British Invasion: War Thunder Adding Tanks From Blighty

War Thunder [official site] – A Poem

O succulent tank porn and its lusty armour
My heart is like an empty field and you its farmer
Your tanky face, those tanky eyes
Those tanky breasts, your tanky thighs
And a farmer hat that rests on your head evermore
For this is needed for completion of the metaphor

Comet, Churchill and Centurion
You are three British tanks and I a human Hungarian
Hefty cruiser, sluggish support and a massive gun, respectively
You’ll cause murder and mayhem and blow stuff up collectively.

Your function is death but does heart want to love?
Foisted into battle this winter but neglectful of
The very fact that at heart and with closer inspection
War isn’t the answer, and requires deeper reflection

<3

24 Comments

  1. SlimShanks says:

    That is by far the most finely modeled Churchill I have ever seen.
    If only Gaijin paid so much attention to balance…

    • Detocroix says:

      Balance… hmm… so tanks should be balanced against each other instead of realistic? You know… you could, easily, level up all sides and play with the “current fad” if you so desire. You are not limited to one side, not at all. I prefer the “realistic approach” they go with. Not all tanks are balanced, they weren’t balanced in WW2 and they aren’t balanced todays either.

      • Catweasel says:

        If the game was “realistic” then 95% of German tanks wouldn’t make it out of spawn without their transmissions catching fire. Realism isn’t necessarily a good thing.

        • Gap Gen says:

          Also a non-penetrating hit would cause the welds in the German tanks to come violently loose and kill the crew, and the heavier tanks would sink in soft ground. Every time you try to level up Hitler overrules you and just adds more armour. Repairs take much longer than any other nation, and all kills in a single battle are attributed to one player to make the stats look better.

        • Osi says:

          I’d also add- it would be 1 german tank vs 12 enemy.
          That was about their kill ratio.
          Wouldn’t be very fun.

      • Hebrind says:

        Well, there’s a very fine line between “realistic” and “authentic”, if I were to put my two-penneth in. Authentic experiences are usually the more enjoyable when in the realms of videogames – WT, WOT etc etc are all authentic with realistic numbers backing them up.

        It’s great that yeah there’s all these tanks that Germany made which were huge, hulking, nigh-on-invincible contraptions, but some people just want to play as a plucky Brit or a brash Yank in their Churchills and Shermans. Can’t y’just let ’em?

        • Cinek says:

          “WOT (..) realistic numbers backing them up” – let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

    • SlimShanks says:

      I guess I should have explained this more thoroughly. I am aware simulated tanks can’t be made to be balanced, but what you can do is make sure they actually go up against somewhat fair opponents. On the flip side, some tanks are dominant because they are put up against tanks that they seal club. I’m looking at you, early T-34.

      • Catweasel says:

        Those early T-34s are even tougher than ever, because they’ve made sloped armor better about shrugging rounds off, so my Panzer IIIs and their APCR have a lot more trouble penning those hulls. It’s not the end of the world for me, but boy does the game get hard when the entire rest of my team is wiped and they weren’t able to do a darn thing. But at least in higher br matches the t34s become the most fragile things on the battlefield, so it balances out I guess.

        • Smoof says:

          They become quite fragile, in fact. I was becoming very frustrated playing Soviet tanks vs Germans in the mid-tiers, as I’m stuck with a T-34-85 and an IS-1 with the same gun and just getting absolutely trounced by Tigers and Panthers.

  2. Lurid says:

    I still wish there was a proper single player mode… I hate playing with other people.
    (Yes, I know you can play with bots, but you get no progression)

  3. jack4cc says:

    …or to not making the UI look like trash, with facebook buttons and stuff.

  4. BlacKHeaDSg1 says:

    Get ready to be pent through the front of turret xD

  5. Scumbag says:

    I LOVE CHURCHILLS!
    VROOM VROOM VROOM!

  6. Troika says:

    Poetry is thy weapon

  7. zxcasdqwecat says:

    But can you rap it?

  8. EOT says:

    I think I would prefer that than WoT’s approach which was basically “we are Russian ergo all Russian tanks are better than all other tanks, especially the ones that never left the drawing board”.

    • EOT says:

      That was meant to be a reply to Detocroix. Stupid comments.

    • Cinek says:

      WT is also made by Russians and in terms of ground forces – there is also a kind of “russian bias”, though nowhere near as bad as it is in WOT. Here it’s mostly focused around tier V end-game content. Still though, IMHO at the moment it’s the most balanced game on a market when it comes to multiplayer tank combat.

    • Gap Gen says:

      I wonder if part of the issue is that some of the issues with Russian vehicles (no radios in tanks, etc) don’t translate to the game engine. I have no idea if the monstrous firepower of Russian planes (for example) was accurate, though.

      • Leland Davis says:

        Yeah, a lot of problems with “realistic” assessments of pluses and minuses don’t translate well.

        Radios, as you mentioned, with Russians having none, Germans having some, and Americans have three radios per person. German transmissions always breaking down may have been accurate, but it’s not exactly fun to sit out a match with a tank that won’t start. German tanks had great visibility and movement for the commander, which helped a lot, while the Russian tanks were cramped and hard to get around in. And the long term advantage of the Russian diesel engines vs German gasoline engines doesn’t translate at all for any sort of action game, but it really did matter.

  9. BooleanBob says:

    Reminds me of a poem written about Company of Heroes…

    Step one, you lure him past his lines
    Onto your engineer-placed mines
    Gather your rifles in a blob
    Though stickies won’t complete the job

    His grens may rush you on the right
    Your quad will help if you can kite
    Thick armour mocks you like a wall
    But engine damage marks the fall

    Order to your rangers, ‘do your worst’
    Activate armour-piercing burst
    Concentrate AT fire on the flank
    Now you know how to kill a tank