DOOM on you assholes

Continuing today’s festive programming, here is a Christmas treat from Mickey Rourke In An Old Bad Videogame that I have spent hours and hours and hours deliberating over.

28. Ooh!
27. Ah!
26. Ooh!
25. Ah.
24. Ooh.
23. Ah!
22. SHIT
21. shit.
20. shit?
19. shit
18. BullSHIT
17. I’m over here fuckface
16. It looks like the douche bag convention’s in town
15. Fuck piss goddamn
14. C’mon chew it pencil dick
13. You fucking pig farmers (!?)
12. C’mon hold your balls let’s go
11. Happy fuckin’ birthday
10. I own your fuckin’ soul, you fuckin’ commie bitch!
9. Fuckin’ commies keep gettin’ in my way
8. BOOM time, baby
7. I’m gonna show ‘em what time it is
6. Goddamn cock-breath commie motherfuckers!
5. There’s gonna be fuckin’ asses bleedin’ all over the place
4. Your quiet day at the office is about to get severely FUCKED UP
3. DOOM on you assholes
2. Suck my balls, my hairy fucking big balls, wrap them around your mouth
1. Nighty night, you sweet piece of shit.

[Disclosure: I have freelanced for Arkane, a sister company of Rogue Warrior publishers Bethesda.]


  1. RedViv says:

    I am simultanously delighted to see some of you back on here, and terrified by what you unearthed from the Place We Do Not Tread.

  2. GWOP says:

    “Suck my balls, my hairy fucking big balls, wrap them around your mouth”

    I never got this attitude. Do you really trust your enemies to follow your instructions of testicle slurping, and not cause you grievous injury instead in the field of battle? This Marcinko fellow seems too naive and trusting.

    • Stugle says:

      I’m also not sure how one wraps testicles around a mouth. They’re squishy, yes, but not made of silly putty…

      • GWOP says:

        Unrealistic expectations of the male body, obviously.

        Though I hope, for Marcinko’s sake, that his next instruction isn’t “C’mon chew it pencil dick.”

      • lasikbear says:

        You may be interested in Mickey Rourke’s Yoga for Yagonads program.


    • luis.s says:

      Haha I’ve always thought the same. In some sort of conflict situation I definitely would not want my enemy’s mouth/teeth anywhere near my genitalia.

  3. Themadcow says:

    If only I had this list when I was looking for names for my first born child.

  4. Crane says:

    6. Goddamn cock-breath commie motherfuckers!
    2. Suck my balls, my hairy fucking big balls, wrap them around your mouth

    I opened this specifically to check for the presence of these two lines. Ah, memories. No matter how hard I try I cannot repress them.

  5. GWOP says:

    Cara! The copy of Giants: Citizen Kabuto Alice got you – she got it for free!

    *runs away*

    • All is Well says:

      That seemed rather foolish. Don’t you know that it was Alice who coined the adage “Snitches get stitches”?

  6. Mindestens says:

    1. A knife in the throat.
    2. Size knife, destination throat. Perfect fit. Perfect mission.
    3. Can’t this be part of the cutscene? No. THIS can be part of the cutscene. A knife to the throat.
    4. That’s the only thing that can stop me. Grenades thrown by myself.

  7. Chris D says:

    For the last time, Cara. David Cameron’s sex-tape does not count as a video game!

  8. rondertaker says:


  9. metric day says:

    Does that James Deen interview make you want to throw up now for giving that sleazy bastard a platform to pontificate?

  10. Zach Fett says:

    Rogue Warrior is one of my favorite guilty pleasure games. I play it every once in a while. Such a stupidly hilarious game!

  11. ButteringSundays says:

    “Disclosure: I have freelanced for Arkane, a sister company of Rogue Warrior publishers Bethesda.”

    I was starting to wonder how objective those quotes were. How can we stand for this bias in our entertainment news!?

    (Seriously though it’s sad that anyone thinks that needs mentioning.)

  12. tonicer says:

    Oh man the broteam video of rogue warrior is awesome. :D

  13. waltC says:

    Comments 1-22. OK, come on, Cara…Listen, I know that Rourke’s face looks like it was strained through a hamburger grinder and reassembled by a blind, 103-year-old surgeon, with a pair of plastic scissors and wet, #4 fishing line–but I still don’t think looking at that mug deserves expletives 1-22 above. He’s just not *that* bad…

  14. ExitDose says:

    Some day I’m going to make a magnetic poetry kit only using quotes from this game. It will be the biggest thing to hit poetry since the publication of The Waste Land.

  15. steriperi says:

    Seriously, great find!