Where DRMs Come True: Ubisoft Opening Theme Park

Look, every theme park rapidly becomes outdated. That's why I'm using this image. Not just because it was the best multi-brand picture I found on their Facebook page.

Haven’t you always wanted to meet Sam Fisher and take home a photo of him pretending to snap your neck? Why not bungee from a Venetian rooftop into a haystack (don’t worry, it’s not real hay!)? Dare you ride a rollercoaster named Uplay? All these dreams and more may very well – let’s say it: will almost definitely – come true, as Ubisoft have announced plans to open a “next-generation theme park” in Malaysia.

That “next-generation” bit has caused some confusion in the RPS treehouse, but we think we’ve cracked it. Read on for our ideas:

Pip: god, I hate assassin’s creed so much, even thinking about it re ubiland has made me cross
also what the fuck is a next generation theme park – does that even mean anything?
Alec: I bet it has QR codes to scan while you’re queueing
I bet they send you ‘exclusive’ teasers for upcoming videogames
Adam: Kid gets an Ubiland map upon arrival, wants to see all of the things marked on it. Turns out only one of them is a ride and the rest are identical shops selling tat or irritating mascots dressed as assassins, rayman and rabbids
Alec and I bet you can Level Up your cola drink to a bigger one
Alice: If you lose phone reception, they won’t let you on the rides.
Pip: so this theme park is billed as a next gen theme park
Pip: it is basically a 4-gens-ago amusement arcade, yes?
or this
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where Aidan Watchdogface ‘hacks’ the ghost train and the ride pretends to steer off into a different, behind the scenes bit
Pip: I’d like them to have a game of whack-a-mole where all you need to do is repeatedly stomp on Ezio’s fingers as he tries to climb the buiilding
Alice: It’s all worth it for a Rayman ride through a musical level though.
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where you have to spend 40 minutes trying and failing to enter your Uplay credentials before the door to the rollercoaster carriage will open
Pip: I wonder if sometimes 4 bored-looking ladies will come over and escort you to your next ride and everyone else has to pretend they can’t see you
Alec: I bet there’s a bit where they refuse entry to all women because it’s too hard to design seats for them
Adam: There will be some wacky dodgems and a caterpillar little dipper that teach solemn lessons about The Great War.
Pip: is it bad that there’s a treacherous part of me that remembers a childhood trip to Futuroscope and thinks a Rayman bit could be fun?
Adam: The Rayman bit could be amazing. I would go to a Rayman theme park.
Inexplicably, Rayman will probably be the kids section, like the Nickelodeon world at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Grim men in robes are for grown-ups, outrageously difficult entertainment is for children.
Pip: I’ll be fine, waltzing under the “you must be this tall for tedious parkour” signs and into the Rayman enclosure
so long, suckers!
Alice: I’m not sure about the lineup of mascots you can meet and pose for photos with.
Pip: do you think they’ll bring prince of persia?
Adam: In AssCreed World there will be row upon row of tedious nonsense but the world’s best pirate-themed log flume will be concealed somewhere in the middle – people will rave about it but there won’t even be signs pointing people toward it and eventually they’ll just build a giant plastic Charles Dickens on top of it.
Alice: There’s a big screened-off construction site, like a Mother Base extension, emblazoned with a huge picture of Jade and Pey’j from Beyond Good and Evil. This construction site will always be here.
Pip: And on your way home you would have to drag your children through Tom Clancy’s Giftiverse
Alice: Childcare tip: grab them in a choke hold and crouch, dragging them backwards down low out of sight of the rotating rack of pencils with your choice of erasers in the shape of every Far Cry 2 gun.
Alec: Trackmania though
build your own rollercoaster
John: If you try to visit the park for a fourth time, you get locked out.
Alice: You guys we need to stop this I need to post something.
John: Ooh, I hope there’s a petting and skinning zoo.
Alec: Clint Hocking’s Hall Of Rejects
Adam: This, but Clint Hocking
The UbiGala
Alice: THE PARK IS CLOSED
John: Says a sign that pops up from 2-4pm every afternoon, with a note about server improvements.

We’re probably correct.

The park will be owned and operated by Malaysian theme park folks RSG, while Ubisoft say they “will maintain creative control over the attractions” and have Ubisoft Motion Pictures in charge of that. UMP say “Ubisoft will produce all digital media for the rides, and help design guests’ journey into the park to ensure the visitors’ experience is at its best.” We’re probably correct.

47 Comments

  1. Alec Meer says:

    Don’t forget to buy your Iconic Baseball Cap from the souvenir shop before you leave!

    • SuicideKing says:

      Now that Alice has posted something, please continue your chat in the comments section. :D

  2. qrter says:

    Queueing up to climb wonky towers to unlock the next bit of the park..

    • qrter says:

      Oh look, it’s more park. And more wonky towers.

    • BooleanBob says:

      There’s a booth you can visit to unlock ‘genetic memories’ of ancestors who might even have visited amusement parks that were actually amusing.

  3. Ross Angus says:

    Love this site.

  4. Spacewalk says:

    And it’s just like all the other ones.

  5. jezcentral says:

    The PC section will be opened at the same time as the rest of the site, honest!

    • Premium User Badge

      Don Reba says:

      The PC section will have an opera house and tennis courts.

  6. HughJass says:

    Thank you for purchasing your ticket.

    For just $5 more you can change your “free” hat.

    And for only $25 you can have a season pass that gets you into all of the new rides we will be releasing.

    • Horg says:

      Loyal Consumers can take advantage of Ubisofts patented Devious Roller-coaster Mismanagement program to unlock extra sections of track for rides they’ve already paid for. After an arbitrary number of rides have been completed, the partitioned sections will become available for use, providing the Loyal Consumer with a false sense of accomplishment.

      I’m not bitter -.-

  7. lowprices says:

    Oh my gosh that headline. Alice, whatever RPS is paying you, it isn’t enough.

  8. Geebs says:

    It there’s an opportunity for a bare-knuckle, no-holds-barred brawl with The Actual Pope, I’m so there. The Pope is going to be played by Uwe Boll.

    • Ross Angus says:

      In the basement. Of the Vatican. Somehow, this is more ridiculous than all of Saint’s Row. Probably because it was taken completely seriously.

  9. Text_Fish says:

    Best RPS headline 2015.

  10. Barchester says:

    That was brilliant. I love you guys.

  11. SuicideKing says:

    Loved everything from the headline to the last sentence.

    • Darth Gangrel says:

      Yeah, reading this article was more fun than Ubiland can ever hope to be.

  12. Iajawl says:

    The worst thing by far about an Ubisoft themepark would be the fact that actual fans of their games would be the majority of their customer base. Instantly surrounded by innumerable console fanboys who would constantly bump you with their overladen bags full of trashy merchandise.

  13. Barberetti says:

    Oooh, I just had to “Prove my humanity “. The answer was 4 by the way.

    So are Ubisoft games huge sellers in Malaysia or something then? Also, I wonder if trying to enter the theme park would be similar to my experience with trying to create a Uplay account:

    “I’d like a ticket please”
    “Sorry, we don’t appear to be able to create one for you”
    “Oh! Why’s that?”
    “Not telling you. Bye!”

    • Ross Angus says:

      I’m assuming they picked Malaysia because the health and safety rules are loose enough to allow children to skin animals, just like their hero did in Far Cry 3.

    • melnificent says:

      Prove your humanity is broken, you can put in any answer and it’s accepted :D

      • Barberetti says:

        Hmm .. I just tried, but I didn’t get asked a question.

        RPS has robbed me of my humanity :(

  14. melnificent says:

    When you first arrive it’s overly long explanations and slow walking with a guide everywhere. By the time you are free to go around the park it’s closing time.

  15. Blackcompany says:

    Individual attractions will be cordoned off by 3 meter high walls decorated only with white Exclamation Marks which attendees will need to find by ascending numerous 10m high towers scattered throughout the park…

  16. Rizlar says:

    You’ve got it all wrong. It’s a The Next Generation theme park where you can have dinner with a hologram of the bald captain, ride the giant cube and buy a full adult sized Wesley Crusher outfit with rainbow trim.

    • emotionengine says:

      That would be glorious if not for the fact that all ticket sales are managed by the Ferengi and the only accepted form of payment is either Latinum or oo-mox.

  17. KenTWOu says:

    Desperately want to see Mark & Execute shooting range.

  18. Freud says:

    I bet the map of the place will have hundreds of icons.

  19. Suits says:

    *claps for title pun*

  20. Eddy9000 says:

    ” I bet there’s a bit where they refuse entry to all women because it’s too hard to design seats for them”

    *chuckle*

    • Kempston Wiggler says:

      Nonsense. They’ll just be male seats sprayed pink.

  21. KingFunk says:

    Every now and then you’ll suffer a bout of malaria, forcing you to take cover behind a vending machine and shudder violently while the merchandise vendors respawn. Then once you’ve made it to the front of the queue for the next ride, your rusty e-ticket will suddenly jam, forcing you to take cover once again and whack it heartily or take one by force from a nearby child. Incidentally, you can avoid some of the respawning merchandise vendors if you take the monorail…

  22. therighttoarmbears says:

    Ladies, Gents, we’ve got this all wrong. We’re not taking them literally enough. When they say “next-gen” theme park, they mean that it is for the next generation of humans. We need to find all the humans who were born this generation (let’s arbitrarily say: the kids of everyone who plays ubisoft games now). Then we need to wait for the very first child of those children (they are the next generation) to be born. Then we need to notify Ubi to open the doors. Then we need to make sure that no one other than those children of current children get in. Next-gen only.

  23. Sin Vega says:

    £45 entry via the official entrance, a cliff face patrolled by robot falcons. Or it’s free if you hop over the small fence at the back.

  24. mr.black says:

    First photos will be unbelievably pretty and would seem somehow better than thought possible for that price range.

    Also – John wins!

  25. Railway Rifle says:

    “A next-gen theme park?”

    I imagine that Ubisoft’s marketing people are so deep in their madness that they use phrases like “next-gen” without even meaning anything by it, even when ordering coffee.

  26. Soury says:

    Does it require the installation of Uplay to enter? :)

  27. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    Well done, chaps and chapette! Most enjoyable to read, indeed.

  28. April March says:

    Alec: I bet there’s a bit where Aidan Watchdogface ‘hacks’ the ghost train and the ride pretends to steer off into a different, behind the scenes bit

    Someone at Ubisoft is reading this article, going ‘shit shit shit shit’ and nervously calling the contractors to add this bit in.

    I once thought how I’d want to play a Ubisoft mascot racing game, in the style of Sonic All Stars Racing, only to see if they’d made a Far Cry 2 level, which would essentially be a playful kart racing level with the theme of ‘wartorn impoverished African country’. Now I’m thinking if I can get a ghost train version of the same. Someone ought to make it in Roller Coaster Tycoon.

  29. sg1969 says:

    Love the title, best I’ve seen in a while :)