Perusing The Main Menu At The In-Game Cafe

Hey, good to see ya, how ya doin’? Take a seat anyplace you like – we got window seats, we got booths, we got stools over here at the counter. I’d keep shy of the table just at the back there – it’s reserved, on a strictly unofficial basis, and the guy who plants hisself there most days ain’t exactly particular about whose keister he puts his boot into, if you catch my drift.

Now, what’ll it be?

The In-Game Cafe is a dingy little place on the corner of Silicon Boulevard and Vinecraft. People often remark that “it’s seen better days” but they don’t know that for sure – nobody knows how good the days have been or how good the next days are going to be. The In-Game is looking worn and tired, that’s what those people mean, and they presume it wasn’t always this way.

You take a seat as far from any of the other patrons as possible. The place is quiet so that’s not too difficult. There’s a man wearing overalls sitting at the counter, shovelling greasy scraps of mushroom omelette into his mouth. Every time he swallows, the counter creaks. Beneath his clothes, his body is changing, muscles rippling and straining against the fabric. He was already north of six feet tall when you entered; he’ll be pushing eight by the time you leave. Occasionally, there’s a pop louder than the sizzling of patties on the grill as one of his bones slides into a new configuration.

Attempting to ignore the snuffling, sneaker-squeaking of the gangly-limbed werehog at the chilli dog trough, you pick up a menu. On cue, the proprietor appears.

“We’ve got a couple of specials on the board over there but we’re fresh outta every kind of potion. People ask for ’em but I don’t like to keep ’em in stock, y’know? This is a diner, not a frickin’ pharmacy.”

Five dishes catch your eye.

“Potato Mine salad sounds good.”

“Let’s keep it simple. I’ll have a whole roast chicken.”

“I’ll have the Dabokva brand whale meat on rye.”

“I hear the Yolkfolk Surprise is good.”

“Just get me a bowl of Dogfood.”

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  1. thedosbox says:

    Congratulations, RPS have managed to link roast chicken with dog food in my mind.

    Bastards, I used to like roast chicken.

  2. Skabooga says:

    Well, that’s the first and last time I ever eat whale meat. Well, that I’ll know of.

  3. amateurviking says:

    I died :'(

  4. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    Aw man, cash. I wanted roast chicken. :(

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    Serrit says:

    Great stuff! Though that’s the last Potato Mine salad I’ll ever eat… :-(

  6. DrScuttles says:

    Can I just take a Sinner’s Sandwich to go? And actually also a Jaegerbomb. In a takeaway cup. There’s a lot of codeine coursing through my veins and to be honest I’m just curious to see how my body’s going to react. It’s not like I’m even hungry, I’ve only been buying food to pretend to my peer group that I’m actually looking after myself emotionally and physically. Come across as human to a casual observer. Hey, you know what, forget that sinner’s sandwich, what I really want is a baguette with brie and butter.
    And a slice of cake. Lemon drizzle if you’ve got it.

  7. X_kot says:

    Two things: I feel vindicated for having chosen the dogfood as my first choice. Also, that potato mine salad bit is squicky as fuck, but well-written.

  8. heretic says:

    This was great! Read through all the choices :) Dishonoured first yeah!

  9. anHorse says:

    Well inkle might as well shut down now

    This is the peak of interactive storytelling

  10. DelrueOfDetroit says:

    I save scummed this so hard that I now live on an old log in a murky pond.

  11. TheAngriestHobo says:

    Well, this seems like a very shaky premise for the sequel, but okay, here we go…