Coast Guard – Is It The Greatest Coast Guard Game Of All Time?!

After its extraordinary trailer, I’m glad to report/sad to say that Coast Guard is everything we could have hoped for. I struggled through the first hour of this wave-protecting simulation, videoed it all, and edited that horror down to the twenty minutes that’s safe for you to watch.

The game is, you’ll be relieved to know, out now on Steam. At £13.50, it’s a touch pricey just to see quite how bad it all is. So fortunately I’ve saved you that expense with the glimpse below.

Thank you. Thank you.


  1. Flying Penguin says:

    1/3 cup Fisher Price Ship Sim
    1/3 cup Doom 3
    1/3 cup Subway Simulator Jankiness

    Add a dash of “couldn’t be bothered” to season and bake at 180C for six months…..

    • Flying Penguin says:

      World of Subways****

      Come back edit button, we forgive you…

  2. Bernardo says:

    50 seconds into the video and I already lost it at “my name is Finn Asdair.” That’s quality punnery right there.

  3. Elliot Lannigan says:

    “It’s Coast Guard!” Thank YOU for putting a smile on my face :)

  4. raiders says:


  5. Blackcompany says:

    Ouch. That was…painful. Almost funny, but definitely painful…

  6. Premium User Badge

    Grizzly says:

    John, the input volume of your microphone seems to be a little bit too loud. There’s noticable distortion in places.

    • Universal Quitter says:

      It fit the overall quality of the game really well, though. Few Let’s Plays achieve that level of tonal consistency.

  7. FurryLippedSquid says:

    My father was the controller for the south coast of England.

    He would not recommend this game.

    I’ve asked him.

  8. Sp4rkR4t says:

    I’d love to see someone talented make a mission style game with the RNLI’s involvement, it could turn into a pretty cool game if baked with enough love.

  9. mashkeyboardgetusername says:

    Up to “ellipses” I genuinely couldn’t work out if the voice over the text at the start was John being silly or the game’s actual voice work.

  10. Zankman says:

    I was annoyed since I thought that this was going to be a bunch of posts for a mediocre game that doesn’t really deserve so much attention and exposure.

    Oh? What is that?

    It’s actually a crappy game that everyone will see as a joke *and* will receive all of that attention and exposure?

    Meanwhile countless underrated games on Steam every day…

    • John Walker says:

      Yes, it was abysmal that this was the only game we posted about today. It’s atrocious that we never highlight good unknown games. Thank goodness you took the time to complain about a fun post on the site that has single-handedly destroyed gaming.

      • ronerberg says:

        John, every post counts. Every post matters. POST HEARTBEAT STARTS AT 8 SECONDS.

    • Skabooga says:

      As much as I like hearing about good games, I think knowing about mediocre and bad games is nearly as essential to understanding the medium. They make up the majority of all games released, after all.

    • Universal Quitter says:

      Could you list a few of these nameless great games?

      When I do my daily check of the Steam Store, I mostly see a bunch of banal indie games, a deluge of Early Access titles (and even I, an EA apologist, have reached my saturation point), and sequel after sequel after sequel.

      That doesn’t even go into the horrible tag system, where CS:GO is an action game, and a strategy game, and an RPG, and a simulation.

    • Press X to Gary Busey says:

      It’s got mostly positive reviews on Steam.
      Either Steam’s game quality median has dropped enough at this point (not surprised if..) or it’s the old youtuber favourite wonk sim with loads of ironic fan votes (ironic ones aren’t real right?) and downvote real negative reviews to oblivion.

  11. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    Why did the picture at the start of te article make me think of Lego I’m not entirely sure, but it did.

    Wait, what game?

  12. Morph says:

    Looks good, but it’s no Galactic Hitman.

  13. TheManko says:

    So why did the chemist force you, the coast guard with a gruff voice and chiseled physique, to mix the petri dish? Is it a commentary on our sedentary lifestyles, and how rough honest working men have to do all the heavy lifting?

  14. Elliot Lannigan says:

    I got the impression that the author of the game was just super excited to have people doing chemistry. It was awkward but it actually did have a certain charming “passion for science” excitement…

  15. Skabooga says:

    You laugh, but that’s actually a pretty good demonstration of the plate-streaking method. Although he probably should have sterilized inbetween streaks.

    And I don’t know how growing out bacterial colonies using the plate streaking method would tell you that a sample is heavy oil.

    • Harlander says:

      Coast Guard is actually set in a world on the cusp of a catastrophe caused by a new strain of oil-eating bacteria getting everywhere. In five months there’ll be no oil left anywhere, but for now you can test for the presence of oil by smearing it somewhere and seeing if a colony grows.

      But if the oil’s going to be eaten anyway, why are they so bothered about who dumped it in the sea? Force of habit, I guess.

  16. Bostec says:

    I think this should be a regular thing, you know, like angry video game nerd, you only play the shit games to show how well…how shit they are.

  17. racccoon says:

    The video beats the game hands down..nice work! Shame about the crappy game, your point is valid.( I’ve saved you that expense with the glimpse below.) lol cheers. I had a good laugh.

  18. Hydrogene says:

    Great video! I love John’s voice, it’s perfect for that kind of thing. And I would gladly watch more of this kind of “let’s play a crap game!”.

  19. Premium User Badge

    DelrueOfDetroit says:

    At the 13:13* you can hear a Gregorian chant of “Boooooooriiiiiiing.”

    *when John accidentally takes another sample