Sometimes you can read a game description and think, “Hmmm, I’m not sure which way this one might go.” And then sometimes you watch the trailer and you’re like, “OH MY GOODNESS I AM IN LOVE”. Sadly, there’s no way Coast Guard [Steam page] could ever be as good as the trailer for Coast Guard, because it is literally the best thing that’s ever happened on planet Earth.
Right, okay, let’s start off with the premise. Coast Guard is a game about being someone who works for the Coast Guard. With me so far? And yes, that sounds like it could go either way. An open, procedural game about bobbing about on the sea, rescuing people in trouble, using your wits – that could work. Or a prescribed series of tortured missions in which you have to press F to launch a lifeboat and F to do CPR – that could suck. Forget all that.
Let’s break this down.
1) Purple sea
2) “The reason I do this job: I want to save lives and protect the wide open sea.”
Okay, that’s two reasons. The first is noble, I understand that – saving lives is a generally good pursuit, and one of which I approve. The second reason? I’m less clear on that. He’s protecting the sea itself? From what? Greedy whales? “Hey, you! That’s too much sea you’re drinking!” Maybe from an alien race that’s invading Earth to gather our precious briny supplies? Sharp boats?
3) “When you are out here, every single day could be your last.”
I don’t want to take away from the braveness of fictional coast guards, but this is a rule that applies to most people most of the time.
4) “BREATHTAKING COAST GUARD OPERATIONS”
5) This guy:
6) “The Daniel Defoe. This is MY ship.”
Let me get this straight. You’re a coast guard, and you’ve named your ship after the writer who’s most famous for a story about a man whose ship sinks and then ISN’T RESCUED FOR AGES?
(The developers stress that their story involving human trafficking and escaping refugees was written a year ago and coincidentally coincides with the recent crisis (although it’s not exactly a new crisis), and as a consequence will donate €1 of every sale to GamingAid4Refugees.)
We’ve only two and a bit weeks to wait to see how close it can come to the majesty of this trailer, the game released on the 21st via, as its press release puts it, “STEAMÒ“.