Fallout: New Vegas And The World’s Worst Timelord

I have been lost in my own TARDIS for fifteen minutes.

Having finally located it in a junk yard in Fallout: New Vegas’s Mojave Desert I appear doomed to wander its innards, experiencing all the glory of time and space that can be offered by grey corridors which don’t quite correspond to anything I can draw in two dimensions.

In short: the Fallout Who Vegas [Nexus page] mod has exposed me as the world’s worst timelord.

I installed the Doctor Who-inspired mod after Graham forwarded some information sent in by a reader. The trailer itself seemed to just be a collection of things from Doctor Who rendered in Fallout: New Vegas’ engine and offered no real sense of the experience. Then I found a tech demo video of the exact corridors I am trapped in but with Weeping Angels spawning and pursuing you whenever you turned your back.

That was a lot more promising, as was this:

“Maintain and upgrade the TARDIS as you see fit, monitoring power, fuel, shield and hull levels as you travel.

Interact with Daleks, Cybermen, Autons, Time raiders, as you traverse from location to location, fending off attacking vessels or outrunning other-worldly anomalies.”

So I shelved my fear of modding things and downloaded New Vegas. Then I had to download Nexus Mod Manager because my version was out of date. Then I had to get the script extender. Then I needed to get whatever the script extender needed. Then there were a lot of conversations about things that were downloaded and not installed and how you even tell if something exists anyway and maybe you would like to hurl the whole thing out of the window and which were the exact button presses needed for opening up the command interface in Windows 7 as an admin and why is it so hard to cope with having a Steam directory on a different drive and I REALLY MEAN IT ABOUT THE WINDOW.

Eventually I was blinking in the desert light as the WHHHHHHNNN WHHHHHHHN WHHHHHHN of a TARDIS made itself heard. It was actually a really strong moment. I’m rather fond of the wheezing blue box so having it show up in a game I’d previously drifted away from on console about a third of the way through the story made the prospect of the wasteland rather more pleasing.

Something something time paradox, something something me from the future helping current me. It’s Doctor Who plot stuff. What you need to know is that I instantly replaced my quest to meet Sunny Smiles for a Fallout tutorial with the one about finding the blue box in the junk yard.

TO THE WASTELAND!

Five minutes later I was running away from Bark Scorpions. Bark Scorpions are nippier than I remembered and kept poking me as I retreated. That’s why I turned round and tried to punch one of them to death instead. This went about as well as you can imagine.

My next route involved avoiding the Bark Scorpions. It went really well on that front, but the reason the Bark Scorpions were gone was because I had wandered into a gully stuffed with Radscorpions. I tried to punch a Radscorpion to death. It went about as well as you can imagine.

A third route took me past the camp of a few Powder Gangers. I felt like I could probably take a Powder Ganger on account of them not being a type of scorpion so cautiously approached. Well. Cautiously but also at high speed and forgetting about land mines.

After another meeting with Bark Scorpions on my fourth adventure I came to the conclusion that Fallout Who Vegas does not make the Wasteland less awful and reluctantly headed off to meet Sunny Smiles. She taught me how to shoot sarsaparilla bottles with a varmint rifle, how to make healing powder and how to shoot geckos in the face.

I felt like a fraud. The Doctor doesn’t have a gun. He’d be all like “THE GECKOS ARE LOVELY AND SOMEHOW WE CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM OF BRUTAL SURVIVAL USING HOPE AND LOVE OR WHATEVER, GOODNESS ME RADSCORPIONS ARE JUST WONDERFUL AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND NOW I WILL PULL MY ENIGMATIC FACE”.

I felt especially like a fraud when, jittery from the Radscorpions, I used the VATS system to blow the head off what turned out to be a tiny praying mantis thing. Doctor Who doesn’t really go in for slow motion killcam shots.

Still! Armed with my gun I could now get to my blue box.

Except for the part where there are still Deathclaws in the game.

Nine regenerations later and I was nearly there (although also running away from a lady in tiny knickers who wanted to punch me to death and then three men who wanted to shoot me to death).

Reaching Novac meant the chance to get patched up by a doctor and then, joy of joys! finding the TARDIS.

Inside the TARDIS was a lovingly recreated version of one of the control rooms – I think you can find other versions in the mod but this one is the version from series five of the reboot – all orangey and staircasey. A hologram of a Time Lord told me my new transportation was in need of repair and thus I began a tutorial which featured trips to a workshop and resources like “bazoolium”.

I’ve watched a lot of Doctor Who but never retained much of the lore or the detail so I have no idea how much of this is improvised and how much is from the show but I can tell you it feels about right.

Thing is, the tutorial is bugged at the moment. Either that or it’s some kind of joke about time loops and futility. I got all the way through and then you have to step outside the TARDIS but the Time Lord hologram is in the way and keeps triggering a loop of dialogue which you can never escape. The only solution I found suggested by other players was to just go back to before you spoke to him the first time and opt out of the tutorial.

And thus I am back in the TARDIS. It needs repairing and I am trying to find the workroom solo so I can build a repair kit. But without holo-dude’s guidance I am hopelessly lost. So far I have kicked a globe over in a mysterious sitting room, discovered some kind of ammunition dump, and fallen through both the wall and the floor multiple times, dying in the blackness of slightly wonky corridor implementation (or possibly faithful-to-lore potential death if the TARDIS is broken and acting out or something?).

I would like to get a bit further because I really want to see what the Weeping Angel section is like but OH MY GOD HOW DO I NAVIGATE THESE HELL CORRIDORS I THINK MY TARDIS IS LAUGHING AT ME.

25 Comments

  1. Elliot Lannigan says:

    Rock Paper Shotgun: the only website in my extensive RSS collection that I bother to individually check because the stories are so good that sometimes I miss excellent pieces whose titles don’t jump out at me through the chaos of 500 new articles a day. This article is yet another example of why that is!

  2. Asurmen says:

    Of New Whop, David Tennant is my least favourite. There, I’ve said it. To some people that is sacrilege. Loved Matt Smith.

    • Groove says:

      Congratulations, you are correct. I loved Tennant too, just less than the other three. Eccleston was my doctor.

      • InternetBatman says:

        I liked Eccleston the most of the ones I saw, but I feel kinda bad talking about the show having never seen the earlier ones.

        • Asurmen says:

          I would have liked to have seen more of him, but fully understand how is moral character didn’t let him.

    • Premium User Badge

      Philippa Warr says:

      Tom Baker was my first and favourite Doctor. I watch current Who because some episodes are good but I’m not a big fan of Moffat or Russell T’s take on the character or his relationships.

      Fun fact: Tom Baker used to live near me and shopped at the greengrocer I worked at. We chatted a tiny bit in passing but saw people recognise him and once a tiny kid asks for his autograph. Instead he kneels down and writes him a proper note. Loved seeing how delighted the kid was :)

      • DrollRemark says:

        Tom Baker was my first and favourite Doctor. I watch current Who because some episodes are good but I’m not a big fan of Moffat or Russell T’s take on the character or his relationships.

        This is the most correctest of answers.

        • Themadcow says:

          Quite possibly the only answer if it wasn’t for this bizarre parallel universe we live in where some people actually seem to prefer the borderline carry-on Doctor Who current guff to the tense horror vibe of the Tom Baker era.

      • GallonOfAlan says:

        Yes, Tom Baker is The Doctor. A golden era of strange goings-on in the English countryside and Mary Tamm.

  3. Barberetti says:

    Install the GECK, then open the mod with it and take a screenshot of the TARDIS layout. Use the screenshot as a map.

  4. geldonyetich says:

    New head canon: Dr. Who killed and died so often during his visit to the Fallout universe that he sickened of death and became a pacifist.

  5. GWOP says:

    “SOMEHOW WE CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM OF BRUTAL SURVIVAL USING HOPE AND LOVE OR WHATEVER”

    Well, only if you are willing to overlook the number of genocides the Doctor has committed. And the fact that he’s generally a total bastard.

  6. CrookedLittleVein says:

    “THE GECKOS ARE LOVELY AND SOMEHOW WE CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM OF BRUTAL SURVIVAL USING HOPE AND LOVE OR WHATEVER, GOODNESS ME RADSCORPIONS ARE JUST WONDERFUL AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND NOW I WILL PULL MY ENIGMATIC FACE”

    Ha, the Third Doctor would smoke those fools and Four might not kill them directly, but if Leela’s about he may allow them to die.

  7. Premium User Badge

    zigguratvertigo says:

    I would argue the world’s worst timelord had already been arrived at in Matt Smith. The interesting combination of sinister with 5:45 Saturday evening isn’t going to work well for that kind of narcissistic charisma free fool, but now that there’s a more recent demonstrably better variant can we maybe just forget that guy?

    • Geebs says:

      Smith was fine. He did a surprisingly good job with some truly terrible scripts.

      Doctor Who was tolerable until it decided to elevate the Doctor to the level of Advanced God, because all they had left to do was blame him for everything, all of the time. I have no idea why he didn’t just drop the harpy and the drip off in the nearest sun the twenty-sixth time they went off on a five minute monologue about how disappointed in him they were,

      • Koozer says:

        Doctor Who occupies a weird place for me in which I like the character and the idea of Doctor Who, but hate a huge amount of the writing.

    • CrookedLittleVein says:

      You’re wrong and you’re a grotesquely ugly freak.

    • Asurmen says:

      Between the two main ones, he was far better than Tennant. Tennant’s acting was fine, but the personality they chose for his incarnation and some of the plot lines were simply terrible.

      In order for a Doctor to be credible to me, he needs to have fire, he needs to look and act like someone who can do utterly terrible things and he fights it all the time. To me it’s a defining part of old Who. Tennant’s Doctor was always sunshine and puppy dogs.

      Eccleston definitely had that fire. I would have liked to have seen more from him. Capaldi seems to have it too.

  8. Mr_Blastman says:

    Tom Baker was the best, Christopher Eccleston was the second.

    • Premium User Badge

      kfix says:

      Well said, fellow old person, your opinion is valid.

      Although Jon Pertwee would give Eccleston a run for it (and beat him in a fist fight)….

  9. Dug Briderider says:

    The important part of any Dr who game, as pointed by RPS on the past is you should never play as the Doctor but as an assistant. All the fun without the morals.

  10. Razumen says:

    Anyone who says The Doctor never carries a gun never saw the original series. That Doctor was a badass, mofo-capping time master.

  11. RandomDude says:

    if you skip the tutorial you dont need to repair the tardis .-. also getting to the workshop is easy

    when you use the door that says go deeper into the tardis you appear on one of the four floors

    if you look forward and see a antigrav lift going UP go right and follow that corridor you will see a antigrav going down just pass by it and your at the workshop

    if you look forward and see only a corridor going left and right go right you will see a antigrav going down use it then go straight and right and youll be at the workshop

    if you look forward and see a antigrav going downuse it then turn around and youll see another antigrav lift going down use it go straight then right

    and finally theres 2 other places you can appear both on the bottom floor for those ive just learned to go back into the console room and keep using the go deeper into the tardis door until i find a floor i know my way around