Warcraft: The Beginning Gets A New Poster

In this episode of Dispatches From Warcraft we have not one but TWO artwork announcements.

One is a Warcraft: The Beginning poster. I hadn’t been keeping up particularly so I hadn’t actually considered that it wasn’t going to be called “That Movie They’re Making Of Warcraft“. I guess The Beginning could mean a whole bunch of things but for me there are hopes that it means not being too tied up in the convoluted lore that the game has accrued over the years.

Alternatively it could mark the start of a curiously honest naming strategy in a franchise (and there is no way I don’t think they’re aiming at franchise).

We could have:

  • Warcraft: The Beginning
  • Warcraft: The Movie After The Beginning One Where Something Happens But We’re Mostly Setting Up For The Third Film
  • Warcraft: The Third Film That Is Very Serious And Feels Kind Of Hard Going And Are You Sure It Had To Be Three Hours Long
  • Warcraft: The Fourth Film That Has That Poignant Bit
  • Warcraft: The First Part Of The Fifth Film Because This Definitely Had To Be Five Hours Long
  • Warcraft: The Second Part Of The Fifth Film Which Will Be Billed As The End Of An Era And Encourage A Lot Of Journalists To Read Through Quarterly Earnings Reports To Find Out How Many People Are Still Subscribed To WoW And Make Some Kind of Point About It
  • Warcraft: The Prequel
  • Warcraft: The Next Generation
  • Warcraft: Resurrection
  • Warcraft Forever
  • Warcraft And The Legend Of The NeverBeast
  • Warcraft: The Squeakquel
  • Warcraft: Red, White And Blonde
  • Warcraft: Pig In The City
  • Anyway, going completely from the poster my prediction for plot is that it will be a romcom. An orc and a human meet and get into an argument (despite clearly being perfect for each other) as they each reach for the last Skull of Gul’dan at the supermarket.

    They can’t agree so they decide to live together (that explains the Two Worlds. One Home tagline) and share it. After a lot of comedic misunderstandings and faffing about and bickering they realise they are in love and each wants the other to have the Skull because of feelings.

    “You consume its power!”
    “No, you!”

    Eventually they both consume its power BECAUSE ROMANCE and somehow their faces mash together as indicated by the poster as well as causing them to become semi-demonic. They are now one being and also they have a fancy sword.

    Maybe it is for the best that I did not do the script. Or maybe I’m exactly right. We will find out more when the trailer lands on Friday.

    The OTHER piece of Warcraft artwork news is the reveal of the cover art for the Illidan novel.

    What do you mean “What Illidan novel?”

    Blizzard partnered up with Random House for a set of novelisations starting with World of Warcraft: Illidan, The William King World of Warcraft: Illidan BY William King.

    Having watched the announcement video, the novel is being pitched as a chance to get into Illidan’s character and history. It sounds like they want to explore his motivations and get into the heroic side of his villainy.

    But the cover art?

    The cover art tells me a tale of Illidan joining WWE back when it was WWF. It is a story of men in tiny pants wrestling their way through wonderfully preposterous storylines. He is THE BETRAYER.

    When he trash talks before the Main Event it is basically him shouting variations on “YOU ARE NOT PREPARED” and flexing his demon-elf chest:

    He started out as one half of the Storm Boyz with his brother Malfurion but there’s this whole love triangle plotline where he really fancies this girl but she’s in love with his brother and eventually they have this massive fight at one of the pay-per-view events as a result of it. Illidan is later exiled for plot reasons but stages a dramatic comeback thanks to his brother’s wife who wants to use his power for her own reasons.

    His next major arena event is Lich King of the Ring and he faces off against Arthas “The Prince” Menethil. The fight goes on for bloody ages but then TWIST ENDING Illidan becomes half demon and lays waste to his enemies.

    Vince McMahon is furious and fires Illidan. He continues to make guest appearances, always with nefarious intentions and then comes back properly for a rematch against Arthas which Arthas won but ONLY because Illidan faked is own death. He shows up again for one last hurrah, but a bright new talent floors him, using the taking down of a legend to advance his own career and get headline billing at future live events. Illidan puts his collection of tiny pants for sale via an eBay charity auction and retires from the world of pro wrestling forever.

    Blizzcon starts on Friday is what I’m getting at. I think that’s what I’m getting at. STOP ASKING.


    1. Challenger2uk says:

      The human looks like Ragnar from Vikings series.

      • titreano says:

        it is

      • Shadow says:

        I used to like Warcraft lore, before the whole WoW CF.

        So I suppose that’s Blackhand and Sir Anduin Lothar. Aren’t the orcs supposed to be green and their eyes red from the bloodlust curse thing? Or has all that been retconned to hell and back?

        • Pannekaker says:

          I believe the orc is Durotan, Chieftain of the Frostwolves.

        • hennedo says:

          So, the orc in the poster is Durotan (Thrall’s dad). He wasn’t down with the whole demon’s blood thing. Neither was Orgrim Doomhammer. Those two characters are the ones in the newly released screen shots. I’m not sure we’ve seen an orc who has had any blood.

        • socrate says:

          i just remember when blizzard actually trashed bad idea…that was such a long time ago now

        • Shadow says:

          I thought Blackhand was the orcish supreme leader in Warcraft 1, and Durotan (made up later in the lore) was just a contemporary secondary character. So I suppose this isn’t quite the “beginning” if Durotan has greater importance then Blackhand. Or it’s just another re-focus.

        • dontnormally says:

          Just give us Warcraft 4, for fucks sake.

      • Pannekaker says:

        I wonder why..

      • Mr Coot says:

        I’m glad the human looks in his prime – unlike the in-game models where they all look a bit middle-aged and past it. Like Capt Kirk in a girdle. I’d like my avatar to be a handsome physical specimen at his peak… a chap can dream.

    2. Marblecake says:

      Wonderful :D

    3. Hedgeclipper says:

      No staring eyes tag?

    4. The Ultimate Clone of The Ultimate Warrior says:

      Man, WWF really went to shit after the Outland Screw Job. Thrall deserved a title shot!

    5. Freud says:

      A movie poster that uses blue/orange. Very original.

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        Phasma Felis says:

        “I’ve only ever read one article about cinematography, but by God I am going to milk it.”

        • Freud says:

          I don’t think movie posters have very much to do with cinematography. But why let details get in the way of poor sarcasm.

      • Boozebeard says:

        How dare they use the signifying colour of the major faction each character is representing. The pettiness of internet comment sections never fails to disappoint.

    6. Catchcart says:

      Here I was hoping it was a comedy about an Siamese twins odd couple that was using their magic sword to separate. Screw this.

    7. Aeiou92 says:

      The leaked footage from a few months ago made it look like a horrible bizarre mix of videogame cutscene and movie, it felt very wrong.

    8. Disgruntled Goat says:

      Tusk rings?

        • BobbyDylan says:

          Must be sign that the NHS dental needs further cuts.

          • nofare says:

            The teeth rings are something else, aren’t they? I wonder how that came about?

            – Poster designer: Hey, boss! Look at the poster we got for you! Awesome right? Masculine generic faces looking straight forward with generic masculine confidence!
            – Boss: Uh … I don’t know. It’s sort of boring really. I know Blizzard’s Directing Comity asked us to create a poster to show our audience who the heroes of the films are, in case they got lost in the horribly contrived CGI animations we’ve created to-bring-the world-of-Warcraft-to-life-Trade-Marked, but … I don’t know. It’s a big sort of “Meh” for me. I don’t see “Warcraft, kids!” here. I see “cartoonish” sure, but I don’t see “ridiculously cartoonish”, as the Warcraft fanbase is expecting of us. Could we bring it up a notch somehow?
            – er … I don’t know, Boss. You already got a big sword with gibberish on it. You got the handsome hipster dude with the same blue face-paint that’s been used for rebellious-yet-charming-primitive-humans since Mel Gibson’s Braveheart. You got the giant cgi-lizard man with big warthogs teeth …
            – TEETH! That’s it! Let’s do something with them!
            – Boss! Brill! … er, like what? … reduce them in size to make them look less buffoonish?
            – No. I said “bring it up a notch”.
            – Oh, ok. So how about hang some cgi-bacon from them?
            – OH! OH! … nah, pass. Why is it so hard to come up with ideas! Looks like I might have to call the Directing Comity to get some pointers.
            – No boss! You can do it. If Peter Jackson did it with Lord of the Rings, …
            – WAIT! Lord of the … rings? … wait a minute. RINGS! That’s right! Let’s put a ring on it! … no, wait! PUT TWO!

    9. Ostymandias says:

      damn for a second there I thought this was a game

      for some reason I keep think that an RTS spinoff of WoW could really work… there’s a lot going for that in the setting of the game. Two warring factions with a lot of big fantasy weapons to throw at each other

      been ages since I played WoW but for example those steampunk helicopters could be a unit for Alliance, and the Horde could get wyverns, Alliance gets Paladins but the Horde slightly more powerful Orcish units (as opposed to the regular human footsoldiers) and so on…
      Maybe hero units similar to the ones Blizzard did in the recent Starcrafts that can level up during gameplay and earn new skills, a little like HOMM?

      come to think of it, one could probably mod something like this with Valves new Source 2 SDK for DOTA 2. It has a really similar aestethic (Omniknight -> Paladin unit, Antimage -> Illidan hero and so on).

      • Geeman says:

        for some reason I keep think that an RTS spinoff of WoW could really work

        Hey, you might be onto something here.

        • TheAngriestHobo says:

          You could call it World of World of Warcraft.

          • Fontan says:

            The spinoff of the spinoff! They should be bold and name it just WARCRAFT. No one would expect that.

            • benkc says:

              Screw that “reboot with a non-distinguishable name” nonsense, it needs a subtitle! Perhaps simply the names of the two factions — Orcs and Humans.

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        Wosly says:

        This is my favorite comment of the internet.

      • alexheretic says:

        it can’t be done

      • mukuste says:

        Better scratch that idea with the RPG elements; last thing you want is people bitching that they’re ripping off Dota 2.

      • Necrourgist says:

        I hope you are kidding. You are describing Warcraft 3. Please stop before someone cries. Also: FUUUUUUU Blizzard! Make that Warcraft 4 already!

    10. steves says:

      “Maybe it is for the best that I did not do the script”

      Nope, the world is worse for you not writing this script.

    11. JFS says:

      I would both watch Warr’s movie and read her novel. Especially the latter.

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      Bluerps says:

      This was a very funny read. I laughed a lot. :)

    13. Turkey says:

      I hope it’s funny bad and not just bland bad. It’ll probably be bland bad, though.

      • Darth Gangrel says:

        I’m a great enthusiast of funny bad movies. When people say there are no good videogame movie adaptations I write “yes you’re right, but there are plenty of funny bad ones, like Dungeons and Dragons, Street Fighter (Van Damme version) and even In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”.

    14. Wulfram says:

      At least its not called Warcraft: Origins

      • mejoff says:

        They really should have done, what with getting ‘Two Worlds’ into the tagline.

        Actually, the title should be “Warcraft: Oblivion Origins”

    15. tkioz says:

      Wasn’t this ‘announced’ in like ’07/’08? I think the window of when the world actually cared about WoW closed a while ago.

    16. cpt_freakout says:

      Two Guys. One Horn.

    17. Gap Gen says:

      She’s a rule-bound ork chieftain who plays by the Orkish Book of Rules. He’s a human berserker who tore up the Book of Rules in an act of gross apostasy. Can they work together to stop the Lich King from pulling off the most daring heist this side of Northrend?

    18. Darth Gangrel says:

      “Warcraft And The Legend Of The NeverBeast” I’d quite like to see that movie, if it was made by Studio Ghibli, where the NeverBeast is some kind of darker version of Totoro. Make it happen!

    19. guygodbois00 says:

      You forgot to insert at the beggining obligatory “In a world where something something etc.”

      • guygodbois00 says:

        Bah, stupid comments. Meant for “She’s a rule-bound ork chieftain who plays…”