Cheese It, It’s The Five-Ocean! Coast Guard Released


Let’s go back to a few weeks ago and hide behind a bin to see John giggle like a schoolgirl on glue as he watches a trailer for Coast Guard [Steam page, ‘cos it has no site]. Now let’s come back to a time he would then have considered the future to discover – great Scott! – that the quirky sim is now out. Seacops!

It’s all about the lives and duties of seacops, roaming around around on their fancy boats, rescuing people, putting out fires, and (!) solving seacrimes. Developers Reality Twist have a string of shonky sims to their name but the idea is splendid. Seacops!

“Recover decisive evidence, rescue people from burning and sinking ships, interrogate nefarious human traffickers and steer your own cruiser across the waves,” goes the marketing blurb, which certainly makes it sound exciting. You’ve got a ship – which you can roam about – with a crew of seacops and a diddy little babyship to send off, which might take you to e.g. an oilrig to investigate crimes. Seacops!

Tim Stone played their last sea ’em up and found it a wee bit wonky. I’d be atonished if this isn’t too. But, seacops!

“Sadly, there’s no way Coast Guard could ever be as good as the trailer for Coast Guard,” John said, “because it is literally the best thing that’s ever happened on planet Earth.” Seacops! Let’s have another look:

Yeah, that is pretty great. “OMG COAST GUARD IS OUT,” John said upon noticing I was writing this. “INSTALLING NOW.” I assume he’ll have some thoughts to share later. If you can’t wait for that, it’s £13.49 on Steam for Windows and Mac.



  1. rustybroomhandle says:

    Bad buoys, bad buoys… whatcha gonna dooooo, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

  2. anHorse says:

    What’s the porpoise of all these sea-related spelling mistakes?

  3. JiminyJickers says:

    Wow, I never watched the trailer last time. It is pretty spectacular.

  4. Gwilym says:


    • Gwilym says:

      oh god, a line that wonderful and I didn’t even quote it properly

      *dances sadly into the gloom*

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        particlese says:

        Well, the recovery made my evening! (It somehow took me a second read, which helps.)

    • Turkey says:

      Welcome aboard the William Dafoe

  5. apa says:

    Phil Astaire: The Story of a Coast Guard Officer

  6. Luciferous says:

    Why does the voice over dude sound like he ants to murder everyone on the high seas?

  7. Mud says:

    Didn’t know it was for sail already

  8. Premium User Badge

    DelrueOfDetroit says:

    It’s even more beautiful than we imagined. It has country music in it.

  9. mejoff says:

    Gameplay looks a bit shallow. Knot my cup of tea I’m afraid.