Is Galactic Hitman Really The Worst Game On Steam?

Jim emailed the other day. “Galactic Hitman appears to be the worst game on Steam, by Steam reviews. Might be worth a look?” The cunning temptress. Of course that’s worth a look. But what to expect? Mediocrity to which people have overreacted? Revenge reviews because the game had a girl in it? Nope. Just a stupendeously dreadful game. I videoed myself playing it from start to finish – in forty-six minutes. And then edited out the filler to halve that length. You can see it in all its glory below.

Perhaps when prolific developers Digital Homicide Studios heard the phrase, “a corridor shooter”, they took it rather more literally than most. Galactic Hitman, which does not appear to be a game about a hitman, takes place in a corridor. Oh, okay, I’ll be fair – three variants on a corridor.

Enemies don’t move, other than to suggestively wave their hands up and down in front of their groins. Ammo is essentially unlimited, levels are about five minutes long, doors open onto solid walls, crouching makes you nearly invincible… oh, don’t let me spoil all the magic. Have a watch:

Admittedly the game does only cost £1.59, but even so, that remains about £400 million over where it should be.

64 Comments

  1. Premium User Badge

    Lexx87 says:

    Hah – been following this awful company on the Jimquisition.

    Perfect to watch before bed this, thanks John! (Is 11pm over here). Also, John. More videos with your lovely voice please.

  2. Capt. Bumchum McMerryweather says:

    Dan over at nerdcubed did a let’s play as part of his hell series, and it looked pretty fucking god awful to me.

  3. Turkey says:

    So basically this is the Silent Hills: PT of bad first person shooters.

    • Nereus says:

      I used to defend this developer in that everybody has to start somewhere. But they don’t seem to want to leave the starting line. If anything, they’ve decided to go get a beer before leaving said starting line.

  4. cpt_freakout says:

    TARGET DOWN

  5. Lordcrazy says:

    I think it would make all of our days if you were to have a buddy called Roy, with an Irish Accent.

  6. Abndn says:

    Some of the assets looked alright :>

    • Yglorba says:

      If this is the company I think it is, my understanding is that they purchase all their assets cheaply from a catalog or something along those lines.

      • Jackablade says:

        The Unity Asset Store. These crummy companies who buy entire games worth of components to haphazardly stick together are helping keep a lot of freelance games artists fed.

  7. CKScientist says:

    You sound a bit like Fitzthistlewitz.

    • Curly Brace says:

      You know, I also thought he sounded like Fitzthistlewitz.

      Gosh I miss Fitz. :'(

  8. Andrew says:

    Way to feel smarter than John: scream at a screen “those things with bubbles are healing you!”

    Way to feel dumber than John: realize what you doing.

    • unimural says:

      It took me 15 minutes to notice them, but I love that the bubbles keep going past the top of the cylinder, somehow still managing to be bubbles whilst in the air. Or perhaps the corridor is filled with liquid. Or the bubbles are in fact bubbles of some liquid with some really strange properties.

  9. Dubbill says:

    When can we expect an interview with the dev team?

    • Baines says:

      Jim Sterling legitimately did that interview already. It was, as with everything that involves Digital Homicide, as awful as expected.

    • Assirra says:

      link to thejimquisition.com

      Have fun.
      Warning tough, you might lose brain cells listening to the utter garbage and fallacies that “developer” throws at Jim all the time.

      • mejoff says:

        Oh Gods! I managed to listen to it for about 5 minutes, during which time the developer had already had to be corrected three times on the same actual slander spoken about Stirling. Then I gave up.

      • Stayche says:

        An insufferably puffed up and smug interviewer and a man trying to defend essentially flooding the market with awfulness to make easy cash. What depressing examples of humanity.

  10. C0llic says:

    If that’s a link, it’s broken.

  11. Press X to Gary Busey says:

    They’ve shoveled out something like 19 games in just 12 months.
    Their total incompetence, spending on assets and the greenlight fees for all their sockpuppet accounts (if they didn’t just torrent all the Unity Store asset packs) and their hilariously bad scheming is so ridiculous at this point it just has to be some kind of performance art.

    • Premium User Badge

      phuzz says:

      Frog Fractions 2?

    • Shuck says:

      The fact that devs like this are on Steam in the first place shows the total failure of Greenlight. The combination of cynicism and incompetence (or just extreme expedience) shown on the part of the developers means they’re not providing anything of worth. These aren’t incompetent-but-well-meaning or broken-but-interesting bad games, these are collections of assets quickly assembled into something vaguely “game-like” enough that they might trick some people into risking a couple bucks buying it in the hopes that they’ll get an actual game.
      Does Valve have a mechanism to kick developers off Steam? Because they should at least consider it in this case. Otherwise they risk letting in developers who are only interested in producing mobile app store style shovelware, which will quickly overwhelm Steam.

      • Baines says:

        Digital Homicide has put their games on Steam, and through Greenlight under multiple company names anyway. As long as you pay your Greenlight fee, Valve doesn’t appear to care what you call yourself.

        They only folded their games back under the Digital Homicide umbrella after it was already common knowledge that they were doing this. The same went for their bundle site, BundleBlitz. (Well, after it was common knowledge and after they accidentally used the name of an existing software company.)

  12. Hebrind says:

    Yep, think I’d rather shit in my hands and clap, thanks.

    • dethtoll says:

      The noise that just came out of my face may be called laughter, but I’ll be damned if that’s what it sounded like.

  13. kud13 says:

    I think this could work well as “baby’s first FPS”, once you remove the masturbating animations.

    Emphasizing the need to crouch? Check
    Using punishing trial and error to make the player memorize the location of every enemy in every corridor? Check
    Bright pretty colours? Check
    No consequences for losing, prompting instant replay (and, cunningly, no obvious way to exit until level is complete)? Check.

    This is the kind of grueling and unforgiving training that builds up those insane reflexes and unstoppable persistance. Future CS stars will look back upon this grueling torture fondly, as it’s shaped them to strive for better things. And then master them.

  14. Sardonic says:

    Wait, this isn’t Star Marine?

  15. Cederic says:

    Sorry but even if it’s utterly naff, going “this game is so awful you shouldn’t play it, and here’s all its content anyway” is exploitative and feels terribly unfair to its creators.

    Warn people not to play it, but don’t then share the whole game with everyone.

    • horrorgasm says:

      …who are you talking to?

    • Shuck says:

      “Exploitative” is exactly what this game is. And it needs to be seen to be believed. It’s not just that in less than 30 minutes you can see the entire game, but that showing it all doesn’t actually ruin anything because it’s only one corridor section, repeated – the entire content of the game was already shown in the first couple minutes of play. It becomes clear from the video that someone could easily have cranked this out in a day by simply buying some Unity assets. It’s not a game – it’s not even a “vertical slice,” as even that would require more gameplay. It’s like the beginnings of a Unity tutorial that they’ve monetized. Which seems to be a pattern of behavior for the devs. It’s really pretty much impossible to be unfair to the developers, given what they’ve put out is such a cynical, exploitative cash-grab.

      • Cederic says:

        Great, that’s the sort of review/feedback that should be shared about the game. Lets hear it.

        But you’ve said yourself, just two minutes of video would’ve sufficed. RPS didn’t need to share the whole (crap) game.

        • Jeeva says:

          To be fair, it almost sounds too ridiculous to be true.

          I (hope?) doubt that anyone is going to sit there and watch the full 40 minute video, but being able to watch two minutes and then skip through the rest laughing seems fair enough to me.

        • Shuck says:

          Also as I said, you need to see the whole thing to comprehend that those two minutes really do represent the whole game. I’d think the claim was hyperbole if I hadn’t actually seen it. Seeing everything also benefits the video because it becomes more and more absurd as the repetition increases. It takes nothing away from the game because, well, there’s nothing to be taken away.
          The devs apparently have a history of claiming reviewers misrepresent their work. There’s no chance of misrepresentation here – it’s a totally honest, unfiltered look at the game that allows the game itself to be its own critique, no editorializing necessary. It’s a highly appropriate video.

  16. demicanadian says:

    Worst game on steam? Well, as long as Stomping Land is in my library, I must say no.

    • Chaz says:

      Whatever happened with that in the end, did anyone find out where the creator went and why he ditched it?

      • demicanadian says:

        Standard “development was hard, we didn’t know it is. thx bye!”.

      • demicanadian says:

        btw that’s a nice summary of kickstarter games:
        link to docs.google.com

        • Jeeva says:

          That’s an awesome spreadsheet! Makes me quite happy about the state of kickstarted games. I don’t seem to be able to expand the columns, though, so I’m having a hard time reading any of the detailed stuff.

        • JFS says:

          Well, the majority gets done. That’s nice! The list still shows there is a real risk of not getting anything out of your money involved.

  17. Text_Fish says:

    That gave me motion sickness.

    But should I blame RPS or Digital Homicide? Hrmmmm.

  18. KevinLew says:

    Perhaps the game should change the official store description page. “Killing hundreds of aliens by yourself would normally be impossible, even if you’re renown as the Galactic Hitman. But fortunately for you, the aliens have contracted Space Arthritis, so they cannot move their wrists or knees! Use their inability to walk or point their guns downward to save the universe!”

  19. Y2Kafka says:

    But did you find the secret room? ;)

  20. GWOP says:

    Why do you put yourself through this?

  21. PancakeWizard says:

    “Revenge reviews because the game had a girl in it?”

    You really don’t think much of your audience do you? You see things through a very warped lens.

    • Sin Vega says:

      It’s sad that I even have to point out that those people very clearly are not his audience.

      • PancakeWizard says:

        It’s sad that people are still making that excuse. Generalized sniping is, surprisingly, taken generally. It’s also worse when it’s from someone (from the enthusiast press) who is seen as an ally of the enthusiast.

        • Yglorba says:

          You seem really, really eager to be offended about this, bro. I think it’s safe to say that if you’re the kind of person who posted revenge reviews because a game had a girl in it — or if you’re the kind of person who would get offended because someone referred to that — then John Walker is not and never was on ‘your side’; your automatic assumption that anyone who writes about games would share your personal politics on the subject (and your constant, repeated outrage every time they express a political view that differs from yours, which somehow seems just as intense every single time it has happened in the comments here) is getting a little bit worn out. By now, you should have realized that RPS isn’t going to pander to your particular politics or censor themselves to avoid offending your delicate feelings on gender-issues, so why do you keep harping on it? Either nut up and accept that those are John’s views, that he sees what he’s saying as entirely inoffensive and normal, or go somewhere that panders to your personal taste more directly. Don’t act all fainting-couch shocked every time an RPS writer says the exact same sort of thing they’ve said a thousand times before; most people here see what they’re saying as entirely correct, reasonable, and unobjectionable.

  22. trjp says:

    Whilst this may be a terrible game, Steam isn’t short of contenders for ‘worst game’ by any means

    I’ve picked-up some stuff in bundles and genuinely wondered how someone could put ANY pricetag on it because they are – at best – freeware titles, game made 100% from asset packs or ‘tutorials’ people have added their name to.

    Examples

    Why So Evil
    Rubber and Lead
    Project Night
    Borealis
    Blaster Shooter Gunguy

    Freeware games have higher standards in most cases

  23. engion3 says:

    Poor guys, they have like 5 games on steam and they all got negative reviews. They got ambition I’ll give em that.

  24. Jackablade says:

    I kept watching to see if you’d get around to using the grenade. I may need to reassess what I’m doing with my life.

  25. geldonyetich says:

    A game has to be good enough to be noticed to be bad enough to be truly reviled. It seems the slick graphics coupled with absolutely broken gameplay pulled it off for Galactic Hitman.

  26. Xzi says:

    Bad Rats dethroned? Seems so. Now we all need to give positive reviews for Galactic Hitman and send copies to all our friends when it’s on sale for $0.25.

    • dethtoll says:

      Yeah I was gonna say, do we have a new Bad Rats? ‘Cuz damn.

  27. Arthur ASCII says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It’s frustrating enough having to endure the wait for Just Cause 3, but you have just reminded us that “Hitman” won’t be with us until 2016. Thanks. To share in my frustration, watch-along-with-me-oh: link to youtube.com :P

  28. FoSmash says:

    Hilarious game

  29. Chaoslord AJ says:

    Don’t thrust those reviews, they might just have a bad PR strategy. There are far worse games rated positive by devs, friends and bribed friends (esp. when you count in early access, some are abysmal)
    Seriously you could write an article about how misleading the steam rating is nevermind metacritic.

    • Chaoslord AJ says:

      Reply to myself: they’re somewhat bad though. They also made “Deadly Profits” which graced my wishlist in EA as it’s roguelike and fps (those guys can do anything) but in this case user reviews were the saving grace of me.

  30. thekelvingreen says:

    Oh cool, there’s a new Call of Duty out!

  31. Premium User Badge

    syllopsium says:

    Worst game? Hell, no! I reckon most of the crap from Indiegala is probably worse, and many, many retro games are far worse. It’s only the decent retro stuff that survives..