Watch: Caffeine Really Doesn’t Get Up And Go

The long-promised first-person horror thing Caffeine [official site] is now out, so intrigued by a world addicted to coffee and something about space, I thought I’d take a look. And when everything I touched started spinning around the rooms, I thought I’d better video it. Yeah.

Yes, so, I’ve no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Eventually just stumbling around in barely lit corridors, with a madly rotating key card hovering in front of me, didn’t prove to be the gaming experience I was after. I cut out a good half hour of those corridors, you’ll be pleased to learn. You can see the rest here:

(Yes, I see the door I was supposed to go back to now I watch it back. Half an hour of corridors had me forget about that.)

Caffeine is on Steam for an extremely optimistic £12.


  1. Premium User Badge

    Oakreef says:

    for the first two minutes John Walker is like the anti-John Bain

  2. MrFinnishDude says:

    So the game’s premise is be about how the whole world is addicted to coffee and suddenly caffeine runs out. Well if the game was realistic in that regard it would be quite boring, because all that would happen is that some of the people would be slightly grumpy and have a small headache for a day or two.
    But oh well, we all know that caffeine “is” as addictive as heroin just because it’s classified as a drug (just like any substance that alters your perception in the slightest).

    • ironman Tetsuo says:

      When I was a teenager I underwent an operation that also included the administration of medical grade heroin for around 24 hours. After that I was grumpy for a few days but I didn’t get any headaches…

      • lglethal says:

        Ahh so the follow up shots of street grade heroin aftewards helped? :P

      • DrollRemark says:

        I got given a shot of ‘roids in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, to combat a nasty allergic reaction. They were bloody horrible, I don’t know how anyone would willingly choose to take them.

        • Sam says:

          Corticosteroids are very different from the anabolic steroids used by body builder types. I’m sure someone who knows more can tell us what commonality it is that led to the shared name.

          • Pan Vidla says:

            The commonality is that they all have four non-aromatic rings of carbon atoms in their structure. You are welcome! :)

          • DrollRemark says:

            The More You Know!

          • LennyLeonardo says:

            Whereas the best coffee is all about the aroma. Full circle.

      • MrFinnishDude says:

        I do feel that people missed the obvious sarcasm in my statement

    • Elliot Lannigan says:

      Slightly grumpy, huh? I’ve been struggling with caffeine addiction for 13 years, it absolutely ruins my metabolism, Circadian rhythm, and general emotional sanity, and can turn me into a raging lunatic if I try to quit it cold turkey from more than one cup of whatever a day. I absolutely hate that it is made available for free to kids with no required warnings and the dangers being downplayed. I’m sure it’s fine for a mostly healthy person but if you have any concurrent fatigue or anxiety issues it can slowly grind your life down into an addictive cycle tthat is basically crystal meth lite, except it requires way more self control because it’s rather more easier to obtain than crystal meth.

      • Elliot Lannigan says:

        “More easier?” F me. Clearly I need caffeine.

        • neotribe says:

          If you’ve never seen the cult western ‘Straight to Hell’ I think you might enjoy it.

          • DelrueOfDetroit says:

            Wait, there’s a western with Joe FUCKING Strummer in it!

          • phlebas says:

            And the Pogues!
            (It’s not Alex Cox’s finest film. But it has its moments.)

          • phlebas says:

            Hang on. There’s a SEQUEL?

          • Darth Gangrel says:

            No, @phlebas there is no sequel, but one was planned at one time. As it says on Wikipedia: “Although the sequel was never made, upon the film’s DVD release, Cox reassembled much of the cast and crew for a short documentary called Back to Hell, in which they reminisce about the making of the film.”

  3. Sin Vega says:

    Bit of a shame really, this looks monstrously tedious to play but the environment is nice, in a dreary, oppressive sort of way.

  4. Sam says:

    Ah, John’s voice is so pleasantly soothing. Sure the game’s terrible but the viewer is cushioned by gentle Walker tones.

  5. The Sombrero Kid says:

    This is heart breaking, it looked so good.

  6. slerbal says:

    I was amused by the fact your character seems to be less than a metre tall. But aside from that…. yeah. What a shame! I had hopes for this :(

    • qrter says:

      I read somewhere that you’re supposed to be a small child, but it isn’t mentioned in the game’s description, so maybe that was just a joke..

      • slerbal says:

        Oh, that would make more sense. It would actually be a cool feature.

        The insanely spinning furniture certainly doesn’t. I am really surprised they let the game out that buggy, that kind of thing is not that difficult to fix (I know from experience)

      • KevinLew says:

        It’s not a joke. The developer’s own description on the Indie DB page is that you are a “young boy with no memory”.

      • Tinotoin says:

        It’s actually on their site – I’m surprised!

        “You awaken aboard one of these caffeine mining ships alone. Before long you realize that you are a young boy with no memory of what has transpired on this seemingly empty space station.”

    • Jalan says:

      I strongly want to believe you’re the mystical gnome responsible for keeping the entire station supplied with coffee and once something goes awry, you’re spurred into action to correct it.

      Then again, I strongly want to believe that the two other episodes of this will somehow be better and make the game’s price more justifiable beyond an excuse to purchase the running CV of an environment designer.

    • cpt_freakout says:

      Here I was thinking John had gone into crouch mode just for kicks.