Trailer Breakdown: EVERYTHING Is Brilliant About The Coast Guard Trailer

Sometimes you can read a game description and think, “Hmmm, I’m not sure which way this one might go.” And then sometimes you watch the trailer and you’re like, “OH MY GOODNESS I AM IN LOVE”. Sadly, there’s no way Coast Guard [Steam page] could ever be as good as the trailer for Coast Guard, because it is literally the best thing that’s ever happened on planet Earth.

Right, okay, let’s start off with the premise. Coast Guard is a game about being someone who works for the Coast Guard. With me so far? And yes, that sounds like it could go either way. An open, procedural game about bobbing about on the sea, rescuing people in trouble, using your wits – that could work. Or a prescribed series of tortured missions in which you have to press F to launch a lifeboat and F to do CPR – that could suck. Forget all that.

Let’s break this down.

1) Purple sea

2) “The reason I do this job: I want to save lives and protect the wide open sea.”

Okay, that’s two reasons. The first is noble, I understand that – saving lives is a generally good pursuit, and one of which I approve. The second reason? I’m less clear on that. He’s protecting the sea itself? From what? Greedy whales? “Hey, you! That’s too much sea you’re drinking!” Maybe from an alien race that’s invading Earth to gather our precious briny supplies? Sharp boats?

3) “When you are out here, every single day could be your last.”

I don’t want to take away from the braveness of fictional coast guards, but this is a rule that applies to most people most of the time.

4) “BREATHTAKING COAST GUARD OPERATIONS”

5) This guy:

6) “The Daniel Defoe. This is MY ship.”

Let me get this straight. You’re a coast guard, and you’ve named your ship after the writer who’s most famous for a story about a man whose ship sinks and then ISN’T RESCUED FOR AGES?

(The developers stress that their story involving human trafficking and escaping refugees was written a year ago and coincidentally coincides with the recent crisis (although it’s not exactly a new crisis), and as a consequence will donate €1 of every sale to GamingAid4Refugees.)

We’ve only two and a bit weeks to wait to see how close it can come to the majesty of this trailer, the game released on the 21st via, as its press release puts it, “STEAMÒ“.

62 Comments

  1. ohminus says:

    Who cares about the sea being purple? It might very well look purple in the right lighting. But it will never look like THIS.
    Seriously, in a game about the coast guard, how can they have water this bad???

    Incidentally, given your critique of the naming, did you also complain about the Icarus Landing System in Deus Ex:Human Revolution?

    • aleander says:

      Everything is better in purple. Judging by Dr Gameboy’s desk lamp, my opinion is shared even by NPCs.

    • Monggerel says:

      Actually the sea is a single supermassive organism, covering the entire surface of the planet, clearly capable of immense feats of what a human might call “intellect” but so fundamentally alien in all respects that any feeble attempt to make contact will, invariably, be met with crushing, and highly confusing, failure.

    • TechnicalBen says:

      The one and only think that tempted me to ask for my money back, was the bubble of an excuse special effect landing system that happened when I was expecting WINGS.

      DX:HR had one thing to get right from it’s trailer over to the game, put wings on that Icarus landing system!

    • iucounu says:

      It’s quite interesting that the Greeks had no word for ‘blue’, and people have speculated that, even a couple of thousand years ago, we actually weren’t able to perceive this colour in quite the same way as we do today – we might all have been colour-blind. Homer used to call the sea ‘wine-dark’, talking about the Aegean.

      • noodlezombie says:

        They saw the exact same colors that people today do. And all people today see the same colors, unless they’re colorblind. Their eyes and brains functioned the same as ours. People are making a mountain out of a molehill; all languages group colors differently. Just because a language doesn’t categorize blue and green separately doesn’t mean they don’t see the difference. They just call ‘blue’ ‘water green’ or whatever. English does the exact same thing: we don’t call it ‘light red’, we call it ‘pink’.

        And that’s not even considering that writers like Homer used a lot of poetic license. And in fact the Aegean can look purple under certain lighting conditions.

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    Harlander says:

    Is that equipment on Dr. Gameboy’s desk anything real? Looks a bit like a centrifuge, and maybe an autoclave?

    • Premium User Badge

      Skabooga says:

      I spot a bunsen burner and maybe a . . . reach-in glove box thing?

  3. Jac says:

    BREATHTAKING COAST GUARD OPERATIONS. This needs the RPS game-o-diary treatment like no other.

    They had me at purple.

    • caff says:

      This please.

      Hopefully it will breathtaking in the drowning sense.

  4. 9of9 says:

    I cannot, in contrary conscience, connive the contradictory consequences of this coincidentally convoluted clip!

  5. Zunt says:

    There aren’t too many ships that have Bunsen burners on them, no.

    • Zunt says:

      Sigh. That was a reply to Harlander.

      Now I’m here, I liked “my name is Finisterre”. I hope his first name is FitzRoy. Also, why is Dr Gameboy wearing gloves to twiddle his thingy? And does this Coast Guard (why is it two words?) only go out in completely flat seas?

      • Velko says:

        His first name is of course Gabe. Gabe Finisterre.

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        Al__S says:

        I think it might be that his name is “Finn Astaire” (or something close to that)

      • Premium User Badge

        Al__S says:

        I was almost right! The Steam page gives his name as “Finn Asdair “

      • aleander says:

        Electronic devices are practically covered with bacteria, you know.

      • Aetylus says:

        Well you wouldn’t know he was a doctor if he didn’t wear the gloves would you. (The tee shirt just lets you know he is a sciencey doctor, not a poking sick people doctor).

      • Premium User Badge

        Phasma Felis says:

        “Also, why is Dr Gameboy wearing gloves to twiddle his thingy?”

        You…you don’t wear gloves?

        Oh god.
        “why is it two words?”
        The United States Coast Guard?

  6. Xantonze says:

    Where is Costner?!

  7. Zenicetus says:

    That looks… pretty bad. The wind and wave dynamics for starters, and a sim like this is all about wind and wave action. There is no challenge in finding and rescuing someone on a flat sea in good weather. They should have hired whoever worked on Black Flag, or the more recent Silent Hunter games. Can’t you buy a wave dynamics package off the shelf these days?

    The all-too-serious voice acting was also hilarious. Especially if you know any real Coasties and how they talk about their job.

    • Neutrino says:

      Agreed. The bow wave is just a bit of generic particle effect white fuzz. That’s pretty lame.

    • klops says:

      Sim? I’d dare to guess that Coast Guard does not even try to be a sim.

      Sim like Silent Hunter or I2 Sturmovik, and those things usually mentioned in the Flare Path. Of course, people also speak about FPSs as “murder-simulators” and The Forest as “survival-simulations” and even Sim City as a sim because of the name, but I don’t think you meant that with “sim”?

      Sims seldom have main characters that want to tell us their story – with hilarious voice acting.

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    patricio says:

  9. xcession says:

    That voiceover is everything wrong with trailers.

    • vlonk says:

      That voiceover is by far the best part. I assume it is a diss against the “hatred” trailer, because it resembles it in structure and voiceover but turns the stupid hatred message on its head by actually saving people. Only makes sense if you have seen the other trailer ofc…

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      particlese says:

      I dunno, after about the 1-minute mark, it sounded like he was getting super-excited regardless of what the directors had to say, kinda like the guy in Comedian Movie Trailer. Surely that’s the best voice acting.

    • neotribe says:

      “IN A WORLD more than two-thirds covered by water, you are FINN ASSDARE, Captain the sole crew member of the photorealistic Coast Guard cutter hilarious and probably stolen assemblage of meshes and textures, the DANIELWILLEM DEFOEDAFOE. Embark on varied tortuously indistinguishable rescue and interdiction missions mashing of the ‘interact’ key in between realistic training exercises and drills CTDs. Brought to you by a experienced and proven team of developers and creatives some guy who downloaded Unity. PREORDER NOW!

  10. anHorse says:

    Please get Quinns to come back and review this

  11. DevilishEggs says:

    I wonder if you can just hang out on the boat and play cards.

    I’m interested and also in a Gilligan’s Island DLC that starts with a three-hour tour and ends with The Forest.

    • jonahcutter says:

      Holy crap, Gilligan’s Island survival game? Small cast of distinct characters to watch get offed one-by-one. Coconut radios and bamboo cars? Perfect for game crafting systems.

      Somewhere between Gods Will Be Watching and Don’t Starve.

      Why hasn’t this been done yet?

      • Zenicetus says:

        The eternal question of “Ginger or Maryanne?” could easily surpass the Witcher3’s choice between love interests.

        Ginger, of course.

  12. trollomat says:

    Can’t tell if serious.

  13. SuicideKing says:

    Damn, John, I took the first two paragraphs seriously. :D

    I then sat in confusion for the first 30 seconds of the trailer, thinking, “What the fuck? Am I missing something?”. And then it dawned on me. Well played.

  14. mpk says:

    I feel 3% more masculine after watching that trailer.

  15. Freud says:

    There is a demographic that eat up these Men and Big Machines/Vehicles games. Doesn’t matter if it’s about farming, buses, trucks, trains or street cleaning machines.

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    particlese says:

    Oh man, yes! #5 up there was my favorite part of that EPIC EPIC EPIC EPIC chemist dude playing Gameboy EPIC EPIC EPIC hey guys we forgot the dubstep EPIC EPIC fade to black with logo. Pure genius.

  17. ronerberg says:

    Hahah, can we please start having games that are so bad they’re great? I want the “Troll 2” of games, or “The Room” of games.

  18. picaroon says:

    Clearly an embarrassing oversight on the developer. The ship is supposed to be the Willem> Defoe.

  19. liquidsoap89 says:

    “and as a consequence will donate €1 of every sale to GamingAid4Refugees.”

    Good for them. A $12 donation is still more than many others will donate themselves.

  20. Turkey says:

    Eagerly anticipating Vinny’s quick look of this.

  21. racccoon says:

    Go beyond time itself! encounter things like..water! Look at amazing splash..well we are trying!..Coastguard!..The one game that spells you may get wet but be dry at the same time…Coastguard!.
    Inspired by the love of the video commentary, lol :)

  22. epmode says:

    This is obviously Frog Fractions 2.

  23. NephilimNexus says:

    So… much… hyperbole…

  24. guygodbois00 says:

    Are they going to need a bigger boat?

  25. Premium User Badge

    corinoco says:

    “This is my ship” – needs more Principal Onyx Blackman to be really serious.

  26. Jackablade says:

    I kinda like the concept, even if the execution looks rather janky. I might be inclined to give it a try if I can nab it from a Humble Bundle or Steam Sale.

  27. Shiloh says:

    “1. Purple sea”

    Actually, I think you’ll find the sea in the German Bight *is* exactly that shade of purple. It’s world-renowned for it – something to do with sea shells.

    EDIT: Actually, no it isn’t – my mistake.

  28. Cik says:

    …but can I ‘tame’ a shark?