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Why I Hate Fallout 4's Stupid Dog

A Dog's Dinner

Supporter post

(This post was originally written in the first couple of days after FO4’s release.)

I’m not very far into Fallout 4. I’ve mostly been pottering around with it, trying to find useful things to report to you, YOU, my favourite reader. So I’ve yet to gain any other companions than Dogmeat, the stupid idiot Alsatian. I hate him.

Let me declare my uninterests. I don’t like dogs. Dogs are awful animals, too stupid be let outside on their own, too yappy to be inside a building, and every single one of them is five seconds away from biting a child’s face off. (“Oh no, not MY dog, he’s the gentlest, sweetest thing!” Yeah, that would be how every dog that bites a child face off is described by the owners, just with a “was” in front.) Dogs are rubbish, and everyone who disagrees is wrong.

So Dogmeat didn’t have a strong headstart winning over my love. But he could have. I’ve tolerated dogs in videogames before, although never without knowing they’d have been better if they were a cat. Dogmeat had a chance. But good grief, what a disastrous piece of crap he is.

“Dogmeat’s found something!” No he hasn’t. The game most recently announced this to me when the dreadful animal was in a room empty but for a couple of mannequins. Okay, I suppose, technically a couple of mannequins are “something”, but if the game plans to alert me on this basis, it’ll get a little tiresome.

So maybe I should issue him a command to go find something. Or maybe I’ll die of old age in happiness, instead. E on the dog, select to talk to the dog, then wait to see if the next menu will appear, and if so, choose “fetch”. Ooh, a little cutscene before I can do anything! Finally, I can now ask him to look for something useful. “Dogmeat didn’t find anything.” INCLUDING THE BOX OF STUFF HE WAS STOOD NEXT TO WHEN I ASKED HIM.

Or how about the way he opens doors I don’t want opened? That’s good. Or when he barges into a small room and knocks everything over around me? Or how he interferes in fights, gets himself wounded, and uses up my stims? But best of all is the way he runs around my feet, constantly making me think another mole thing is attacking.

And worst of all, you can’t kill him. I’ve tried. Dismissing is the only option. Begone, Dogmeat, you useless pile of bones.

This post was funded by the RPS Supporter Program. Thanks for your funding.

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Who am I?

John Walker

Senior Editor

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I'm now a senior editor and hero of humanity. Old and special.

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