Witcher 3 Patch Notes: Gravity Will Apply To All Horses

Look at it. Menacing everyone and everything.

“Various improvements to horse behavior”. That was a patch note Marsh showed me last week. I had hoped it was one of God’s own patch notes and He was finally going to address the problems with those four-legged jerks but apparently it was CD Projekt Red talking about The Witcher 3 [official site] and the upcoming 1.07 patch. Disappointing.

“What’s the problem with these digital horses then? Why are we fixing them when real ones are left wandering about?” I asked Alice as I pointed my beer at her in an accusatory manner.

She tells me that when she summons hers sometimes it stands on the wrong side of a fence and is confused and stupid. I don’t know any horses personally but they tend to tower over me in a menacing way when they are in the vicinity and always look like they are up to no good. Alice’s description sounded like a thing I imagine a real horse would do so I decided to check the finished patch notes for further explanation. I mean, so far it sounded like TOP NOTCH HORSE AI.

“Fixes an issue whereby the player’s horse would often stop abruptly before bridges or other narrow passages.”

That still sounds like really good horse AI to me. Or any supposedly domesticated animal with whom you can enter into a battle of wills.

“Fixes a rare issue where the player’s horse would not fall to the ground properly.”

That’s more interesting. Horse swooning? Unless they mean dying. Do they mean dying? I didn’t know companion horses could die in games until Red Dead Redemption happened and I rode my horse off a cliff thinking it would be fine and then it stopped moving so I tried to get back on it and then there was red all over the screen and I had flayed my horse because it was dead.

“Fixes an issue where in certain circumstances gravity ceased to apply to the player’s horse.”

… Yeah, okay. I guess at least in real life I don’t have to be worrying a horse might suddenly start menacing me from a hovering position.

You can read the full changelog over on the official site. In addition to horse things it’ll include a heap of quest bug fixes, the removal of some loot/money exploits and some performance improvements. CD Projekt RED say the patch is “almost here”. They delayed last week’s lot of free DLC to focus on this update.

Side note: If you add in patch 1.05 which had “Geralt’s clothes will no longer be wet after leaving the menu” I think The Witcher 3 might be my new favourite source of patch note entertainment.

36 Comments

  1. jrodman says:

    Are you sure they aren’t just trolling Skyrim?

    • Janichsan says:

      Since I’ve seen videos with the horse floating about 10 meters up in the air, I guess not.

  2. vanturache says:

    I’m still waiting for the expansion that sees you playing as a monk attempting to ride a very, very stubborn donkey.

  3. ran93r says:

    I’m only a mere 20 hours in but I have only seen one Roach bug, after a fast travel we spawned at the destination about 4 feet in the air, I waited and after about 5 seconds we dropped back down to the ground.
    I have seen all the glitch videos but personally I’m quite pleased with how they got it working.

    • nearly says:

      I’ve noticed that when I save, it actually moves Geralt a foot or so backwards and to one of the directions. I had noticed that I was loading into positions that I didn’t remember having saved in (in a river rather than on the bridge) but didn’t really pick up on it until I noticed the screen looked a little different while saving. Seems like a strange behavior.

  4. cafeoh says:

    I wish they fixed the bug where Roach’s model would be swapped with an equidae, when it clearly is an oil tanker

  5. esge says:

    all i could think about seeing the gravity fix:
    The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy states: “There is an art to flying, or rather a knack. Its knack lies in learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss. … Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, that presents the difficulties.”

  6. Twirls says:

    Office humor dry as twigs – ✔

  7. vanturache says:

    Roach bug, epic :)

  8. SpiceTheCat says:

    I spend a fair amount of my free time sitting on or cleaning up after the aforementioned four-legged jerks, and “an issue whereby the player’s horse would often stop abruptly before bridges or other narrow passages” sounds pretty accurate. The gravity issue only needs changing to “horse believes gravity ceased to apply to the player’s horse”.

    For proper horse AI, they also need to patch in “Horses will now take fright at small bags”, “Horses will only walk sideways, slowly, past apparently innocuous bushes”, “Random chance for horses to ignore barking dogs but be terrified of sheep”, and “Horses will only walk behind other horses”.

    • Dawngreeter says:

      I was having a pretty lousy morning until I read this comment. Thank you, kind cat.

    • Diziet Sma says:

      Can you write more of these? :-D That cheered me up no end.

      • pepperfez says:

        Or, better, write a Witcher 3 horse-behavior mod?

      • LennyLeonardo says:

        I too have served the overlords, and am loving this thread.

        “Random chance for horse to bite player. Completely random. 1 billion damage.”
        and
        “Random chance that Roach will not come when called. Player must spend three hours sitting in a field with back to Roach jangling loose change and eating polos,” come to mind.

        • Geebs says:

          Also, “horse treads on your foot, waits for a few seconds and then shifts entire weight on to that foot”, “horse pees immediately before being let out of the stable, every single time”, and “horse is going THIS way now”.

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      phuzz says:

      Well, hopefully v1.08 can fix “Horse grazes whilst ignoring the ape on it’s back, no matter how many times the ape pulls on the reins, digs heels in, makes clicking noises, or sobs ‘please just start walking!'”.

  9. iHavePants says:

    As someone who was made to ride horses a lot as a kid, can confirm the buggers hate crossing bridges. Or walking past a new scary branch monster on the side of the road that they’re unfamiliar with.

  10. Turkey says:

    Gravity will apply to all horses!

  11. melnificent says:

    Horse Ai updated to 90% evil. The remaining 10% to be plotting evil.

  12. popej says:

    There’s nothing like a bit of horse based mirth on a Monday morning.

  13. Hunchback says:

    Hope they also finally fix the random crashing to desktop. And the weird “LMB no longer works in combat” one, which makes you reload to finish a fight.

  14. Freud says:

    I hope the last free DLC for Witcher 3 will be horse armor.

  15. TacticalNuclearPenguin says:

    Horses trying to make you lose the race by getting stuck near a bridge when sprinting. Now THAT would be something to fix.

    Actually, good old Roach seems to be scared of some invisible stuff aswell.

    • TacticalNuclearPenguin says:

      Uh, seems like i can’t read, didn’t hope they would fix precisely that.

  16. Frings says:

    The best most entertaining patch notes still are, and likely forever will be, The Sims patch notes.

    (Seriously, guys, google it. Examples:
    “Fixed an issue that could cause a teen to be trapped in a child’s body when travelling to the future at the exact moment of a birthday.”
    “Sims who are on fire will no longer be forced to attend graduation before they can put themselves out.”
    “Sims can no longer “Try for Baby” with the Grim Reaper.”)

  17. SuicideKing says:

    You folks should cover Arma 3 patch notes as well, they have stuff like:

    •Fixed: Rabbit infestation on both islands
    •Fixed: Politely asked the Time Trial Marshal to resume firing his Starter Pistol