Haven’t you always wanted to meet Sam Fisher and take home a photo of him pretending to snap your neck? Why not bungee from a Venetian rooftop into a haystack (don’t worry, it’s not real hay!)? Dare you ride a rollercoaster named Uplay? All these dreams and more may very well – let’s say it: will almost definitely – come true, as Ubisoft have announced plans to open a “next-generation theme park” in Malaysia.
That “next-generation” bit has caused some confusion in the RPS treehouse, but we think we’ve cracked it. Read on for our ideas:
Pip: god, I hate assassin’s creed so much, even thinking about it re ubiland has made me cross
also what the fuck is a next generation theme park – does that even mean anything?
Alec: I bet it has QR codes to scan while you’re queueing
I bet they send you ‘exclusive’ teasers for upcoming videogames
Adam: Kid gets an Ubiland map upon arrival, wants to see all of the things marked on it. Turns out only one of them is a ride and the rest are identical shops selling tat or irritating mascots dressed as assassins, rayman and rabbids
Alec and I bet you can Level Up your cola drink to a bigger one
Alice: If you lose phone reception, they won’t let you on the rides.
Pip: so this theme park is billed as a next gen theme park
Pip: it is basically a 4-gens-ago amusement arcade, yes?
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where Aidan Watchdogface ‘hacks’ the ghost train and the ride pretends to steer off into a different, behind the scenes bit
Pip: I’d like them to have a game of whack-a-mole where all you need to do is repeatedly stomp on Ezio’s fingers as he tries to climb the buiilding
Alice: It’s all worth it for a Rayman ride through a musical level though.
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where you have to spend 40 minutes trying and failing to enter your Uplay credentials before the door to the rollercoaster carriage will open
Pip: I wonder if sometimes 4 bored-looking ladies will come over and escort you to your next ride and everyone else has to pretend they can’t see you
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where they refuse entry to all women because it’s too hard to design seats for them
Adam: There will be some wacky dodgems and a caterpillar little dipper that teach solemn lessons about The Great War.
Pip: is it bad that there’s a treacherous part of me that remembers a childhood trip to Futuroscope and thinks a Rayman bit could be fun?
Adam: The Rayman bit could be amazing. I would go to a Rayman theme park.
Inexplicably, Rayman will probably be the kids section, like the Nickelodeon world at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Grim men in robes are for grown-ups, outrageously difficult entertainment is for children.
Pip: I’ll be fine, waltzing under the “you must be this tall for tedious parkour” signs and into the Rayman enclosure
so long, suckers!
Alice: I’m not sure about the lineup of mascots you can meet and pose for photos with.
Pip: do you think they’ll bring prince of persia?
Adam: In AssCreed World there will be row upon row of tedious nonsense but the world’s best pirate-themed log flume will be concealed somewhere in the middle – people will rave about it but there won’t even be signs pointing people toward it and eventually they’ll just build a giant plastic Charles Dickens on top of it.
Alice: There’s a big screened-off construction site, like a Mother Base extension, emblazoned with a huge picture of Jade and Pey’j from Beyond Good and Evil. This construction site will always be here.
Pip: And on your way home you would have to drag your children through Tom Clancy’s Giftiverse
Alice: Childcare tip: grab them in a choke hold and crouch, dragging them backwards down low out of sight of the rotating rack of pencils with your choice of erasers in the shape of every Far Cry 2 gun.
Alec: Trackmania though
build your own rollercoaster
John: If you try to visit the park for a fourth time, you get locked out.
Alice: You guys we need to stop this I need to post something.
John: Ooh, I hope there’s a petting and skinning zoo.
Alec: Clint Hocking’s Hall Of Rejects
Adam: This, but Clint Hocking
Alice: THE PARK IS CLOSED
John: Says a sign that pops up from 2-4pm every afternoon, with a note about server improvements.
We’re probably correct.
The park will be owned and operated by Malaysian theme park folks RSG, while Ubisoft say they “will maintain creative control over the attractions” and have Ubisoft Motion Pictures in charge of that. UMP say “Ubisoft will produce all digital media for the rides, and help design guests’ journey into the park to ensure the visitors’ experience is at its best.” We’re probably correct.