This is Donald Trump being overwhelmed by sex toys. I’m warning you, this week’s haul is pretty damn good.
Drumpulous by Anonymous
Shoot dildos at the head of the floppy-haired dictator-in-training. Employ all the FPS controls you know and love for a greater purpose: firing sex toys at a silly man with silly opinions, as he makes his way to the podium. I like how if you hit him a lot he seems to speed up and say, “I am officially running.” The creator says: “This is a game I decided to make to deal with my feelings of anxiety and horror at the prospect of Donald Trump coming into power in our country.” This is also a completely unwinnable game, like thermonuclear war, or democracy.
Surf Shogun by farmergnome
Totally radical surf ‘n’ slice. You are a wandering Ronin on the beaches of Neokalifornia and you cannot stand to bear the screams of innocents any longer. Get on your board and take on waves of enemies and also some other, literal, waves. Keep ahead of the tubular water by directing your board. Use the A and B buttons to turn your sword clockwise or counter-clockwise. Leaping into the air gets you some sick multipliers as enemies drop upgrades and pickups, like the double-sided sword, making your vengeance all the more swift. Your foes become more dangerous as the wave goes on, stacking multiple warriors on a single board, hassling you with throwing stars, prodding at you with spears. Got more gamepads? Play with up to four other people! I cannot stress this enough: this game is excellent.
Disorient on the Murder Express by Gary Kings
Theatrical murder mystery on a train full of despicable reprobates and fine alcohol. As an ageing former detective, you thought you’d never solve another crime. But after “a short six hours drinking” in the bar of your train, a dastardly murder has occurred. Piece together the case, discern the culprit and revive your youthful intellect and all the wit of a natural performer. This game gets full marks for giving your alcoholic character a drink which you can sup from at any time by pressing ‘A’ and encouraging you to pace around and look into the fire. In the scenes where pointing is necessary a huge bloated arm extends accusingly and disappears just as fast. Probably one of the best comedies Free Loaders has covered so far.
One Night Stand by Lucy Blundell
Rejuvenate your university days by living the extended nightmare of waking up naked to your bottom in a stranger’s bed and remembering zero details about the previous night. Awkwardness galore as the girl you wake up beside goes to and from the room and you have to try and piece together knowledge from the items scattered around. Do you hang around and make small talk? Or do you find your boxers, shirt and jeans as quickly as possible and sneak out while she’s not looking, without ever even (re)learning her name? I’ve always thought there’s something profound about fleeting trysts like this, so mining the experience with a visual novel makes plenty of sense to me. More awkwardness in games!
No Hacker’s Sky by Zestyr
Hack the planet(s)! A multi-planetary mining corporation is up to no good, as future corps are wont to be. It’s your job as a skilled hacker to find out exactly what. Be sure to read the instructions for this one because it is tricky and messy and makes you squint. You navigate the networks of the corp, looking at emails and avoiding Honeypots and Tripwires. But to hack nodes you have to enter them and play out small environmental puzzles in first-person. It is a weird Tron-like double game. The emails and details of the OS screen will often be relevant to the node puzzles, so you have to keep both minds open. Each of the room puzzles has terminals that you need to type within. To even leave these rooms you have to type ‘exit’. I love games that use the command line, like Duskers and Hacknet, so this is right up my alley. But it is also a little unintuitive, so definitely read the hints and controls. The tutorial kind of gets you started but after that things are vague and mysterious. But for hacking games, this isn’t always a bad thing. If you just can’t get enough of this sort of thing, check out Mainlining too.
SHOOTOUT, INC by albatr
First, there was SUPERHOTline Miami, a ruthless (and shameless) conglomeration of mechanics from two stylish games. Now, there’s SHOOTOUT, INC, which is the same. But more! Slow down time by not moving, punch men to death, fire perfect shots, throw grenades and kick through glass all in beautiful fast-then-slow-motion.
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