds who are homeless or living in hostile environments. And we don’t want to lose anyone else, so below are details of places you can seek help if you need support with any issues of depression or suicide.

SophiaButler will be remembered as a force to be reckoned with by many in our PS2 community. Many recall the power of her convictions, and her passion for gaming. Many are broken-hearted at losing a friend they loved. All are united in mourning the avoidable loss of such a young life. A wonderful mix of tributes have been left by those with whom she gamed.

If you would like to respond, please do leave messages below or on the forum thread, and if you’re able, make a donation in her honour to a charity that supports those in situations such as Sophia’s.

The Albert Kennedy Trust describes its mission as: “to ensure that all lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans young people are able to live in accepting, supportive and caring homes, by providing a range of services to meet the individual needs of those who would otherwise be homeless or living in a hostile environment.” Which is clearly a wonderful thing. If you want to make a donation in Sophia’s name, please do click here for a recurring donation, and here for a one-off. (For organisations or businesses that want to make a larger donation, there’s also The Purple Circle.)

The gorgeous tribute on Reddit's MillerPlanetside

If you need help or support, then in the UK you can call the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90, any time), Mind (0300 123 3393, weekdays, 9am-6pm), or NHS 111 on 111. If you’re under 19, you can also call Childline (0800 11 11).

In the US, there are lots of resources listed here, including the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255, any time) and SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline (1-877-726-4727, 8am-8pm EST).

For the rest of the world, this site provides numbers for suicide hotlines around the world. And this site has a comprehensive list of international support numbers. (There’s a weird pop-up box – clicking “okay” didn’t seem to do anything bad to my PC.)

For longer-term help, which is so brilliant a thing to do, you can visit your doctor. If your doctor is shit, or dismissive, ask to see a different doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask for referrals.

Our thoughts go out to friends and loved ones of Sophia.

We’re very conscious of concerns regarding the idea that a future suicide might result in a tribute on our website. Nope. If someone else were to do it now, there’d be nothing. Do not.


  1. Premium User Badge

    Aerothorn says:

    Thank you for posting this, RPS. She will be missed.

  2. King_Rocket says:

    So young, what a terrible shame.

  3. Shadow says:

    My condolences.

  4. yan spaceman says:

    Very sad. Thoughts go out to family and friends. Depression is a cruel and indiscriminate disease.

  5. Orangeban says:

    My prayers go out to her :( This is so horrendous. I’m so sorry.

  6. JoeTom86 says:

    Rest in peace Sophia

  7. Hobbes says:

    “We’re very conscious of concerns regarding the idea that a future suicide might result in a tribute on our website. Nope. If someone else were to do it now, there’d be nothing. Do not.”

    The worst part isn’t the suicides you see, though my condolences to Sophia and those affected by her loss. It’s the ones you don’t.

    There’s nothing worse than dying and literally nobody knowing you even existed, or even caring that you died. The world moves on, and all that’s left of your passing is simply a note at the bottom of some coroners’ record, and a death certificate. For some, that’s the very tipping point that sends them over into the abyss, that there is nobody left to notice when they move on, or that they fear that point is coming, so they would rather end it before that point comes, at least knowing someone -might- notice that they died.

    It’s why sometimes attempts are known as “Cries for help”, because some part of us still wants deep down to know that someone out there gives a damn about us. Except sometimes we find out that nobody does, or the people we thought did, didn’t. Then you find out the circle of people who do care shrinks sharply, and you find you leave a piece of yourself behind once more. You find there’s not much of you left, so you force a smile for the world, you pretend everything is okay, you get on with things, but inside that hollow feeling starts taking you apart bit by bit.

    Then you find you’ve run out of “You”, and all that’s left is either the knife or the bottle of pills or the car and the vacuum hosepipe. Then you just ask if you’ll be remembered as anything more than a note on a coroners diary.

    For a fair number of people in that position, that is all they get.

    • TheRealHankHill says:

      Only two reasons I haven’t just killed myself at this point: knowing what it would do to my family and marijuana. Weed can exacerbate it of course but it all depends on your consumption patterns and predisposition. I fucked my brain with research chemicals and will deal with this bs for the rest of my life, I’m just apathetic enough to be able to deal with it and get to the next day. Knowing that there are people that would be affected by this has played a huge role in keeping me here, your comment has a fair bit of substance.

      • SlimShanks says:

        I can relate. I have no idea what I would have done if it wasn’t for weed. Even with it I still felt so awful for so long that I constantly questioned why I was alive. No one was there for me. My family told me to get over it. My classmates laughed at me. The adults in my life tried to put me on pills. This was five years ago, when I was 16 and my girlfriend left me. Some might think that is stupid, but she really was my entire world. I’ve never been close to being as happy as I was then. I still dream about her. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I had lost, and how it was never coming back. It consumed me.
        But when I blazed, I could stop thinking about it all so damn much for a while. For years I existed in a state of stoned partial consciousness, just trying not to think about anything. Over time I cared less and less. I never really resolved those issues, but I did manage to move past them…mostly. Eventually I started enjoying things a little, like videogames, and getting satisfaction from small things in my life. I even got used to being alone.
        Sometimes apathy is the best you can aim for. Sometimes we just need some time to come to terms with our problems. And frequently we need some support. If dope is the only one you have, use it. Try not to abuse it. But in the end, you do what you have to do to get through the day, right? Don’t let anyone look down on you for it. If they do… whoop their ass. Your life sucks enough, you don’t have to take anyone’s crap. Remember, there is no sorrow which cannot be overcome by scorn.
        Anyways, I just wanted to let you know I feel you, and that things can get better if you stick it out.
        That said I still blaze every day… ehh whatever. Hope to see you posting some stuff in the future!

    • Noam Beefheart says:

      Yeah, weed definitely makes the stress go away. I haven’t had any in weeks and my mind feels like it’s an ever-expanding rubber about to snap.

  8. Grizzly says:

    I’ve known Sophia in several ways: As a Planetside 2 enthusiast, as a forum member and as a person I had to converse with as a forum moderator. In all instances she showed an immense strength of character. On PS2, she acted in a way that ensured that the people near her had fun, often leading squadrons or encouraging people to help support the vehicles she was driving. On the forum, she wore her heart on her sleeve and was not afraid to show her character or to indicate that certain things were hurting her. When this did not go well and I had to step in as a moderator, she asked me how she could do better to avoid such situations. She was, in short, a fundamentally good person.

    Yet she had every reason not to be. She was transgender: Her mind was fundamentally incompatible with her body, a fact that one is reminded of on a daily basis by even the most simple of activities. Even something as mundane as taking a shower can be an agonizing experience for transgender people, as they are harshly reminded of a difficult situation they’d rather forget. Our society is not kind either: It would rather use a hammer to ram a square peg in a round hole rather then realize that their puzzle was flawed from the start. It is enough to make someone bitter, cynical and reclusive.

    And yet she held her ground. She made slip ups just as any other person would, but it’s a testament to her incredibly tough skin that she was able to be strong presence regardless in a world that is too eager to kick people whilst their down. I shudder to think what kind of level of anger and despair she was driven to for her depression to overpower her and force her into ending her life.

    Sophia, YOU MADE THE FRONTPAGE YOU TERRIFICALLY AWESOME PERSON. And you will be dearly missed :'(

    • Elliot Lannigan says:

      as a person who identifies not with their birth gender but cannot do anything about it due to an extremely conservative family and unquittable conservative job, who also struggles with depression and occasional suicidal thoughts, this is quite a wonderful set of words you have written and it made my day better to read it. thank you.

      • jrodman says:

        Indeed, those factors are precisely why some transgender people are so much at risk.
        It’s one of the reasons I feel strongly that San Francisco’s choice to provide a baseline of support specifically to transgender people of low to medium income is the right thing to do, because transgender and homeless is pretty much a terrible combination.

        I wish you success in building a support network outside your current situation.

        I will say though that if people know about your situation and are negative about it but not in complete denial, it’s quite possible they will come around, given some years.

      • Paul B says:

        Indeed, if only we could get to the point where changing your birth-gender was a completely unremarkable thing to do. People wouldn’t stare, you wouldn’t get shouted at in the street, your family and work colleagues would be fully supportive of your decision, and it would be a completely natural thing to be able to do (because to those born as the wrong gender, it is a completely natural desire to want to be the opposite gender).

        I’m speaking as someone who suffers from gender-dysphoria, but because of society’s opinion of transgender people (and the fact I live in a small town with small-town views) I cling to my birth gender and try to ignore it. I think things are getting better for transgender people, but only incrementally so and at such a slow pace. However, maybe one day in the far future, I’ll be able to transition without any negative consequences – that’s what I hope.

        • Premium User Badge

          The Borderer says:

          replying to Elliot Lannigan and Paul B

          I understand your fears. I transitioned in a socially conservative city (Carlisle, UK) and I very nearly didn’t make it out alive, I ended up long term disabled with PTSD. I can’t play online multiplayer anymore because some people don’t know the difference between a thin skin and deep, painful wounds that never healed properly, or they just don’t care. I did make it out though, I’m living somewhere else now and I’m slowly recovering.

          Don’t make the mistake I made, keep looking for a way out of your situation to somewhere more trans-friendly and try to keep hope.

  9. DuncanIdah0 says:

    Terrible news, I am deeply sorry. I only play PS2 occasionally, but she seemed to me a very nice and sweet person, always trying to bring fun for the rest of us.

    Descanse en paz.

  10. capitalgains says:

    This is very distressing. It is very sad to lose any one in such a community, and one who was so fondly cared for by people she did not meet in life, but shared time with in the internet. Is there an address available to send flowers to womans?

  11. Riaktion says:

    I don’t often take part in the RPS community events beyond chatting to some RPS’ers who are now Steam friends and commenting here and there, so sadly I never knew or had any dealings with Sophia. To those who did and to her family, let me express my condolences and of course any news like this in any walk of life in just tragic. Fingers crossed we don’t see this again and echo everything RPS has said, don’t suffer in silence and do all you can to be brave and seek help. Sad news and again, my sympathies to those affected.

  12. Duke of Chutney says:

    ahh man, this is terrible.

    Only played a few games with her, but she seemed really fun.

  13. edwardh says:

    I’m sure I’ll provoke a lot of anger but what the hell… it’s exactly events like this that remind me why I should not shut up.

    Because the truth of the matter is that the world sucks a LOT for quite a few people. Doug Stanhope once said (paraphrasing) “It’s sad when young people commit suicide because they didn’t really give it a shot. But life is like a movie – if you’ve lived it for a while and it has sucked every step of the way, people shouldn’t blame you for walking out early.”

    But I would go even further… I have never been blind to the fact to how shitty many people are and how brutal the world overall is but various events and recapping the past have made me realize that even THAT was a naive, childlike way of looking at things and I have not come across a single work of art yet that deals with how rotten humanity truly is. Frankly… I myself don’t want to talk about it either because it’s bad enough that I’ve come to realize it.

    But… that realization made me wonder… over a decade ago, I was relatively close to committing suicide myself. And now I can’t help but wonder whether I wouldn’t have been better off had I gone through with it. Because while obviously, I felt like life wasn’t worth living back then, I still believed that there are others like me somewhere out there. Nice, sensitive people who would just like to enjoy life but simply can’t due to their environment. Now, I don’t believe that any more. So would it not have been better to die while I still had some hope in my heart? Something positive about the world that would have made it a bittersweet farewell?

    What’s the point of me writing this? Well… it isn’t just one.
    It’s a way of arguing against all that “if you’re depressed, go seek help”. Because you know what? If there weren’t so many assholes, people like Sophia wouldn’t get depressed in the first place. She and other depressed people are not the problem, assholes are. It is THEM who should go through therapy in order to learn how to treat others decently. But I suppose then 50% of the world’s population would have to become therapists in order to treat the other 50%. And who would take care of asshole therapists?
    It’s also a way of demonstrating my empathy with her and anybody who commits suicide.
    And it’s trying to convey a message of hope – maybe things would have been worse for her had she kept on living. But again, it’s up to every single one to change this world so it won’t be necessary for anyone to escape the pain it causes any more. And I feel that I can write that with such confidence because I have not met anyone who I would call “decent” in years. Everybody is just lying and using others (and those are the “nicer” ones I’ve come across). Please try to break through that cycle…

    • jrodman says:

      I don’t really think this is the place to debate your worldview. But I would suggest the ugliness you are perceiving as the norm is not the norm. Not to say ugliness isn’t common, I agree it is.

    • edwardh says:

      I was also just reminded of this song… Based on the article and depressed people I’ve met in the past, I feel that it is fitting…

      “Some people think you have a problem
      But that problem lies only with them”

    • w0bbl3r says:

      I see your point entirely.
      I have been diagnosed by a few specialist head-shrinkers and doctors over the years with anti-social personality disorder.
      However, after prolonged sessions with these doctors, they claim I am the most socially conscious ASPD sufferer in the world. Because it is exactly the anti-social state of society right now that causes my disdain and deep depression.
      Every time I see an old lady struggling to get something from the top shelf in a store, with people just walking past looking at their phones, I want that person to die. And this happens a lot.
      Every time I see kids acting out, with parents busy on facebook as they walk the streets, their kids wreaking havoc, I want to slap that asshole and take their kids away from them.
      The world today is a disgusting place. Taxi driver had it right, full of filth, skunk pussies and scum. And these are your “average” members of society today.
      As much as I love gaming, technology and the internet, it has caused a massive wave in anti-social tendencies.
      It is now a proven fact that kids are growing up with severely stunted social skills, because they can’t interact with people properly in the real world. They are being allowed to forego english, and use “text speak”, in school, ffs.
      Society is doomed.
      This is the cause of my depression, and it only gets worse as society falls deeper into this disgusting way of living.

    • Stevostin says:

      Thing is… Everyone is someone’s asshole. Well maybe not exactly, but you get the idea.

      While I share to a certain extent your bitterness toward the state of the world, I think that you’re actually quite wrong on a pragmatical level, as in, what can make a difference here.

      Suicide explained to people unfamiliar with the idea: suicide is a defense mechanism for when suffering, whether physical or psychological, becomes too much for too long, without any hope for it to get any better. It’s another of this actually clever bits in human design: suffering is here to help us do the best for ourselves, but if that doesn’t work, there’s a failsafe mechanism so that you don’t endure useless suffering forever. That failsafe is depression

      Now exactly like pain it’s not a perfect mechanism either. The same way you can do something silly while in pain you can terminate yourself for something that was actually not asking for it. Here comes the extra bit: craft/science/knowledge, ie bread & butter manking trying to make its life more bearable. And indeed there are plenty of things someone with the right background can tell to someone in depression that can make a difference. The very simple info above – you want to kill yourself because you’re suffering too much and see no end to it rather than “because the world” or “because you’re broken inside” generally helps in my experience. Because all of a sudden, there is indeed something to do: contemplate the pain to see how to make it more bearable.

      • Jediben says:

        Failsafe in suicide? Suffer forever? We’re mortal, deaths guaranteed. Nothing lasts indefinitely. To think otherwise or pretend that it isn’t so to try to justify an action is to defy logic and the humans innate depression of the unavoidable fact that it will stop no matter if you want it to or not.

        • Asurmen says:

          Funnily enough, it’s pretty hard to think logically about anything during depression.

    • Kollega says:

      I don’t know what anyone is going to say to this, but… maybe you are just living in the wrong places?

      Now don’t get me wrong, the world is horrible enough pretty much anywhere to drive people into depression – but some parts of it are more horrible than others. In present-day Russia, you can be assaulted or even outright beaten in the street just for wearing a T-shirt with an American flag on it. If you get wounded in a mugging attempt in New York, nobody is likely to bother with doing anything to help you. Now compare that to small, progressive European countries like Iceland or the Netherlands, where there’s at least a chance, however small, that people will notice your plight, and that they will care.

      So yes, people tend to be assholes, but as Stevostin above me rightly noted, all of us are assholes to someone sometimes, and it’s worth trying to be as little of an asshole to as few people as possible – and yes, some places are just downright horrible if you happen to be different, but some small parts of the world have juuuuust about started to climb out of that horribleness and become at least acceptable to live in. And while changing your place of residence can be a monumental task sometimes, it’s very rarely impossible. Hell, people risk their lives every day so that they can live somewhere better than some war-torn hellhole or repressive police state. Some will call those people “stupid” for trying to change their situation, but if I know anything about humanity, it’s that we as a species have created an infinite amount of wonders and horrors trying to change our situation, so hell, there must have been something to it.

      Moral of the story: attmepting to change things for the better may only work sometimes, perhaps even extremely rarely, but nihilistic despair solves problems exactly never. So go on and try something, like finding a better place to live, instead of just killing yourself. Who knows, maybe you’ll succeed and your life will actually get better. That’s what I’m thinking myself, anyway.

    • Nereus says:

      I thought this was going to be a “pull your bootstraps up and stop being depressed post”, but I agree.

      I’ve been awful close to suicide many times. No amount of ‘get help’ solves anything. The only things that help are friends that love and care for me and opiates. Only one of those are available on demand (despite being illegal). Simply put, the hole in many peoples lives can’t always be filled by psychotherapy and endless prescriptions of antidepressants and it would be lovely if people didn’t treat depression, severe depression, as something that can be cured by somebody with enough experience. Many times it is a product of their environment and fixing it can be very, very difficult if not impossible. In my case, I can’t make people be my friend, nor can I make anybody love me.

      For some people, living is more painful than anybody around them knows and while I often see the argument “you have no idea how much pain you would cause by doing something like killing yourself” from people who have no idea what it’s like to be living with permanent emotional scars on the magnitude that these people have and expecting them to live with that pain just to spare some hurt feelings from relatives is equally selfish.|

      Anyway, never met SophiaButler but I’m glad that whatever pain she was in is over, I’m just sorry that it turned out this way.

    • ReV_VAdAUL says:

      Yeah sadly evil has been on the ascendant for a few decades now. We live in a society where greed, dishonesty and callousness are rewarded and decency is punished. I can’t blame anyone for committing suicide when FYGM is the driving ideal of the vast majority of the population. Unless the direction of society changes drastically suicide is going to be the only reasonable choice for an increasing section of the population.

    • John O says:

      I don’t agree entirely. (Medical) depression isn’t caused by anything in the environment. It just appears and fucks up your life. In the process, it destroys your ability to cope with assholes. And nobody knows exactly how it works. OTOH, I agree that for some people, life is just shitty. We’re a minority that I feel nobody really likes to talk about. My life certainly hasn’t been much fun up to this point.

      • John O says:

        Just to clarify, of course your life can be shitty without a depression, depending on circumstances.

        • Nereus says:

          Depression can and often is caused by the environment. There have been numerous studies on how isolation can warp the mind – to the point where prolonged studies aren’t able to be done for ethical reasons. Many environmental factors can influence brain chemistry. Hell, environmental contaminants can damage brain chemistry – where endocrine disruptors (common chemicals found in things like plastics, that mimic hormones) can do damage to a person’s psychological profile. Drug abuse (that is, dopamine promoting drugs) can effect the body’s ability to produce dopamine long term, and if abused enough will leave somebody in a permanent down state. I’m not suggesting any of these were related to this person’s death, just providing a few examples.

          I suspect you were suggesting that some people are predisposed genetically to depression, but that is also influenced by the environment because there are many factors that can cause genes to activate or be suppressed in our environment (such as Histone and DNA methylation) and there are many diseases that occur when the environment changes and genes get knocked out.

          • John O says:

            I don’t think it’s that clear. While for some people, the environment can lead to depression, others cope under similar circumstances. I wasn’t trying to imply that it’s genetic (although I can see how my post can look like that). I think in many cases, you can’t point at a single cause. Maybe the environment triggered something, maybe it created something.

            My point is mostly that it’s a delicate matter. The post I replied to said “If there weren’t so many assholes, people like Sophia wouldn’t get depressed in the first place”, and we just don’t know if that’s the case. I had no reason to “start getting depressed”, and neither had most of those with depression I know or met at the clinic I went to.

          • Premium User Badge

            The Borderer says:

            48% of transpeople in the UK under 26 have attempted suicide. This rate drops by half for transpeople in supportive environments. This would suggest that environment does play a big part in transpeoples depression.

            Maybe depression isn’t the right condition. I have a friend who thinks that PTSD would be a more accurate diagnosis for transpeople. Going through the wrong kind of puberty can be very traumatic.

        • OmNomNom says:

          I’m sure there are some happy people living in some of the shittiest places on this earth. It’s all about circumstance amd making do. Comparing to others can often make things harder

    • bill says:

      I think, or at least hope, that there are decent people everywhere. But it can be hard to see it at times.

      Most people aren’t decent all the time, and many people are assholes at times. But those same assholes can also be good people at other times. Those parents using facebook while their kids act up might also be the best parents in the world at other times.

      Life can be hard at times, and I’m much more likely to be an asshole when I’m caught up in my stress and worries. But I basically decided long ago that there’s not a lot of point in worrying about how others behave, as that is out of my control. All I can control is how I behave, and I will do my best to be nice to people and give them a helping hand wherever necessary.
      Sometimes all we can see is negative, but sometimes people will surprise you and sometimes, if we are lucky or can find a way to do it, we can see the wonder or beauty or happiness that exists in the world.

    • Sui42 says:

      Human beings have succeeded, much like other species, because of diversity. Any population contains Nice People and Assholes. Both sets of people have traits which can help a society of humans succeed.

      Around the turn of the 20th century, we realised we had a choice: we could organise our society around Nice Ethics (Socialism) or Asshole Ethics (Capitalism). We chose the latter.

      Well, that’s a gross oversimplification, obviously. We actually chose a mixture of the two (any society which has taxation, and Things Wot Tax Pays for, like roads and street lights and garbage collection, is a partially socialist society. Sorry, Americans). But recently things have been slanting more and more to the Asshole side (seriously fuck off Thatcher and Reagan and Blair and fucking George fucking Osbourne). And while humans can be born with traits both Nice and Asshole in nature, I think it is society’s job to teach people: don’t be an Asshole. Be Nice. And right now, our society is grossly failing in this regard. It’s saying: “only Assholes can be happy. For god’s sake, don’t be Nice, or you’re a commie fucker who will die poor and unhappy”.

      BUT. But but but. The world moves quicker than we think it does. Right now, social tides are shifting and crashing and changing. There will always be Nice people and Assholes, but the society which envelops and nurtures us is still young. In 1,000 years they will look back on us, and realise we were stuck in a societal dark age. Things WILL get better.*

      *But they will get worse first. I believe the greatest challenge our species has ever known is right around the corner. The 21st century is going to be defined by the largest World War ever known – the war against climate change. And just like the end of WW2 resulted in the Welfare state for Britain, I think the Climate War will shift our society into the ‘Nice Ethics’ camp.

      And if it doesn’t? We’re all going to die as assholes. Climate change is going to hit the poorest parts of the world the hardest, and the only reason the rich / wealthy nations are rich and wealthy is because they are propped up by the poor countries in this sick fucking feudal world economy we have created, which we pretend is ‘fair’ but which is really just slavery on a global fucking scale


      • Sui42 says:

        ASLO, to steer this back onto the topic of depression:

        If the state of the world makes you depressed, maybe try and do something about it?

        (I say ‘maybe’ not in a sarcastic way, but as a genuine ‘maybe’, because I am aware of how difficult it is to do *anything* when you are depressed)

        I have also heard that depression can be caused by feeling like you do not have control over your current situation. But if your depression is caused by The World and Assholes, know this: you DO have control. Maybe not a lot, but you have a voice, and you have access to the largest megaphone ever made (this here internet). So do not dare to think that you do not have ANY control.

        • rodan32 says:

          That’s a good point. I can’t fix the whole world, but I can, to borrow from my friend Tolkien, “uproot the evil in the fields I know, that those who come after may have clean earth to till.” Much of the angst of the age is we’re more aware of all the horror in faraway places, where we’re powerless to act. But we can act powerfully in our homes and neighborhoods. There’s someone you know who needs help. Go help them. You’ll feel better about your own problems, and you’ll do some real good. Marches, protests, internet campaigns? Mostly bovine stool. Either you’re asking for a stranger to help a cause (marches and protests) or you’re on your fat butt still. Stand up and help a neighbor. Really not a lot of more powerful ways to change the world.

          We have here the very sad death of someone many people know fairly well in a limited context. Who are the people we see every morning who need help? Who are the people we sometimes have lunch with? Who are the people at work or school or church or clubs? I hope the hurt that comes from this remote (to me) suffering makes me do a little better with the people I see every day who are hurting. No excuses.

      • Jediben says:

        No the largest war will be against Ideas which are not universally accepted. There is no tolerance and the only solution is a Final one. How long it will be before the conflict truly begins is unknown but it is coming and the battle will rage from within as soon as without. And it will already be lost because the roots gave been allowed into the soil too long.

  14. airtekh says:

    Such a shock. Very sad.

    I didn’t know Sophia for very long, but I had the privelege of riding around in her Harasser (a buggy with a mounted gun) several times in Planetside 2.

    As anyone who rode with her can testify, Sophia’s way of life was such that if we didn’t end a Harasser session upside down and on fire, then we weren’t having fun.

    I will miss her for that.

  15. Orontes says:

    I remember playing a few games of Dota 2 with her a while back. She seemed to like it, and we liked playing with her. I also remember her preference for playing female characters only (Luna, Drow Ranger, Enchantress), although she did play Axe once because he was so over-the-top manly. I also caught a few glimpses of a wicked sense of humour when she showed us her avatar pic!

    It’s such a shame she didn’t play more games of Dota 2 with us as I would have liked to have known her better. My heart goes out to her family and friends and the Planetside 2 people who I know miss her dearly. I always saw her name in the Planetside channel in the Mumble chat, and I always got a bit annoyed she went there instead of playing with us!

    You’ll be missed by many Sophia, rest in peace.

  16. Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    A sadness. So many teeter on that brink.

  17. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    Oh God. May she rest in peace. And may we all endeavour to, in our lifetimes, make the lives of others a little bit better. And if I read the comments correctly, that’s what she did.

  18. twaitsfan says:

    Deep sadness and condolences.

  19. SanguineAngel says:

    I barely knew Sophia but in the brief exchanges we had it was patently obvious how kind and generous she was.

  20. montorsi says:

    Rest in peace. :( I fear we are failing so many of our young people, that they feel despair over their identity. Wherever we go after this world, I hope she’s in a better place.

  21. Ooops says:

    I’m not really active in the forum (and not at all in PS2) so I didn’t know Sophia, but you responded to this drama in the best possible way. Just donated a small amount myself. I hope it helps a kid in distress.

  22. GreatBigWhiteWorld says:

    Thank you for publishing this story. I think maybe it’s time to get off my lazy, self-loathing ass and maybe attempt to help others instead of wallowing in my own misery.

  23. davorable says:


  24. aircool says:

    Sad news. She was always very lively and vocal in PS2. Her comments were always cheerful and entertaining.

  25. Sinomatic says:

    Thanks for posting this.

    I’m away at the moment and I still can’t quite believe she won’t be there when I get back, sitting in the mumble channel, leading a vehicle squad as she always seemed to be, or getting certain folk’s backs up on the forum. I can only hope that donations to the linked charity help another young lgbt person to pull through so that it doesn’t come to this for them.

    We’re going to miss you Sophia.

  26. Duke Nukem says:

    She will be missed. May she find a better world in death than what she found while being alive.

  27. cpt_freakout says:

    I never really participate in anything, so I didn’t know Sophia or anyone, but my condolences to everyone who knew her. Hopefully a donation will help someone in the brink, but we all know it’s much, so much more, than that what needs to be done.

  28. SlimShanks says:

    I didn’t know her, but it is tremendously sad that she had to go this far to escape what was hurting her. It isn’t right that for so many the only way to keep going is to endure pain. I hope that when the opportunity comes to change this awful state of affairs, there will be no hesitation. We absolutely cannot allow a world like this to continue existing.
    Rest in Peace. At least nothing can hurt her any more.

  29. Simplisto says:

    I’m transgender too, but rather than go on a rant (as tempting as it is) I just want to add a number to the list of UK helplines.

    Rather than calling 111, I would highly recommend calling the NHS Crisis Team at 0303 1231145. You will put through to a specialist nurse, and if they aren’t able to help over the phone they can send a nurse straight out to see you. This service is available 24/7.

  30. gummybearsliveonthemoon says:

    I’m not on the discussions here often, so I didn’t know her.

    But my condolences to everyone who knew her.

    I hope we can get to a world where we don’t drive people to suicide for who they are.

  31. Tim Ward says:

    Sounds like you (RPS community) gave this person one of the few and perhaps only spaces where she felt safe & accepted and brought at least some happiness into this young person’s short life.

    That is not nothing.

  32. bill says:

    Rest in Peace.
    I didn’t have a chance to get to know her, but I’ve seen her around and she seemed nice. Very sad news.

  33. OmNomNom says:

    This sucks, so sad. Reading stuff like this does make me feel like trying to be less of an arsehole for the time i have here.

    • rabbit says:

      do it brother

      I’ve spent a lot of my life being a fucking jerk. The hat still fits occasionally, though to a lesser extent. But … I just feel like at the end of it all, I can’t think of many better things for someone to have done than to have improved the lives of those around them. And being that neither one of us is gunna find the cure for cancer, that seems like the best, easiest, most accessible way we can achieve that.

      I’m far from perfect — faaaaaar far from perfect — but I feel better about the world and about myself since I started spending more effort on trying to improve things than I spend on trying to get my own back for perceived injustices. I recommend it. It’ll improve life not only for yourself but also for the people around you and, in a lot of cases, for the people around them too. There’s enough of a correlation between being treated well and treating other people well that it seems like a really worthwhile endeavour to try and be the one to start that motion.

  34. dangermouse76 says:

    Very sad to hear and my condolences go out to family and friends. And a reminder to myself to be available to my friends and family who may need a sympathetic ear, or a shoulder to lean on.

  35. Jakkar says:

    Damn. When I saw SophiaButler in a squad I knew I could trust that squad to get things done. I didn’t trust many players that way. SB was undeniably one of those who made up the conglomerate (vanu*) soul of Rock Planet Shotgun.

    Feel a small sense of failure to have not gotten to know her better during my times withthe crew.

    Goodbye, Sophia. I’m sorry we didn’t help you more.

  36. Gothnak says:

    I went through bouts of mild depression earlier in my life mainly due to being permanently and seemingly irrevocably single until my late 20’s, the whole ‘forever alone’ meme was never so apt.

    I also agree with one of the other posters about the usual forms of depression are usually triggered by other people being assholes rather anything initially internal. Whenever one of my friends gets depressed about something (usually said or done by someone else) i always try and get them to stop being depressed about it (There is nothing wrong with them) and get angry (The other person was being an asshole) as Anger is a much better negative emotion to have than self pity.

    I don’t know where i’m going with this, probably along the lines of, however bad things get, things do get better. I’m 40 now, and I got married to a fellow geek last month. We are very happy hating all the unpleasant, stupid and bigoted people in the world, together.

  37. rabbit says:

    Two times survivor myself. And I’m glad I survived. Cause it always gets better. Always. That just isn’t the point when you’re staring down a long dark tunnel with no obvious end in sight.
    My thoughts go out to everybody who loved her, everybody who knew her well, and everybody who knew her well enough to be wishing right now that they’d known her better.

  38. Synesthesia says:

    Very sad news. My thoughts to her and her loved ones.